'AITA for not splitting my mom’s inheritance with my siblings?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for not splitting my mom’s inheritance with my siblings?"

I (28F) have 6 siblings. Our mom recently passed in November from Stage 4 cancer. I had a really great relationship with my mom.

We would spend time together and my 4 children (5 year old twins, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old) all loved her. I am the youngest of all my siblings. My older siblings didn’t prioritize much time with my mom until the last few months when she couldn’t do much for herself anymore.

I currently live with my boyfriend (38M) and our 4 children in a 3 bedroom apartment. It’s a nice apartment but of course is not ideal for our large family. Over the summer while my mom was still very coherent, she signed a transfer on de-th of her house (5 bedroom, 3 bath) to me for myself, my boyfriend, and our children to move into.

She did the transfer so I wouldn’t have to buy the house as we would not be able to afford a loan for her house. And her house only had less than a year left until it was completely paid off so we would be able to afford her payments that way. All of my other siblings own their own homes and have plenty of room in their homes for their individual families.

I didn’t ask my other siblings if they were okay with this but I didn’t see it as their decision or whether they had a say considering it’s our mom’s house and she had final say anyway. And like I said, all of my siblings own their own homes anyway. Once my mom passed, she had some medical bills that needed taking care of so it seemed as though we would need to sell the house to take care of them.

After looking into it more, my boyfriend said he would buy the house at just enough to cover the medical bills rather than what it’s worth considering we cannot afford what it’s worth plus my mom had planned on us just moving in and not doing any sort of loan anyway.

She had a cash inheritance which she left my oldest sister, Melanie(43F) to split equally among all of my siblings. Since my mom has passed, we have asked Melanie how much is left in the inheritance as it would be split 7 ways and she would always kind of dodge the question. She would say she hasn’t counted it yet or she’s unsure.

My mom also had some coins that were worth some money. She had 4 coins worth about $3,200 and a 5th coin worth about $1,200. I only found out about these coins from my other sister, Rochelle(35F) because she told me Melanie thought about giving the a coin worth $3,200 to herself, Rochelle, my brother Nick(37M), and myself. The coin worth less to another hand picked sibling.

And then just never telling the last 2 siblings about the coins at all. That really upset me. I understand the coins gain value over time and that’s why they didn’t want to pawn them for cash to split equally but that is really unfair and considering there are not 7 coins, I believed the fairest situation would be to pawn them for cash so everyone could be involved.

I suggested that and then never heard anything else about the coins after that. And then one day last week when I had Rochelle and my niece over for dinner, she dropped a gold coin out of her purse and quickly put it back. I never said anything but I couldn’t believe they decided to kick me out of that inheritance because I stuck up for the 3 siblings that were going to be slighted.

Well, flash to a couple days ago my boyfriend got approved for the loan. I told Melanie about this to keep her in the loop and her response shocked me. She told me she did not feel comfortable selling the house to my boyfriend.

I didn’t understand because selling the house to my boyfriend was just a way for us to keep the house so that my moms medical bills would get paid. And my moms wishes were for my family to move into the house. After I got off the phone with Melanie, I called Rochelle to see how she felt but she couldn’t talk right away.

Once I was able to talk to Rochelle, it was very clear Melanie had gotten to her first and manipulated the situation. So I texted the group chat with my siblings. Essentially, they all want to sell the house at full value to a stranger so they can receive an inheritance of cash from the house selling.

Melanie had very obviously made them believe that my mom only transferred the house into my name so I could take care of selling it and splitting the money with all of my siblings. That wasn’t the truth and I tried telling them that our mom did not do that but Melanie had manipulated the situation.

For context, Melanie is the oldest and all of our siblings can be pretty easily manipulated in a situation when it comes to Melanie. It sounds terrible but it’s true. I can see right through it and tried to say my side but they are all on Melanie’s side. They all want cash from the house but I want to live in it like my mom had intended.

Like I said, my mom transferred the house into my name. So I am going through with selling the house to my boyfriend to pay my mom’s medical bills and so us and our 4 children can live there. My siblings feel like I have scammed them out of an inheritance. But I feel like I found a way to get the medical bills paid so that my family can live there which is what my mom intended when she was here. So AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Nameless_consult wrote:

YTA...you are not married to this man. Your mother wanted you to have the house. If you break up, he can literally kick you out. This is insane before marriage. You family is being greedy over the other stuff but they are not wrong about the house.

mneleway wrote:

What happens when/if you and your boyfriend breakup? Then the house is his and you and your kids will be SOL.

You’re NTA but you haven’t thought this through at all.

revenya_1 wrote:

Why are u paying her medical bills - usually the estate pays and then what is left is split. Since the house was already in your name it is unlikely to be part of the estate to settle bills. Have you actually talked a lawyer? Usually you can get a free 30 minute consult or legal aid….

