'AITA for not skipping my stepson’s graduation even though his mom is threatening to make a scene?'
"AITA for not skipping my stepson’s graduation even though his mom is threatening to make a scene?"
I (30F) have been married to my husband (41M) for five years now. His son (17) is graduating high school next month. I met him when he was 11. I’ve never tried to be his mom and we took things slow and over the years we’ve built a decent relationship. I help out where I can, mostly behind the scenes like rides, school stuff, dinner when he’s over.
He’s casually called me his “bonus mom” a couple of times which I took as a good sign. However his mom, Jan, has never liked me. She’s never been openly hostile but always cold and dismissive. I’ve never pushed her though. No drama, no trying to parent her kid, just tried to be supportive when he’s with us.
Anyway, he told us he wants me at his graduation. He said it directly and saved me a ticket. A week later, my husband gets a call from the school and apparently Jan emailed them and said only she and my husband would be attending and that I shouldn’t be allowed because of “family issues.” We had no idea she did this.
My husband called the school to clear it up and when we asked her about it, she basically said I was overstepping and that graduation is for his “real family.” She told someone in the family that if I show up, she might leave or worse not let her son attend!
Her son still wants me there. He even told his dad, “Don’t let her ruin it.” My husband fully supports me going. But now a couple of his relatives are telling me I should just stay home to avoid drama. (guess who called them about it! 🙄)
I get it’s a sensitive day but I’m not there to make a statement. I just want to show up, support him, and leave quietly like everyone else.
AITA for insisting on going?
The internet was quick to share their thoughts.
Shannararose wrote:
NTA. Your stepson wants you there. Go. Your husband should tell his busybody relatives to mind their own business. I'll bet your stepson's mom will be on here in a couple of years complaining that her son never visits her but always visits his dad, if she doesn't learn how to adult.
OP responded:
He seems happier when he spends time in our house.
Betalisa wrote:
NTA—but your husband needs to talk to the school and/or a lawyer about protecting your stepson’s graduation. Sounds like you may be dealing with mental illness here?
OP responded:
Nothing diagnosable but it was serious enough that drove hubby away from her in the first place.
ZookeepergameNo7151 wrote:
NTA. Stepson on his own has specifically said he wants you there. On several occasions and specifically Kelly you a ticket. Go and support him, him "mom" can make a scene all she wants but in doing so she will literally ruin her relationship (assuming there's much of one) with your stepson. It's not about you, her, dad or whoever. It's stepson's graduation, should be what he wants and who he wants to go.
Sussler wrote:
NTA but it's unclear whether the kid is aware of her threats. Maybe give him a heads up if he isn't already tuned into it.
OP responded:
He knows that why he asked my husband to not let his mom ruin it!
Impossible-Cap-6433 wrote:
Agree with the other NTA comments, but you might want to have a conversation with your stepson. Let him know you support him and want to be there for him, but want him to enjoy the day. Let him know that you won't be upset if he wants you to stay home.
He might be in a bad spot, knowing his mom doesn't want step mom there. Letting him know you prioritize his feelings over yours in this matter, and that while you want to be there you would understand if he wanted you to not be to avoid the drama. Truly loving him is to be willing to sacrifice your comfort to support him on his special day.
Significant_Flan8057 wrote:
Do not engage with any of those nosy relatives, who seem to think they have the right to offer their unsolicited opinions about something that is none of their business. The topic has already been discussed and decided as a family between your stepson, his father, and you. Full stop.
You don’t need to defend yourself or justify the decision to anyone. I’d recommend that you and your husband plan to sit separately from the ex wife during the ceremony, even if that means you avoid sitting with the rest of the family too.
You might also consider setting up a separate meeting location with the stepson for the 2 of you after the ceremony to take pics with the 3 of you, so you avoid any direct confrontations with the ex. If you can help your stepson not be embarrassed by his mother flipping out on you at his grad ceremony then be the bigger person and meet up elsewhere at a secret location. Even though you shouldn’t have to.
Every-Spell4684 wrote:
If you SS is amenable, open up a chat called "Graduation," so that there are no surprises on graduation day. Let husband open it with the statement, "I just wanted to make sure we're all on the same page regarding graduation. Son has asked that we all come and OP and I wish to show our support, along with ex-wife."
Stepson could post, "Thanks, yeah, I do hope everyone can show up for my big day, even if you have to sit separately. I want everyone here." If ex tattles to other relatives, add them to the chat. Let's get everything in writing.
Confident_ocean wrote:
NTA. She is selfish and making her sons event about her own feelings. I came from divorced parents and my mum was always jealous of my stepmother. Still go and support him - his mother will be the only one ruining his event and ultimately tarnishing her relationship with her son.
That was something my mother never understood- by her hating my dad and stepmother and trying to poison me against them only made me hate her and pull away from her more.