'AITA for not saving half siblings I have no relationship with from foster care?'
"AITA for not saving half siblings I have no relationship with from foster care?'
My parents' marriage broke down 11 years ago. I (now 25m) didn't see my dad once the marriage ended. He reached out a couple of times but I told him I would never play happy families with him and the woman he cheated with so he left me alone.
There were times members of my extended family encouraged me to change my stance. Some even praised his affair partner and said I'd like her. I actually dropped the rope with many relatives who were pushing for this.
There were others who didn't push or backed off when I said. But they'd bring up dad occasionally. I knew he had other kids. Never felt a need to meet them.
Last year my dad and his wife were involved in an accident. She died immediately and he died a week later. Their kids were with our shared grandparents but my grandpa has a criminal record and the kids weren't allowed to stay with them.
My aunts and uncles didn't step up. Everyone expected me and my wife (25f) to step up instead. Since we're married and both have stable jobs and we're young it was seen as the perfect solution. And they passed my name along to the case worker and I was contacted once and I said no which was accepted.
There was backlash from relatives. I blocked many of them. It died down for a while but last month they learned the kids were in and out of different homes and had been separated twice in the months they've been in foster care.
They visit the kids which is how they learned all this but it made them angry with me. Even though I have aunts and uncles who never even tried to take them to the best of my knowledge. So I don't feel bad. A lot of dad's family think I should feel bad.
They say I could have, should have, saved the kids from foster care. I don't believe so and my wife agrees. But after blocking in so many different places and seeing how worked up they are, I wanted to ask online. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Sounds like you didn’t have a relationship with your father and never even met these kids. You have no obligation to take them in, which is a huge life changing event.
Live_Explanation_218 (OP)
That's right. I never met them or had any contact with them. I have no idea the ages of these kids even or if they're boys, girls or what. We're literal strangers.
Not your monkeys not your circus. You are doing for them exactly what your dad did when he left you and your mom. Nothing. Nobody has any business volunteering you for anything you didn't sign up for.
Not your monkeys not your circus. You are doing for them exactly what your dad did when he left you and your mom. Nothing. Nobody has any business volunteering you for anything you didn't sign up for.
I bet they're all really good Christians your Dad's family. Because they're really good at telling others what to do to be good people while doing absolutely nothing themselves.
Live_Explanation_218 (OP)
They like to pretend they are, mostly. Two relatives never really believed in religion. But the rest act like they're the most holy people ever.
… You have no obligation to take this on. Having said that, the system sucks and unless they end up in a PERFECT scenario, their lives could be really messed up because none of their family members wanted the responsibility of raising them. I don’t think you’re an AH, but I do feel bad for the kids. Foster care is no joke.
Live_Explanation_218 (OP)
I agree that bad things could happen. Which is why their actual family members should step up since they're so upset by everything. I was never these kids' family. We never met or had a relationship. I know nothing about them even. But they do know our aunts and uncles.
NTA. In these specific circumstances, this is just not your problem. That isn't your family, you have no familial bond and you owe them nothing. You're not even being harsh, like, your Dad abandoned your family and you when he cheated, and these people just have nothing at all to do with you. You should never have been brought into the picture.
No! Absolutely not! Im sorry this happened. Im sorry people lost their lives. Im sorry the kids lost their parents. BUT you are not obligated to care for these children. Do not let others try to guilt you into something you don't want to do. You have a family, and your wife is your priority. Good luck - and again, im sorry this tragic event happened, but it's not your responsibility to finish raising someone else's kids.
Man, some people are VERY generous with other peoples’ time and resources. Obviously NTA, and these people that claim to “care” about these kids should probably offer up some of their own time and resources. Not willing to do that? Oh, so they DO understand that it’s not a simple ask and they should probably stop judging you 🙃
Some of the best advice I’ve seen on Reddit is that “you’re not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” The relatives who are so willing to volunteer you, should step up themselves.
What no one seems to be mentioning is that your father and his second wife are at fault for this situation because ANYONE with dependents should have a WILL that clearly spells out who will take care of their dependents if they should both die.
Anybody reading this who hasn’t set that up should do it tomorrow. You never know what fate may hand you. (It should be obvious, but the person/people you name as guardians need to agree in advance.)