Snowybird60 wrote:

Why are you selling the house to your boyfriend? If you want to be able to keep the house , he could just pay your mother's bills/debts instead of buying the house. Then the house would stay in your name.

ETA: NTA Your siblings got their inheritance. Don't split anything with them.

The next day, OP shared an update.

So first I want to say I am so appreciate of all the comments that seemingly are truly looking out for my best interest. My oldest sister, Melanie, had made me believe that the debt needed to be paid from the house not the cash estate (she would never disclose to us that there was enough to pay off my mom’s medical bills).

I contacted an estate attorney and ended up speaking with the attorney who was directly handling my mom’s medical debts. He told me that there was no need to sell the house right now. That my family could move into it with no worry of paying the medical debt until the future if I ever decided to sell it.

So that’s what we are going to do. If we ever decide to sell it (which I don’t see right now why we would as finding a 5 bedroom house is really hard to come by), we will split the sale of the house after her medical debts are paid and of course subtract any money we put into it going forward from their portion.

I do agree that keeping the deed of the house in my name is the wise decision so that I will always have that security with my children if something were to ever happen between myself and my partner.

I really appreciate all of the comments making that aware to me and all of the comments wanting to make sure I seeked out a lawyer. As far as the coins go, I didn’t mention them because I was upset I wasn’t getting a portion. I understand getting the house is a big deal. I mentioned what was happening with the coins to give an example as to why I don’t feel I can trust Melanie.

And why I feel like she is not being honest about the money and the estate. Which she wasn’t. There is more money than just the coins that she is not being honest about. The deceptiveness is what hurts me. I feel like I am very open and honest with my family and would never try to deceive them. I would rather all conversations especially with my family hold integrity.

Once I had felt settled and secure with talking to the lawyer, I texted my sibling group chat to let them know what was going on. That the house will stay in my name. Melanie has been manipulating the situation and once she thought I was selling it to my boyfriend, I knew she would tell all my other siblings that the problem is not that I was keeping the house but that it would no longer be in my name.

I can tell she is very angry that she can longer spin the story for her narrative. But this is what my mom had intended in the first place. For myself and my children to have somewhere to live and she always knew my boyfriend was in our package deal.

Melanie still seems mad but I don’t see the problem anymore. I’ll keep this post updated if anything else happens to come up. Again, thank you to everyone for the advice. It really helped me out so much and put me in a much more secure position.

The internet was invested in the update.

Pippet_4 wrote:

Who is the executor/administrator/representative of the estate? And if the house was left to you alone, why would you need to share the proceeds from any future sale? Did your mom have a will? How do you know how much cash money/how did your sibling get access to it? Same question about the coins…

Who exactly is the attorney “handling the medical debts”? Who does he represent? The hospital/insurance company? The estate itself? Then why would he not know the amount of cash/other assets like the coins? Why would you be required to pay medical debts from the future sale of the house? Why would this not come from the cash assets of the estate now? How all of this is happening sounds really sketchy.

OP responded:

The power of attorney is my oldest sister, Melanie. She has not been honest with a lot. I have been told by the attorney I spoke with that I do not owe any money of a possible future sale of the house to my siblings. However, it seemed like the right thing to do. I have no idea how much cash money there is.

Only Melanie knows and she won’t give a direct answer of that number. So I’m expecting nothing from that considering how upset she is with me. Which is fine because we have the house which was really important for us.

CantBeWrong1313 wrote:

I wouldn’t tell your siblings you’ll split the proceeds of the house when you sell it. You’re not required to do that. What if you need the proceeds for something urgent, like a medical procedure for one of your kids? Make no promises, or they might argue your promise is a binding contract. And wouldn’t it be great to someday be able to leave that house as an inheritance for your children?

OP responded:

You’re right. It always seemed like the right thing to do. But with the way they have been treating me and ostracizing me, I don’t think I will make definite promises.

Sadielady11 wrote:

We can all give a sigh of big relief that you did not allow your family to steal your inheritance! Your mom wanted you and yours in that house and there you should remain! Sorry family sucks at times.

Anndee123 wrote:

OP, you seem very naive. If I understood this and the last post correctly, your mother deeded the house over to you before she died. That means the house is not part of the estate now that she's passed. The house is yours. It shouldn't be part of the assets calculated for your mother's creditors (like the medical bills) to make claims on. You shouldn't ever have to sell it to pay off your mother's debts.

