"AITA for not supporting my dad and my friends’ new relationship?"

I cannot believe I actually have to post something in here, but I think I need a bit of clarity for my current situation because I really don’t have anyone else irl to talk to about it. I am 21F and attend college about 6 hours away from my hometown. Unfortunately, my mom passed away at a young age and my dad (48m) has been a single father to me for the past 8 years.

My dad hasn’t dated anyone seriously throughout the years as he seemed to constantly indicate that all he wanted to focus on was being there for me. I have always encouraged him to put himself back out there and when I left for school, I encouraged this even more as he would be an empty nester.

Since my freshman year of high school, I have had a really close friend (21F) that has always been there for me and I have spent a lot of time with. She attends a more local college that is only about 20 minutes away from my hometown.

This all started this past Spring Break (March) when I went home and noticed that my dad was texting someone fairly regularly. I also saw the name that was texting him once and I did not recognize it, but it was a woman’s name. This is not common for him so I figured he may be finally sparking up his love life after all these years.

I did not say anything about it because I didn’t want to make him feel weird or uncomfortable about getting back out there. He seemed happy and I was happy on the inside as well for him. I said my goodbyes and went back to school. A few weeks later later, I just so happened to be looking at FindMyFriends when I noticed that my friend was at my house.

I thought this was strange since she doesn’t live necessarily close by. It will sound naive at this point, but I honestly did not think THAT much of it. About a week went by and I decided to came home one day early for Easter in April because I had just a feeling that something was strange and to try and catch my dad off guard a bit. Everything was normal and he was very happy to see me.

I was planning on seeing my friend the next day for lunch. My dad and I spent the day together and then started watching a movie. Then it happened. I saw an incoming text on my dad’s phone and it was from my friend. This was all I needed to see to place the last piece of the puzzle together. My dad was going out with my friend.

I was feeling pretty sick the next day (a little bit of faking to avoid the situation and I also just felt a bit uneasy about it all). It felt like a layer of trust was broken and the other external details (such as their age gap and the already existing dynamic) made me cringe up a bit as well.

After 2 days at home, I took the next train back to school. I told my dad that I really had to ace an exam coming up so I had to get back. I needed to leave the situation and think. After thinking, I came to the conclusion that I am not ok with this relationship.

I did not want my individual relationships that I had with each blended into one, I thought it was a bit gross, and above all the fact that they knew they had to be sneaky validates my feelings that they should know better. I waited until finals were finally over a few weeks ago and finally called my dad and told him that I know and what my thoughts are.

He sounded very upset on the phone (sad, not at all angry) and told me that he understood and wanted to talk about it the next day so that he could think. I have no clue what he was telling my friend but I did not have any contact with her about this throughout these initial calls.

The next day, my dad and I talked. He was very apologetic and understanding of why I was upset, but eventually came down and said that he would not stop seeing my friend. He said that they had been seeing each other since the end of last summer and have become attached to one another and he was not ready to forfeit “his first real connection that he has felt in so so many years.”

I held my ground and told him that I will not be seeing him or hanging out with him when I returned home for Summer Break until he ends this. It has been two weeks at home with basically no interaction with him or my friend (aside from a text from my friend every other day requesting to talk in person or on the phone about it. I did not respond to her texts or calls.)

Tonight it came to a head. I returned home from dinner with a friend to find my dad and my friend awaiting me in my house. This was the most unpleasant experience I have ever had with my father. It ended with him crying and him saying that I should understand because I know how hard it has been for him.

He also pointed out that I have been deeply encouraging him to put himself back out there so I have to have some sort of sympathy with him. After about 15 minutes of yelling, tears, and overall awkwardness, I stormed out and drove to another friends house to stay for the night.

I am too embarrassed to tell the friend I’m staying with the details/talk about why I left home or this relationship. So, I have sat here for the past few hours and wrestled in my mind with whether I am being too hard on them or if I am in the right. Am I the a$$hole here for not supporting this relationship or even tolerating it?

Just a note, I have talked about 0 details yet with my friend or dad about why they started going out or etc. I just know that it’s been happening. I am sorry for how long this is, but I am very confused and don’t know what to think or feel.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Far_Nefariousness773 said:

NTA my friend tried to come on to my dad. He’s good looking, I look like him. Not trying to brag, but my dad looks great for his age. My dad told her she was a child and a child the same age as his own daughter.

