'AITA for cutting off my in-laws after what they did to me and my husband in my BIL's wedding?'

"AITA for not speaking to my in-laws after what they did to me and my husband in My BIL's wedding?"

I (34F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 13 years. We had an intercaste love marriage when I was 21 and he was 23. My in-laws were against it from the beginning and never truly accepted me. They often implied they could have “found someone better” if they had arranged his marriage themselves.

Meanwhile, my brother-in-law (29M) recently had an arranged marriage that my in-laws fully approved of. They handpicked his wife, and during the wedding they gave her over 50 lakhs worth of gold jewelry.

Here’s the issue: at our wedding, my in-laws said they couldn’t afford to give me gold but promised they would later. I said it was fine and never asked again for 13 years. But they pressured my parents to give me lots of gold, insisting “that’s our caste custom.” My parents complied.

In January (a month before BIL’s wedding), I casually asked my MIL if they planned to give gold to the new DIL. She said no—“gold is very expensive right now.” Then at the wedding, they openly showered her with jewelry. To make it worse, the new DIL’s family didn’t give her any gold at all, and my in-laws didn’t care. The “customs” they lectured me about suddenly didn’t matter.

My husband was furious and felt it was a deep disrespect to me. He wanted to confront them, but I told him not to. We did all our duties, even contributed financially, pretended to be happy, and quietly left.

For context, last October I lost my baby at 26 weeks pregnant. We were devastated. Instead of giving us space to grieve, my in-laws pressured us to “move on” quickly because the wedding was coming. When my husband planned a short 5-day trip to help me heal, they accused us of betraying the family for not being fully involved in wedding prep.

After the wedding, they called us a few times, then stopped completely. It felt like they considered their family “complete” now with the new DIL in their joint household, while we live in another city. Two months later, my husband confronted them—not about the gold, just about why they stopped calling him. Their response: basically “don’t call us anymore.” So both sides stopped contact.

Some history: • They abandoned my husband at 19, telling him to build his own life (not common in India), while supporting his younger brother, who still lives with them at 30. • They’ve always been partial toward the younger son. • They keep us out of important family information and spread negativity behind our backs. • My MIL even posts vague, hurtful WhatsApp statuses making us look like the “bad ones.”

Now, the twist: only six months after the wedding, my BIL’s arranged marriage has collapsed. The new DIL was caught cheating, divorce is on the table, and my in-laws are devastated. Suddenly, they started calling my husband again for support. And now they’re upset at me—asking why I don’t call, why I don’t empathize, why I don’t care about their crisis.

From my perspective, they opposed my marriage, lied to me, forced me to bring gold from my parents, abandoned my husband young while babying his brother, excluded us when it suited them, and literally told my husband not to call again. Now that things went wrong with the “ideal” DIL they chose, they want my sympathy.

I don’t call them, I don’t check in, and I honestly don’t want to. My husband still talks to them sometimes, but I keep my distance. P.S. I have been a people pleaser and doormat all my life however last October when I lost my baby and the way people did not show up for me that changed something in me. AITA for refusing to speak to my in-laws after everything that happened?

TL;DR: My in-laws opposed my intercaste marriage, forced me to bring gold from my parents but gave me none, abandoned my husband while favoring his brother, excluded us from family matters, and told us not to call anymore.

At my BIL’s wedding they lied to me and gave his new wife 50 lakhs worth of gold. Now her marriage has collapsed, and my in-laws want me to support them. I refuse to speak to them—AITA?

Edit for extra context: When we were newly married, life was hard we lived in a tiny 1BHK(rented), my husband quit his job to move to USA as he had a job offer there but the in-laws manipulated us saying that everything we have is yours why do u want to move to another country and asked my husband to study for civil service so he started studying, and I was the only one earning.

His parents never offered any help, financial or emotional. Eventually, once we both started earning, we moved into a bigger 3 bhk apartment (rented) on our own. Again, no support from them. Meanwhile we struggled all our life with childhood traumas and abandonment issues. We thought we would heal first then bring another life to the world that is why it took us 12 years to plan our first pregnancy.

We lived in a long distance relationship for 3 years just to survive and earn money My father got cancer so my family moved to my city temporarily for his treatment at that time we were 6 people( my mom, dad, younger brother, grandma, me and husband) living in a one bedroom apartment. My husband stood by us as an elder son to my parents and they also treat him as his own.

Also It’s not just about the gold. We were kept out of most of family decisions, even though they still expected us to help with tasks and duties. They would demean my husband most of the time in front of him and behind his back. Even if me and my husband have a smallest disagreement, They would try to get in between.

That made my husband, short tempered and anxious, for a while, but now he is better as I made him aware that they know all his triggers and he is better than this. We started meditating and yoga together to heal and move forward in life. They are literally trying to pull him back by asking him to guide them through BIL s divorce.

If we try to speak, our heart out about any of above FIL demeans us however MiL starts crying at the smallest things. Then they discuss it with my BIL so he says disrespectful things to my husband.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

iknowsomethings2 said:

NTA. Your in-laws can suck it. Put that energy into yourself and your marriage.

HelpfulPersimmon6146 said:

Cut them off. No contact…

Jess_thekindone said:

Definitely NTA, I understand other culture traditions, but from an American perspective, I'd say you have every right to feel that way and be upset. Just because you were from a "lower" class doesn't mean you should be treated as less. Actually, something funny you could say is, "Well, I'm not of your class, so my behavior and attitude are normal and should be expected from "someone like me."

(I don't know how your culture works or how each class is supposed to behave, it's just a funny thing I thought about)

But yeah, NTA, I think cutting off contact with them is a good idea. They are acting toxic, you married for love, they shouldn't be as surprised that in this day and age, arranged marriages don't guarantee love.

OP responded:

Hey, thank you for your perspective! Just to clarify though I actually come from the highest caste in the Indian caste system, and my husband belongs to the second-highest caste. So it wasn’t really about me being from a ‘lower’ caste, since that wasn’t the case at all. Despite that, I personally never had an issue with any caste, which is why their attitude felt even more unnecessary and unfair.

Crazy4Swayze420 said:

NTA. Husband and you should just block them and go on with your lives. Sounds like you both would be happier without his family being a part of your lives.

And Unique_Weekend_1055 said:

NTA. I am so sorry for your loss and not sorry for the karma brought to them by the new DIL. They asked your husband to build his own life and he has so what's their issue? Building your own life also means choosing your own partner. Don't let them have access to your future/current children if they ask why?

Tell them they need to bring gold first. It's your custom. Your husband also doesn't need them. He has you and your side of the family.