Wills and Trusts are public documents. You have a right to view your mother's. If your sister is the executor of your mother's Will/Trust, she has responsibilities to the beneficiaries of the will that she needs to follow or she can get in a lot of trouble. Please do your research.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Since I have told Melanie that we plan on keeping the house, she has made it her mission (at least how I see it) to do everything in her power to bury me. Melanie is my big sister by 15 years so I’ve always trusted what she’s said and done. Naively, I guess. Like I’ve said before, Melanie was my mom’s power of attorney. So she made sure my mom’s bills got paid toward the end as that was her responsibility.

Once I told Melanie we would be keeping the house, she would tell me she didn’t have my moms account information and withheld all the information I needed to pay her bills. I made all the phone calls and all utilities were easily transferred into my name. However, going to the bank of course was a little more difficult. I can’t even make a payment without knowing her account number.

Melanie has kept all of my moms paperwork and refuses to give me that information. So I am currently in the process of waiting for the bank to email me a form to fill out to become a person on her account that can make payments. Then once that hopefully gets accepted, I can apply for assumption of her account. I am hoping all of this goes over well with no bumps.

Melanie is very angry with me. I told her I didn’t feel like she was being fair in the way she was dividing the estate and that she continues to change the story to fit her narrative for that day or who she is talking to. I told all of my siblings they could go through my moms house still if they wanted anything of hers before we donate.

Everybody has had a key to my moms house because we would all go over and help her with anything she needed. Melanie then went through the house to take all of the valuables, collectibles, anything that could be sold for decent money so she could sell it herself and pocket it all. Mind you, I’m not talking about a couple of small trinkets.

She took 4 large glass/real wood curio cabinets, 20 collectible cookie jars, at least 100 collectible angels. And she did all of this in one day as soon as she found out I would be keeping the house. So I asked my boyfriend to change the locks. And he did. I’m so glad he did because I found out that they had been talking about taking the fridge and the stove!

Since then, my boyfriend believes that they have been coming over daily to check the trash. They are crazy. Once she found out the locks had been changed, she truly tried to isolate me from my siblings and my dad. They are really the only family I have left. Unfortunately, they are all very easily manipulated.

Truthfully, I don’t really want to try to reconcile my relationship with them if they are so easily manipulated into cutting me out of their lives. And yes, she manipulated my dad as well. I lost my mom only a month and a half ago and now in the snap of a finger I’ve lost everyone else. It’s been very hard to deal with, but I truly don’t feel as though I’m in the wrong here.

Maybe my post seems biased but I don’t feel like I am withholding any information. I also contacted the lawyer who drew up the transfer on d**th so that I could make an appointment with her to finalize it now that my mom has passed. I also asked her if we could discuss my mom’s estate.

She then told me that no estate had been filed. I also contacted the probate court in our county to get ahold of my mom’s will. And they also told me no will had been documented with them. All of that was Melanie’s responsibility. It isn’t right. I will definitely come back with an update end of January/beginning of February as I have an appointment with the lawyer to discuss this next week.

The comments kept coming.

best-blackberry9351 wrote:

Do you happen to have pictures of the items? I’m thinking if her estate goes into probate (I’m not sure) without a will, everything will be split evenly between all those who could have a claim. My mom has an aunt who d*ed without a will and she was a beneficiary. For the life of me I can’t remember if the aunt had children.

OP responded:

I don’t have pictures although some of the items are in the background of pictures I’ve taken over the years. I never thought my family would behave this way, I didn’t know I needed to do my due diligence when it came to them until recently.

toomanyschnauzers wrote:

Your sister is stealing from the estate. She shouldn't be in charge of the estate and can be removed from that duty. I am not sure of the process.

Whoknows1973 wrote:

Why are you even wanting to pay your mom's bills? You will never be reimbursed and it's coming out of your own money. Melanie is responsible for that. Don't take money out of your pocket to put into hers. Seriously.

LibraryMouse9321 wrote:

You need to file a complaint of theft. Melanie went into your home and stole things that belonged to you. You can sue her for the items or the monetary value of them. It’s too late to realize the locks should have been changed and that you had to be there when they looked through things.

Your lawyer should also look into all of your mom’s finances and send a legal request for Melanie to produce the documents that give her power of attorney, or any rights to take or distribute your mom’s estate. It will be worth whatever it costs to go after your sister. She’s a thief. And she’s evil. Take this all to court. Melanie will have to produce all the documents.

Roughly a month later, OP shared another update.

I think this will be my final update. There are still a few loose ends that need tied but as long as that goes smoothly, no need for another update past this one. So let’s hope for the best. I went to the lawyer to finalize the transfer on death. Everything has been signed as far as the deed is concerned.

I spoke to the lawyer regarding Melanie and she said since Melanie had taken everything out as cash right before my mom passed, the only way to force her to start an estate with it would be to basically take her to court on counts of theft of my mom’s money. Which I really do not want to do to my sister.

I understand what she has done is wrong but I also understand I inherited a great asset so I’m just going to call it a wash. A lot of you said to not split the sale of the house with my siblings if ever decide to sell it.