Some men are okay with any age and some men arnt. I’m almost 30 and he told my friend no. I can’t imagine a 21 dating my dad. There’s no relationship if you can’t move past this. Even if you love your father, can you love him with this. That will answer your questions.

OkInspection5102 said:

NTA, it's the fact that your dad likely knew her when she was a minor. It seems like neither of them thought about how you would feel about the relationship. I'm curious to know how the relationship began in the first place.

And Proof-Umpire2035 said:

Heck no you’re NTA. That’s so disgusting! Why he would even go for someone the same age as his daughter and why your friend would go for your dad out of all people is crazy.

If you wanna date older men (not that I’m agreeing with the age gap because that alone grosses me out he’s old enough to be her dad ) there’s a billion other men and I can’t fathom why your dad would want to date a women that young even if it wasn’t your friend. Like sure dad get back out there equals fucking my 21 year old friend.

The fact that he wants you to have sympathy for him and saying you have been encouraging him to get back out there is such a gaslighting thing to do. You have no issues with him getting back out there obviously but he knows damn well this is wrong both of them do. This is completely selfish and unfair to you and I’m so sorry they put you in that uncomfortable position!

OP responded:

Thank you very much for this. This helps me sort out a lot of stuff. But I am also now weighing the fact that I really just don’t have a great support system. I have no siblings and it really was just my dad. I just don’t know how I can proceed if neither of us budge. I don’t know if it is all worth it

The next day, she shared this first update:

Ok, so first of all I woke up this morning shocked that so many people had weighed in and interacted with my rant last night. I thought I would have like 3 people respond and then I would go from there. Truly, I am grateful for all perspectives and every point that people were bringing up.

Seeing other people express their thoughts really made this easier to dish out in my mind, consider things that I had not before, and made me feel like there were people that actually could help. I am not very familiar with Reddit, so I’m not sure if “updates” like this are supposed to be attached to the original post or posted separately like this.

I apologize if this is being posted “incorrectly.” Everyone has been so helpful that I wanted to keep an update and maybe even get further advice on how to move forward. This also really helps me debrief and put the experience into words.

Before going into it, I do want to address something. I want to reiterate (I said this in one of the comments on my last post) that my friend and my dad did NOT have any sort of relationship/contact beyond waving hi and bye while I was in HS. I appreciate that people are looking out for me and encourage me to consider that there was maybe something going on then, but I know that this was not the case.

This is definitely not a “grooming a minor that he knew” situation which hopefully is a relief to many of you that were concerned about that. The conversation I had with my dad this morning confirmed this as well.

So after reading a few of the comments this morning and cooling down a bit, I decided to just go home and visit my dad to try and have a conversation about it all. We have way too good of a relationship to not just hear each other’s perspectives. I walked in at 8, when he is always drinking his coffee and watching the morning news.

As soon as I opened the door he looked at me and he looked like he had not slept. About 10 seconds after I walked in with silence, he started crying pretty intensely. My dad is usually not emotional and throughout the past 24 hours I have seen him cry more than I have the rest of my life. He basically stopped me from saying anything and just said that he wanted to explain himself and the situation.

Last summer my dad was at the gym when he ran into my friend. They waved hi to each other and he approached her because he wanted to ask if I had told her anything about my internship I had in another city for the summer. They talked briefly and then a month later they saw each other again at the gym.

This time she asked him if he’d want to grab a coffee and he agreed because he knew we were good friends. He swears that he had 0 romantic intention going into this. Basically he said that they just hit it off and had a good time. It did not become “mutually romantic” until about a month later when they decided to get dinner.

Once this all happened, my dad told her that he needed to tell me about it before moving forward. But, my friend did not want to tell me yet because she was not sure how serious they would eventually be and there was no point in making me feel uncomfortable for nothing.

Unfortunately, this way of thinking just continually progressed until it reached the point of now, nearly 9 months later. He repeatedly said that he wanted to and should have told me from the second they even met up for coffee.

Now for the awkward part. I will admit, the part that was actually making me feel the most uncomfortable was thinking about their romantic relationship. So, I knew I had to be straightforward. I asked him how long they had been intimate. Shockingly, he responded that he has not slept with her yet.

