'AITA for not siding with my wife over our son's ex girlfriend's pregnancy?' NEW UPDATE
"AITA for not siding with my wife over our son's ex girlfriend's pregnancy?"
Our son had a girlfriend but they broke up about a month ago. About three weeks ago we were informed by her parents that she is pregnant. She is slightly showing. The dates line up with my son's relationship. My wife and I went into full panic mode.
We waited a couple days before telling our son, who didn't know. He immediately said "it's not mine, I never slept with her". I didn't believe him as I know he is "active". He did the sensible thing and asked me for "protection".
However he kept on saying they never did it. He said he cheated on her. I had a heart to heart with him and he is an absolute demon, but I began to believe him. He said he always wraps and he has asked for "restocks". My wife, on the other hand, still didn't believe him.
Both families met. My wife started the conversation just accepting that our son is the father and was trying to figure out a solution, funding etc. My son spoke up saying it's not his baby as they never had s-e-x. He was genuinely angry.
Then he made a comment that I am going to rephrase. Apparently they only ever did a certain act which can't result in a baby and it was unsatisfactory so he never went any further with her. An absolute piece of work, and we raged at him over it.
His ex girlfriend admits they rarely did it but explained the "event" (the when and where) and I will say it was believable too. I know he is a complete liar. I know he is an absolute dog but I believe him still.
My wife, however, is angry with me for playing into his "nonsense". She said I'm part of the boy culture. She said children born to teen parents are more likely to be teen parents and we were both young when my wife got pregnant.
She said I'm worsening the situation by not living in reality and she is left to figure out what to do on her own. To her point, I am hands off on further meetings with the other family.
I don't believe we should have those discussions until its proven he's the dad. AITA? Also, this has really become a rant. I'm sorry, but I really needed to let off some steam.
Just to add: her parents don't want to do a paternity test until after the child is born. They said it could harm the baby but apparently its harmless, so I don't know. So, we cannot get a test done before then. Courts can't order one until birth.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Stop fighting and get a paternity test. Teenagers aren’t the brightest when it comes to sex and pregnancy. The paternity testing will clear up the whole who did what and you can proceed rationally from there.
And now a paternity test is just a blood draw from the mother rather than anything invasive to the baby. The girls parents have old info if that’s a concern.
Exactly this. You need what’s known as a Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity (NIPP) test. It’s a blood draw for the young lady, and a cheek swab for your son. There is zero risk to the pregnancy, and it’s 99.9% accurate.
misrocto (OP)
I told them all that as did my nurse friend. No good
Courts will not give an order until birth according to solicitors.
Well then that needs to be the end of the discussion until they do the test. He's probably lying, but he's still your son, dont let him sign a life altering birth certificate until you're 100% certain.
A week a later, the OP returned with an update.
Short story. Text message that backs up her story. Another meeting. Went worse than the first. He's not coming home. Mother son relationship f-ed. And husband wife relationship f-ed.
My wife invited them over without my knowledge. It was carnage. She, our son and I were sitting on one side of the table. He told his mum that she should sit on the other side and he wouldn't start a conversation until she moved over. She eventually did.
He started winking at his ex's mother. My wife said to my son to stop denying it. My wife started planning again. I said I'd still want DNA preferably now but immediately at birth. They stuck to birth.
My son spoke up. He said that this is not how this is going to work. He told them that they get the test done now or he will refuse to get tested until he's finished college (so 6 years time approx). He said courts won't expect maintenance from a kid.
They said they'd just court order it. He said a court cannot force him. Some autonomy thing. He seemed confident and turns out he's right. He was walking out and his mother grabbed his arm to come back in. He said get your dirty hand off me. He said he'd fight back if she didn't let go. I told her to let him go. He said he was staying at a friend's. He's been staying there a bit.
I went out and said I'd drive him. He agreed. In the car journey, he said he knows I don't believe him anymore but he didn't sleep with her. He said school is horrible, social media is horrible and your wife (he didn't call her mum) is a b-word.
I said you cant speak about your mum like that. He said she's a woman that gave birth to him and minded him, thats all. He said she doesn't care how he is coping. She's never even asked.
When we got to his friends he cried a bit. He said its nothing to do with me but he wont be home much anymore. He said hopefully I'd still hang out with him. I know his friend's father from the pub. He started talking to me. I was gonna give him money because my son is over there a lot but he refused.
He said my son told him everything. He's a counsellor. He said girls can exaggerate to friends, boys can lie. He said he knows my son since he was tiny and he believes him. He also said he might have more information than I do. No idea? He warned that we are going to lose him if we are not careful.
I went home. I told my wife if she so much as says one word to me or our son about the baby without a test being done, we are over. If she doesn't apologise to our son, in the next few days, and beg him for forgiveness we are done. I, sadly, do mean it. It wasn't heat of the moment.
By her reaction, I think we are done. I do love her (childhood sweethearts) but my son is my son. It is not a matter of believing him - I probably don't - it's a matter of being there for him.
