Wife begins stalking husband when he refuses to share his location. AITA? UPDATED 3X
"Was I a jerk for not sharing my location with my wife?"
I (41M) have been with my wife (37F) for 6 years. We have a 3 year old daughter. My wife decided to be a SAHM after our baby was born and didn’t go back to work after her maternity leave ended (we live in Canada).
We divide the housework and childcare equally. I watch the baby 2 nights a week so she can go to the gym for a little mental health break. I asked her if I can have one night a week quiet time. She asked what is that? I said just pretend I’m not here! I’ll be in our room reading or listening to music for one hour only. She agreed.
Every single time she came to our room either to talk or tell me that she was bored. When I reminded her about our deal she got upset and said I was making excuses to avoid spending time with her.
Another time ,I told her then I would be going to the local coffee shop to read and just one hour of quiet time. My wife decided to do a surprise visit there. She said baby wanted to surprise her daddy.
I smiled and said I just wanted a little quiet time. She sat down and talked so loud I had to say let’s just go home. This time I decided to go to the public library. My wife asked where I was going I told her I hadn’t decided yet but as per our deal it’s my night.
She got upset because I was refusing to share where I was going. That one hour quiet time was heavenly. No one called my name and I came back home so happy. When I came home my wife was furious!
She said she wanted to check my phone then asked if I was seeing or talking to anyone. I laughed. I said I was at the library you can ask the librarians if they saw me. She has been really cold to me and says I should have shared my location since she does (well I know she goes to the gym).
Was I a jerk for refusing to share where I was?
I decided to stay longer at work to take advantage of the quiet office since now my wife knows about the library.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
Your wife needs to be willing to give you 1 hour of free time. I don’t blame you for approaching the situation the way you are but it sounds like you need to sit down with her to work this out instead of not sharing information.
Acceptance and any progress can only come from Reality. I don’t think this is about you sharing your location or not. This is a boundaries issue.
I’d give her a taste of her own medicine. Start showing up at the gym to surprise her with baby and keep her from working out and embarrassing her just as she kept him from reading.
Anytime he sees her relaxing or watching a show proceed to the same as she does. Too often selfish people don’t realize how selfish and conniving they’re acting until they’re dealt the same treatment!
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I got so many dm asking if I talked to her? And why I needed alone time? Because It really makes a difference in my mental health status. I really don’t know what to do. She is now fully convinced I’m having an affair.
In her conspiracy plot I need alone time because I resent her and I was alone with some AP that night. She refuses to even have a calm conversation with me. I told her I can have my quiet time at home if it puts her mind at ease only if she promises not to interrupt me.
She made a snarky comment that what would my AP thinks. I just stopped trying to convince her. Things have been rocky. I have no plan of taking my quiet time anymore (at least until things get better).
Ps: Example of how she interrupts my alone time at home… One time I was lying in bed watching the re-run of an old sitcom on our bedroom tv. Just to decompress. She opened the door asking what I was watching. I said Seinfeld.
Then she sat down and kept saying how boring and over rated this show was. Then went on saying how Jerry Seinfeld is a gross man. Then she said this show is not even funny. Then on and on.
I told her I wasn’t watching the show for educational purposes 😂 she said I could be watching a decent show together now but you chose to watch this crap. I said we do that every night after we put the baby to bed. She said then why wasting your time watching this… I just turned off tv... I was done.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s first update:
Perhaps you should surprise her also when she has her alone time at the gym... you might be surprised? She comes forth as projecting. Why is she adamant you are cheating in your alone time but she is not cheating during hers? Tell her you guys can swap phones to check for anything untoward.
Your wife sounds absolutely exhausting, and you are going to resent her for it even more as time passes. Perhaps you can get some couples counseling or cut your losses now. Your child deserves to see a healthy marriage modeled, not whatever this is.
What do people say around here, if they accuse you of cheating, check their phone.
Clear-Sun-9220 (OP)
She did check my phone . She has all my passwords. I have nothing to hide.
It is time to schedule some therapy for her. You can't fix her insecurities. She needs to be responsible and own that. Perhaps, in the future, she also needs to get a part-time job.
Three days later, the OP returned with another update.
My life has been a living hell. I checked her phone. There was nothing suspicious. She had a long conversation with her best friend about how she knows I’m cheating and that’s why I’m avoiding her and want alone time.
She said she was frustrated because she couldn’t prove it but she just knew. Her best friend told her to trust her heart. I tried multiple times to sit her down and talk to her but it ended up her yelling at me and she is being more upset. She is very cold to me and avoids any conversations with me.
Mentally, I’m a mess. I wanted to go for a long walk yesterday . I told her where I was going . She rolled her eyes and said more “alone times “? Or mistress misses you ? I decided not to go.
I really don’t know how to prove myself. I gave up on any alone time. She doesn’t even talk to me so date nights are gone too. I ruined my marriage over one quiet alone reading time at the library.
I also wanted to add, she doesn’t go to the gym anymore. I asked her why? She said, “Why do you care? You were planning to bring your mistress home when I’m not home?”
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
No no no. YOU didn't ruin anything. It was her and her friend who did. At least now you know where she might be getting her ideas from.
Her friend is filling her up with stories. Has that friend hated you by any chance?
Clear-Sun-9220 (OP)
She doesn’t hate me as far as I’m aware. She got a divorce a few years ago and kept mentioning all these signs sound familiar and my wife should trust her heart.
Three days later, the OP returned with their final update.
I tried to make Mother’s Day special for her. I made a hand print homemade card with our kid for her. We ( our kid and I but technically from our kid) made special breakfast for her.
She said thanks to our kid and hugged her but things were the same between us. I was planning to BBQ for dinner. I realized I needed to replace the propane tank. I told her I was going to buy one.
I was stupid enough to stop by at the local French bakery to buy special dessert for Mother’s Day. There was a line up but I thought it worth it since they have her favourite dessert and it would be a nice surprise for her.
When I came home my wife lost it. She started screaming that I was out with my mistress that’s why it took so long. I showed her the dessert she grabbed it from my hand and threw it in the trash said it’s a cover for my affair.
I told her how on earth I could possibly had met my hypothetical mistress and bought this in less than an hour. She told me she was done. She grabbed our kid and left. She has been staying at her parents. I tried contacting her but she doesn’t reply. I guess the next step is talking to an attorney about shared custody.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s final update:
Lawyer up. Make sure you tell him about all the crazy crap she's doing.
So sorry it is ending this way but sometimes you just can’t fix crazy.
Sorry, I know this is gonna sound harsh, but the trash took itself out. Lawyer up, keep track of each and every interaction between you two. I suggest you to give up on reconciliation and go for 70-30 custody in your favor as she sounds mentally ill in my eyes. Best of luck OP.
Nope. She’s been checked out bc she believed all the shit her friend was spewing. Lawyer up ASAP. Document all her crazy behaviors. All the incidents. Any emails and texts exchanged.
And try to see if you can get an emergency court order for your kid bc your wife sounds seriously unstable right now. If it would help, talk to her parents. Let them know what’s going on because this isn’t normal. She’s unhinged. Updateme!
Actually you might want to contact her parents. Try to sit down with them if they are reasonable people because it sounds like she’s having some kind of mental health issue. You guys might have to force her to get help.