He said that they had done “other stuff” and I stopped him from going into detail about it because we did not need to share that stuff with each other. When I asked him why he has not been intimate, he revealed that he has not been intimate with anyone since he had become a widower. He will not do it until he knows that I would approve of the person he is with.

He then revealed that he HAD gone on a few dates without me knowing for the past 8 years but did not think any of them were special enough to bring around. Not sleeping with my friend even caused them to have a “break” last fall because my friend was upset that he wouldn’t do it with her but she eventually came around to accepting it.

Hearing this really saved the image I have of my dad as a polite, respectful and mild-mannered man. I had said in a few comments on the last post that this was all very uncharacteristic of him and this information calmed a few of my nerves about the situation.

Then the apologies began. He said he was nervous and panicked when I brought up that I knew about it and he lashed out. He said he was trying to convince himself that he was not in the wrong and was glamorizing the relationship a bit to make it seem like I should be more understanding.

Then he started crying again and hugged me and said that he wants to start over with my friend with all of us on the same page, because he really does actually like being with her.

He just wants to take it slow and dial back the seriousness a bit right now. I said that I would be open to this and that we could move forward from there, with no secrets. I also apologized for how reactive I was to it all at the moment. While I still may not fully agree with the relationship, I am more open to seeing it play out/being tolerant now that I know more details. It felt like the father that I knew had returned.

I am meeting alone with my friend tonight. Hopefully there will not be another update since she will verify everything that he said and be on the same page as my dad and I with how we move forward. I will also say that I do not blame my dad for going out with someone my age.

Yes, there is a weird dynamic to her being my age, but I think we are all kidding ourselves if we say that he cannot be excited as a man his age to get attention from a younger woman. There are so many other older men, especially celebrities, that are attracted to younger women that I will not entirely hold that against him.

Thank you all for your help and insight. This may have not gone nearly as well as I would have liked if I had not been able to read some of your insights. I am feeling surprisingly hopeful about this situation going forward.

Edit: There are many people convinced that they know every intricacy of this situation and that they for sure know what was true and false, but this is the moment where I realize that help from the internet has its limits. I still want to thank everyone that is simply just trying to look out for me, but respectfully I just know these people and certain histories/personality traits better than anyone else.

None of this is ideal obviously and I'm not entirely ok or approve of everything, but I can tell you that I feel like I made progress in this situation today. I probably won't be returning to this because now it just seems like its being hashed out in outrage circles. Still, many of the things said on both this post and the last were helpful so I thank you guys. I will be ok and keep my wits. Onward and upward.

A few months later, she shared this second and final update:

So after my last post on here, everything seemed to go to a full stop. My friend and my dad decided to take a week away from each other and my dad really made an effort to hang out with me. At the end of that week, the three of us had a sit-down. It was mostly just everyone apologizing to each other for how everything played out. And then at the end, things just started to feel a bit more normal again.

They agreed that they would take things very slow and I agreed that I would not try and infringe on it. The biggest thing I noticed was that it actually seemed like they liked each other. I had built up in my head that it wasn't an actual relationship and that they would be doomed anyway, but I felt like I may have been wrong.

Somehow it has already been 4 months since this all happened (time went way too fast). As the summer went on they slowly started to get more serious and were publicly out and about by the time I was getting ready to go back to school. Her parents have now met my dad and apparently that went really well and her dad loves my dad. I went back to school and they are fully dating now.

They came up for a football game at my school a few weeks ago and we had a lot of fun. They seem really happy. I get it, the age gap is weird, and I obviously had my reservations, but it's the happiest I have seen my dad in a long time. We also have a really good time whenever I have visited home this semester.

The dynamic with my friend is a little different, we don't talk as frequently as we used to, but we still facetime every once in a while and check in with each other. Nothing has really changed with my dad. He still shows full devotion and interest in me and is there whenever I need him.

Also, I still get 1-1 time with them, which has been really important. It's not always us 3 together. I can still hold my own relationship with both of them. At this point I, or really anyone else, would look pretty stupid acting like their relationship shouldn't exist. I will probably always be adjusting to this new normal and getting used to their age difference, but I think we're all in a really good place. I trust them again.

We love a happy(ish) ending.