'AITA for not setting up play dates with my children and their father‘s widow?'
"AITA for not setting up play dates with my children and their father‘s widow?"
I 47 (f) have three children. 15 (NBi) 11 (M) and 7(M). Their father (deceased) and I never married. At the time that I was in the hospital after having my last child, their father, we'll call him Bob, came into my hospital room handed me the keys to my home and informed me that he was going to go live with the woman that he was seeing.
Well, they eventually formally married a little more than a year before Bob passed away. Bob and I had shared 50-50 custody of the children for approximately six years at that time.
And in all that time, I had never spoke one word to Sarah even at Bob’s funeral I stayed in my lane and dealt with my children and their needs. We have several mutual friends and so I know that from time to time in that six years Sarah would take to Facebook and rant about me.
Anything and everything was my fault if they didn’t have the children on a particular holiday, it was my fault. When my NBi child reported to a school teacher that their father was cruel to them, it was my fault. When my children did not make perfect grades, it was my fault. (They are thriving at school now by the way.)
At the time of the funeral, Sarah pleaded with my sister to make sure that she got her fair share of time with my children. My sister Toni also 47(f) advised Sarah that we would have to see what our “new normal” was.
About two weeks after the funeral, Sarah started begging my sister to be able to take the children on a Saturday (I work most Saturdays) and my sister set up a play date. The play date went OK and there was another one set up for approximately six weeks after that.
In the meantime, at a soccer game, Sarah and her mother cornered me and told me that Sarah and I needed to be friends for the children’s sake and that I needed to participate in holidays with their family.
There was a crowd of people and this made me extremely uncomfortable, so I did not say any thing I was thinking. I did how ever later confide it in my 15-year-old about the confrontation. (I know I absolutely know I’m the AH on that part and we are working on it in therapy.)
There were a few more play dates planned by my sister that all fell approximately six weeks apart or so. Then summer hit. For the first time, my kids got to go to baseball camp. One went to science camp and we went on two vacations.
So for almost two months, Sarah did not see the children. She took to Facebook and called my sister and my sister‘s husband about every name you could think of and accused us of keeping the children from her.
Now, my sister does not want to facilitate any visitations with her. (I don’t blame her, I was not willing to do so in the first place.) As far as my children’s feelings go, my 15 yo occasionally asks if they should feel guilty about not checking in.
My 10 yo has been been working through big feelings in therapy regarding the fact that he never wanted any step parents to begin with. And my 7-year-old occasionally mentions Sarah or a member of her family, but never really indicates that he wants to visit.
They are NOT her children and I owe this horrible person NOTHING. I'm sorry, I really want to take my feelings out of this, but I don’t feel as if I should let my children be influenced by such disrespectful people. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Why would you want that drama in your life? She needs therapy and she needs to properly grieve. She doesn't need to use your kids for either. NTA.
Easy_Needleworker464 (OP)
Bob was very much against therapy, so I have to assume that she would be too. It took me two weeks after he passed away to get my kids into their first therapy session.
NTA. She has no rights to your kids and if they start showing up places record them.
Easy_Needleworker464 (OP)
That fear has already been unlocked and realized and shut down. Thank you.
There NEVER should have been ANY relationship after your ex passed‼️‼️ Sarah does not need to have a place in your kids lives. If she is talking bad about you on Facebook then what do you think she is saying to your kids about you.
Find your spine and shut this down yesterday‼️. Don't allow anymore interaction with her. Document the Facebook posts, text and voice messages. Make sure the schools know that she or anyone not on the pickup list are to take the kids. Tell the kids not to go with her or interact with her. Be very vigilant. You may have to get a restraining order. Take care Update me!
NTA - you and your kids don’t owe her anything. She talks trash about you on Facebook, then expects you to play bestie with her? LOL. Also, did “Bob” leave any money behind for your children? If they were legally married, did he leave life insurance money to her or his children. Just throwing it out there, but it may be motive for her to keep your children close.
NTA. She didn't adopt them. She was just a step-parent. If they (your kids) don't want to visit with Sarah, that's okay. If your youngest wants to because she feels that Sarah is family, then the youngest can hang out with Sarah. If no one else wants anything to do with Sarah, then they have nothing to do with Sarah. And Sarah has no legal or custodial rights to visitation with them.