He was always an idiot but his behaviour is erratic and almost asking for help. Its worrying how quickly he has changed. He is the priority for me right now. Counselling and plenty of it.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
"you can get a DNA test during pregnancy without harm by choosing a non-invasive prenatal paternity test (NIPP), which involves a blood draw from the mother and a cheek swab from the father. This test is safe for both the mother and the unborn child as it uses free-floating fetal DNA from the mother's blood, unlike risky invasive procedures like amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling (CVS)."
So why won't they do the DNA test now? Why not just put the entire argument to rest with proof.
misrocto (OP)
You can't get that done without the girls permission. They won't do it. They have this weird thing that it might hurt the baby. But it's just blood.
idk, the way he is speaking to your wife, his ex, his ex’s parents, he sounds like a POS. on your last post, i recommended that you withhold financial support until they do a paternity test. i still think that is the right move, but what your son is saying to his mom is disgraceful.
tbh, i don’t think he’s owed an apology just based on how disrespectful he is being. and your response was what? to let him say all that without repercussion? your reactions make it seem like you support how he is acting. i know you want to support him in this paternity thing, but supporting his disgusting behaviour isn’t the way to do it or heal any relationships.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
My wife and I separated but we are on good terms. I think she understands why I moved out but we still want to deal with the situation differently. I'm living in a flat with my son. He seems happier.
The good news: His ex's parents last Thursday agreed to do a paternity test. That is booked for this Wednesday. I don't know what brought on this sudden change. I told my son they had agreed.
He asked to meet his ex and her parents to apologize. He thanked and apologized to his ex's parents for what he said. They were very good to accept the apology, although I do think he deserved an apology too. He said to his ex that he's not starting anything but that they both know it's not his. She still insisted it's his.
I asked if maybe he wanted to apologize to his mother or at least have a discussion with her. He said he won't apologize to her and he won't forgive her even if she apologies to him. He said he hates her and always will.
That's still an utter mess. He won't speak to her. If she visits our flat he leaves. Saturday night, I told him I won't be angry if he has been lying but if he is I'd prefer him to be honest rather than find out by the test. He again said it's not his.
Quickly after that he asked me to promise I wouldn't get mad if he told the truth. He said he doesn't want labels but the reason it went no further with his ex is because he doesn't think he likes girls and he uses the protection, but not with girls. I couldn't respond as he went to bed.
I told him Sunday morning I'm fine with him whatever he is. Admittedly it was a surprise. I did ask about the comment he made to his ex's dad and he said nothing like that ever happened. He said its a guy his own age. I didn't push it any more than that. He wants it kept quiet so here I am as I can't tell others but it'd be a shock at this point if it's his.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Well, that's definitely a surprise. Good on you for siding with your son. NTA.
misrocto (OP)
It's a shock to be honest but the way the last 2 months or so have gone it's not much of a big deal right now. I don't care of he's gay. I'm gonna need a holiday after all this though.
I’m so glad that you and your wife have separated but are on good terms. That’s for the best, at least for now, and time will tell if you can work things out. I’m so glad that you’re supporting your son in the midst of all of this - especially with the truth bomb he dropped on you regarding his activities.
I’m glad that he felt safe with you to tell you the truth, even though it meant outing himself when he probably wasn’t ready for it. Please keep us updated - we’re all invested now! Update me.
Five days later, the OP returned with another update.
Spent the 800 quid on the test, last Wednesday. He didn't seem nervous. He seemed happy. All went well. Thursday morning, I woke up he wasn't there. He had text me that he needed a break for a few days. Wife rang that his ex was gone. Same message. I texted and rang him over and over.
Eventually he video called me. His ex was there too. He said he lied about it all and that the test will probably show it's his. He told me where they are staying and they apparently want to talk about it without adults getting involved.
I was wrong. He lied. My wife was humble, given everything. Her parents and my wife think it might be a good thing to let them talk. They are staying in touch. I don't see the benefit in them on their own (nuts, in my opinion) but I'm so mad maybe it is for the best. I'm done.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
To clarify, your son lied to your face on numerous occasions, allowed you to fight and separate from your wife (and possibly broke up his family - and seemed happier), called his mom awful names, said misogynist things to and accused the mother of his unborn child of lying, propositioned her mom, and made a homophobic comment to her father.
He also lied to you about not being able to perform with women, a vulnerable admission that furthered your belief in him. I realize he is young and was scared to face parenthood, but this is extreme. You can’t “be done.”
Some people will be sympathetic to the OP, some won’t. I think he tried to navigate an impossible situation as best he could and that he had no good options, just “I hope this isn’t the worst choice” options. His son, on the other hand, seems truly horrendous.
I wish I could say this surprised me, but I’m only disappointed because the “actually I’m gay” update seemed like the best possible option and now it’s just another way he’s terrible. Guess she knew her son pretty well.