"AITA for not spending the full Thanksgiving break at home?"
I graduated college two years ago, so this is my second year living away from home. I can’t drive due to a disability, so visiting my family requires someone else driving me.
Every Thanksgiving for the past 3 years, my boyfriend drives 5 hours to take me to my mom’s, then 7 hours to his mom’s, then 7 more hours back to my house to pick me up, and then another 5 home. Because of this, he doesn’t have time to spend Thanksgiving with both his mom and dad since they live in different states.
This year, his dad really wants to see him and we finally worked out a plan: he would drop me off at my parents’ on Tuesday, go to his mom’s Wednesday, and pick me up Friday so we could spend the weekend with his dad. His dad only lives 1.5 hours from us, but we haven’t seen that side of his family since last Christmas.
I told my dad first, and he said he was totally fine with me leaving Friday. I even offered to stay until Sunday if he or my mom could drive me home. My dad said he didn’t want to do the full round trip, so Friday was fine.
I told my mom next, and everything blew up.
She told me I’m “not married or engaged,” so I should spend the entire holiday weekend with my family. She said she always stayed the whole weekend with her mom, that “everyone knows” holidays are for your family until you have your own, and that leaving Friday was “selfish” and “absurd.”
She also refused to drive me the full way home Sunday, but expected me to stay anyway. She suggested a friend drive 4 hours round-trip to meet my mom in the middle to get me home (without asking her), and told me to take the train alone, despite knowing I refuse because I was almost kidnapped twice as a teen riding the train.
When I explained that I literally don’t have a ride Sunday, she said I was being “manipulative,” “disrespectful,” and “only doing what’s convenient for me.” She said I don’t appreciate her or want to spend time with her.
I told her that if she wanted me all weekend, she’d have to drive me the full 8 hours home. If she couldn’t do that, I’d have to leave Friday because that’s when my boyfriend is coming back through. I reminded her my boyfriend already drives ridiculous hours every holiday and hasn’t seen his dad in years partly because he’s always driving me to her.
I also reminded her I still come home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and even stay a week in the summer to watch her dog so she can go on vacation. She refused to hear any of it and kept insisting that I should stay the whole weekend even though she won’t drive me home.
So now I’m leaving Friday, and she’s furious and calling me selfish.
AITA for not staying the entire Thanksgiving weekend when I don’t have a ride home if I stay?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
allergymom74 wrote:
Tis the season of mommy and daddy don’t want me to grow up posts. This is your reality. You are reliant on other people. You are with a significant other and want to start exploring what a long term life would look like with them.
I’d say: sorry mom. My bf is prioritizing his family year so he won’t drive me. I cannot come home at all. The options are:
A). I spend those days I said with you. Or
B) I spend no days with you.
And since she has made it clear she won’t drive me, there are no other options and I wouldn’t trust her to hold up your end of the bargain if she all of a sudden orders to drive you. NTA.
top-philosopher1809 wrote:
NTA. You are a grown adult. Your mom’s expectations are ridiculous. She wants you and everyone else to cater to her wants but she refuses to make accommodations to help you get to/from her house.
Her behavior would make me not even want to go to her house for Thanksgiving.(sorry dad). I would go with the boyfriend this year. Also, I would not be burning a eeeks vacation so mom can go on vacation. It‘s past time for you to start making your own plans and not let mom dictate it. You are an adult.
BefuddledPolydactyls wrote:
NTA. "Selfish???" That's the pot calling the kettle black on this one! Your mom wants you there the entirety of the time (why?), but won't lift a finger or foot to make it happen. If you don't cancel the visit with her, leave Friday and enjoy the time with your bf. You'll probably be more than ready to leave as it sounds as if she'll harangue you the entire time.
Au5000 wrote:
NTA. Your mother sounds very demanding. I would not be looking forward to holiday with her. I’m also confused as to why your parents expect someone else to drive you long distances.
As a parent I would expect to be helping you myself with transport, especially if I felt as strongly as you mother about your attendance at Thanksgiving. Tell mom she should be thankful that others are prepared to drive her daughter as she isn’t.
Pretend-Pint wrote:
NTA. Mom needs to understand that you are a full adult now. If she is not happy with the options there is always another: Cancel thanksgiving with them for this year, and enjoy the holidays with your BFs family. And depending on the reaction on you not coming home on Thanksgiving, decide what kind of holiday you want Christmas to be.
Loco-Tooltips wrote:
NTA. Neither your parents want to drive that many hours. Then they have to deal with what you can. Your boyfriend is a keeper. Go with what works best for you and your boyfriend. Your mom dont seem that mature on this point.
CurlyNaturally wrote:
NTA. With the way your mom is acting, I'd tell dad "I love you, but I'm tired of mom's disrespectful, manipulative behavior. Hopefully, I'll see you all for Christmas if mom can properly apologize, respect my decisions AND realize I'm an adult."