I feel conflicted on this. I’m not sure if I will ever sell it anyway. I have no plans of this for the time being. But if I ever do decide to sell, I will definitely take into consideration what it’s currently worth before any renovations, time and money that we put into it going forward, and of course the cash inheritance I’m not receiving.

I will have to just assume what everyone is getting right now because Melanie would not tell me that either. I could ask my siblings but honestly I don’t want to put any more effort into it. I’ll just assume the highest possible number without being unreasonable. Their fault for not being honest to begin with.

My relationships seem repaired with my siblings and my dad. But they are not the same. There is still some uncomfortability there. Because of course they still have a relationship with Melanie and I don’t feel comfortable being completely open with them like I once had been.

I am happy the relationships are at least somewhat repaired though. I know they are just feeling caught in the middle of Melanie and I. They don’t believe Melanie would lie and they don’t believe I would lie. And I think because I’m the youngest and Melanie is their older sister, they think I’m confused.

Like I said before, Melanie is 15 years older than me. So she was an adult before I had even started school. She’s always had more life and school experience up until the last 5 years or so. So, although I feel like I’ve caught up in the last few years, she will always have that older sister “leg up” on me when it comes to everyone else.

Melanie is also now telling everyone that I need to get a personal loan for the house so that I could buy all of my siblings out. That doesn’t even make any sense. I would not be able to get approved for such a large personal loan and the interest would be outrageous compared to a home loan.

It would have made more sense for me to get a home loan to buy the house if I needed to buy everyone out. Home loans are much easier to obtain, the interest is lower than a personal loan, and they will give you a much higher loan for a home loan rather than personal. But I wouldn’t have agreed to that anyway because I would’ve gotten a home loan for a house that’s move in ready.

My mom’s house needs a lot of work. My mom put the house in my name for myself and my children to have and move into. When I spoke with the lawyer, she told me that when she sat down with my mom, that my mom knew that there was an option to put the house into all 7 of her children’s names and that would be a way to keep it out of court and then I could buy my siblings out.

But my mom didn’t want to do that because she wanted the house in my name so I could move into it with no loan involved and she knew my siblings wouldn’t be getting a payout from it.

I understand how that seems hurtful to my siblings but that’s just what happened and they definitely got a cash, coin, car, valuables to sell inheritance that I’m not a part of. With all of this to say, I think my siblings are conflicted on who is telling the truth because Melanie spins absolutely everything.

I’ve decided to just be done with any more talk of it. Even if it is to defend myself, it’s not worth my mental health over it. I am still in the process with the mortgage company to assume the mortgage but I’m hoping since the house is in my name and I am currently the one paying the mortgage, that it’s just paperwork and there aren’t any hiccups with that.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice and kind words through each update. They were all so helpful. I truly wouldn’t have gotten to this point without the advice and kind words from you guys.

Hopefully there isn’t another update after this one. And if the Comfort Level Podcast happens to have read all of these - I just wanna say I am a big fan. I listen to you guys daily when I’m tidying up my apartment in the evenings. You all seem to have good heads on your shoulders and think so rationally. It’s a calmness I look forward to.

EDIT TO ADD: I just want to mention that Melanie was the power of attorney which ends at death and was not named the executor. Nobody was. My mom unfortunately did not make a will, she felt like all of us would sort things out fairly.

She put Melanie in charge of dividing cash/assets because Melanie is the oldest and she believed Melanie would be fair about it. At the time, I believed she would be fair about it too. We were both wrong. The lawyer told me that because there is no will and no named executor, if we wanted to start a legal estate, all of the siblings would have to agree to name an executor.

But that would then bring me to needing to take Melanie to court for theft of my mom’s money since it’s all basically cash and unaccounted for. Yes, she is being unfair and I do believe stealing. But I will not take my sister to court. I’m just choosing to let it go the best I can.

The comments kept coming.

rocket_mn69 wrote:

Let your siblings know once and for all that mom left you the house and they got everything else, including all the cash, that Melanie withdrew from the bank accounts and if they want more, they need to talk to her about getting their share. Tell them that maybe an audit of your mom's assets should be done and you'll help pay for it.

Pippet_4 wrote:

Yeah your sister is a thief. I understand decided to walk away from the inheritance she stole because you are too tired/not worth the effort to fight in court. But I hope you stay no contact for good, she is absolutely toxic. Maybe someday the rest of your siblings will get a clue and see her for what she really is. Sorry OP.

BestAd5844 wrote:

Encourage your siblings to talk to the lawyer themselves if they have any questions. If your sister continues to spread misinformation, arrange for everyone to sit with the lawyer so he can explain the terms as a neutral party. Let him be the messenger.