'AITA for not RSVPing my husband to a family member's wedding?' 'The deadline passed.' UPDATED

"Am I the ahole for not RSVPing my husband to a family member's wedding?"

My (33F) husband's (35M) cousin is getting married, and we received our invitations about three months ago. The invite was addressed to our entire family, and when you go online to RSVP, it lists each of our names individually (mine, my husband's, and our two daughters). You can check off who you are RSVPing for.

As soon as I received the invite, I went online to RSVP. There was a section for "advice for the couple" and another for a "song request." I checked all our names and filled everything out immediately. However, my husband said he needed time to think about the advice he wanted to give and the songs he wanted to request. Alright, no big deal, I'll wait for him to figure it out.

Later that night, I asked if we could finish the RSVP together, but he got frustrated and snapped at me like, "GOD no, I haven't had time to think about it. Please don't rush me." I decided to leave it alone since he can be dramatic sometimes, and pick your battles and what not.

Three weeks passed, and I started to feel stressed because the RSVP deadline was approaching. Every time I asked him about it, he still wasn't ready, saying he hadn't had time to "really sit down think about it yet."

Eventually, I told him I was going to RSVP for myself and the kids and that he could do his whenever he was ready. I hated the feeling of nagging him about it and I didn't want to do it anymore. He agreed and said he'd take care of it.

Two more weeks went by, and the deadline passed. I was at his cousin's bridal shower when she said, "I'm so sorry (my husband) isn't coming to the wedding!" I immediately realized he had forgotten to RSVP. I sighed and told her he probably just forgot.

She looked at me a bit strangely and was confused as to why I didn't RSVP for him along with the kids. I explained the situation, but it felt like she didn't really believe me. Later that night, my husband got a message from his cousin (the bride), asking if what I told her at the bridal shower was true.

He admitted that he had forgotten to RSVP. She said she hadn't realized it was just an oversight and assumed he genuinely couldn't come because of his job, which sometimes requires him to travel on weekends (when her wedding is).

She then mentioned that since it had been over a week since the deadline, they had already submitted the numbers to the caterer and signed the contract. She also said she hadn't made the seating chart yet but couldn't guarantee they could adjust the dinner arrangements at this point.

I told my husband not to make her go through all that trouble because he forgot to RSVP. He insisted that he wasn't going to miss his cousin's wedding and asked why I didn't just RSVP for him if I knew he was going to miss the deadline.

I told him I didn't realize he had forgotten until his cousin mentioned it at the bridal shower, and by then, it was too late. He still thinks I should have reminded him more and that I'm purposely being an ahole to "prove my point." Now, he's worried he'll look stupid if I go to the wedding with our kids and without him, and people start asking why he couldn't make it. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

peakpenguins said:

NTA, your husband is being a real a#s. He's a fully grown man, ffs. He does this s#$t a lot, doesn't he?

Far_Information_9613 said:

NTA. Your husband needs to grow up.

Expensive_Pain_5987 said:

NTA. It’s not your responsibility. Especially when he said he wanted to wait, he told you not to rush him, and he’s the one who forgot. You are his partner, not his parent. As a full grown adult he is responsible for his mistake.

tts_on_bread said:

Well, at least now he knows what “advice” to fill out for the couple: “How to prevent nagging: do what you’re asked the first damn time and don’t blame your wife when you f it up.” NTA.

FarlerFive said:

NTA. You're not his mommy. He told you he wanted to do it himself & got annoyed at your reminders, so you stopped. He should have handled it.

Recent-Necessary-362 said:

NTA but I have a feeling you have to deal with his inability to do anything A LOT. Honestly, this would be enough for me to tell him to go in my place and be gone when he got back. Hope he can figure out how to navigate life without you holding his hand. Sorry I’m just that petty though. But seriously, he’s a pos.

9smalltowngirl said:

NTA this is on him and him alone. He’s a big boy and needs to step up.

butterfly-garden said:

You're NTA, but your husband sure is!

Patricknc18 said:

NTA…better be a damn good song request.

Later, OP provided an update:

I didn't realize this would get so many comments, but I have been reading through them all and want to answer a few common questions: For those saying I should have just RSVPed and let him fill it out later: I didn’t realize you could do that.

When we got married 10 years ago, we didn’t have a wedding website or anything like that; we had people send RSVP cards by mail. I figured that once you submit your RSVP, that’s it—you can’t go back and add to it.

I’m looking at the wedding website now, and while it doesn’t allow us to RSVP anymore, it does let us edit the information. But again, I genuinely had no idea this was possible. If I had remembered that he hadn’t RSVPed, I would have done it myself, but I actually forgot because of the next point...

For those asking if he has ADHD: Yes, he does, but so do I, and both of our kids. WE MET IN AN ADHD SUPPORT GROUP IN COLLEGE. The reason I was so anxious as the deadline approached is because I know how easy it is to forget things like RSVPs when you have ADHD.

I reminded him every time I remembered it was due, but after we agreed he'd be responsible for his, I eventually stopped reminding him and then forgot about it completely.

For those asking why his cousin can’t just add one more person: she definitely can, but she made it clear to him that it would involve several extra steps and possibly an additional fee since the deposit is based on a percentage of the total.

It’s more about her having to deal with older people and people overseas not RSVPing and then adding them last minute. She’s trying to ensure her parents, the groom’s parents, and immediate family members are all factored into the equation.

When she checked the RSVP list, my husband’s RSVP automatically showed up as “No” because he missed the deadline. She genuinely thought his response was a true “No” and didn’t realize it was an oversight.

For those saying I should have told the cousin exactly what happened: I did, exactly as it happened. She didn’t believe me. For those suggesting I remind him that I’m not his mom: I did, and he agreed. He told me he would handle it himself.

For those asking if he does this a lot, or if he has other redeeming qualities and this is just a one-off thing: He has ADHD, so he is forgetful, but so am I. There are things he excels at that I struggle with. For example, my ADHD sometimes causes me to forget that I left things on or open.

It could be something simple like leaving the microwave or fridge door open, or something more dangerous like leaving the stove on. This got worse for me after having kids. There are definitely times when he picks up my slack, just as I pick up his.

We both understand that sometimes we can’t help it and try not to judge each other for it. He absolutely has redeeming qualities. For instance, he works from home during the week and is ON TOP of the kids’ school stuff and doctors’ appointments—he’s the primary parent for those responsibilities.

That takes such a load off me because he’s so good at it, and our kids are his everything. When we got pregnant, we made a pact to use all the attention we have, despite our attention deficit, to put our kids first and ourselves last. He’s held up his end of that bargain.

Unfortunately, I love him with all my heart, and he is a good partner most of the time. Most of the time, I’m not “babying” him, and he’s perfectly rational; sometimes, he just has his moments. This was one of those moments.

For those saying I should let him go in my place with the kids and take the day for myself: That’s exactly what I’m going to do! For those suggesting I show him this post: I did, but even before I did, he had already apologized for snapping at me.

He was frustrated and embarrassed and, unfortunately, took it out on me. I’ve done the same to him before. We both mess up, but he came to the conclusion on his own that he should have taken care of it and not blamed me. He’s sorry and is making it up to me by buying me something expensive this week. Can’t wait, lol.