'AITA for not running my potential baby names by my SIL?' 'She grew up in foster care.'

"AITA for not running my potential baby names by my SIL who grew up in foster care?"

My wife (28f) and I (30m) are expecting our first child together. We know the sex and we have built a list of names we both love and want to consider for our child. But we have not shared the details with anyone else. The gender of our baby and the name won't be announced until after baby is here.

We don't want unsolicited opinions on the names we're talking about. We don't want people to tell us to honor family members with the names, no judgement to anyone who uses family names but that is not for us.

We also don't want people getting their opinions in on spellings or whether a name works better for a boy vs a girl. We have witnessed debates like that happen around other expectant parents who shared names and we're not here for any of that BS.

This brings me to my SIL (32) who is married to my older brother (35). She grew up in foster care and wasn't adopted. From what she has talked about she grew up going to a lot of different foster homes and had a lot of bad experiences in foster care.

Some of it really tragic too. She asked us a few times what names we were considering and we told her clearly we were not discussing names with anyone but each other. She'd let it go in the moment and bring it up again.

She brought it up again a week ago. This time instead of letting it go she pushed. First it was "I really want to know" and then it was "this isn't a state secret!" and then it was followed by "I'm hurt you don't want to share with me!" I asked why she was hurt when she wasn't alone in not being told.

I made sure she knew nobody else was told names we were considering. But she said given her history in foster care, she expected us to run the names we were considering by her to make sure none were particularly traumatic for her or brought bad memories.

My brother said we could tell her and she didn't have to tell him. I told them if she had a name or two that were particularly triggering we could take that into account. But we were not letting her go through our whole list to decide what we can or can't use.

She argued that I wasn't being compassionate. I told her she was asking for too much. My brother told me she was just asking for some understanding and I replied that it was exactly why I said she could tell us names that are triggering for her.

They told me that could be a long list. I told her she would surely know names that cause a lot of bad memories to occur. My brother told me I could be more open to trying to make it work. That I'm being too strict and wouldn't I rather know now than when my baby is here. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

EntireRaise89 said:

NTA. You offered a very reasonable compromise. If she doesn't want to tell you the most triggering names for your consideration, then this is completely a her problem, and you owe her absolutely nothing.

I personally would not be giving her my entire list of potential names as it smacks of giving her way too much control over something that is actually none of her business and which is not entitled to have any say over.

extinct_diplodocus said:

NTA. The only people who have a say in the baby's name are the parents. You're even bending over backwards to let her tell you the trigger names she doesn't want. I don't want to seem callous, but her triggers are her problems to deal with. If she needs therapy, she should get it.

As she goes through life, there will be important people she needs to interact with who have those names. Meanwhile, let's look at the flip side. If you happen to choose one of her trigger names, this is her opportunity to cleanse it by associating it with a cute, innocent baby.

Healthy-Draw-3097 said:

NTA. SIL is playing the victim, she's not the only person to have a bad time in foster care. I get that she experienced trauma, not trying to downplay that fact. However, she should be going to therapy to help heal that trauma, not forcing everyone to tiptoe around her.

Throwawayxp38 said:

This is ridiculous. I grew up in care. I'm not expecting my family to change names to suit me. It's a name. I have met people with the same name as people who were awful to me, and guess what, they're different people. Just pick a name that you like.

My only naming thing is don't name a baby after a relative who died young or tragically. She cannot go her entire life expecting everything to revolve around her trauma. It's difficult, it's not pleasant but you have to move past things.

Catlady0329 said:

NTA and what??? She seems to be weaponizing her trauma.

atealein said:

NTA. She could try and work through her traumas or try to reassociate potential name of your future child with something positive. Or as you suggested she can make a list of the triggering names she remembers and give it to you.

You are right that it sounds as if she wants to approve your full list and that is not how this should go.