'AITA for not supporting my ex-husband and his wife after their years of infertility?'

"AITA for not supporting my ex-husband and his wife after their many years of infertility?"

I (30s) have three children with my ex-husband Nick (30s). Aged 13, 12 and 9. We separated, later divorcing, when our youngest was only 4 months old. We divorced because Nick confessed he didn't love me and he married me because I was pregnant with our oldest.

He had been unable to develop any real feelings for me and could not pretend any longer because he felt his unhappiness was growing by the day. I bring this up because I believe his lack of true feelings for me has led to him seeing me as unimportant and disposable to our kids.

The reason I feel like this is because of his and his wife Hailey's (30s) treatment of me. We had been divorced for a number of weeks when Nick started bringing Hailey to our kids school events.

We met at a school play and they commented that Hailey was getting ready for her role as a new mom. I thought they meant she was pregnant but no, they meant she would be mom to my kids. Hailey wanted to hold my youngest and Nick told me they needed some mother/son bonding because she had not met the kids by this point.

Within weeks of this they wanted me to delegate some tasks to Hailey. Like school pickup and drop off or taking the oldest to dance. My kids barely knew her. They were not living together at this point. And Nick told me it was important to make space for Hailey as a mom. I told him she would be a stepmom but I am their mom.

Nick's response was at their house Hailey would be mom and the kids could do with a mom and dad parental unit instead of divorced parents. He said he knew Hailey would be a better mom than I ever could be. Afterward Hailey would call me a b-tch whenever she saw me because I said she would be stepmom and not mom. She said I was so insecure if I couldn't handle taking second place to her.

Nick took me back to court to ask for primary/full custody and was denied. I went back with proof they were trying to push me out. Nick even tried to remove me from the school contact list and put Hailey on there instead of me.

This was all before they married. Nick was removed from legal decision making after that stunt and he was told to be careful with how they approached PT conferences and doctors appointments because they had to share all that with me. So they did but it came with hostility.

And then when they finally got married they booked a date that fell on my parenting time and after back and forth the kids were not at their wedding because I was expected to give up a week with my kids and not get it back so they could be with them for the wedding and initially after the wedding.

Nick tried to bring the courts into it to take custody from me but the judge said I had been reasonable in my offers for compromise and Nick rejected them. The kids call her Hailey.

This bothers Nick and Hailey and they prefer me to the two of them which they have tried to say is because of alienation and not because they put the kids in the middle when they try to encourage them to call Hailey mom or when they say the kids should tell me they want to spend Mother's Day's with Hailey and not me.

Apparently they were trying to have children together for several years. I'm not sure her diagnosis but Nick said she's sterile and then said infertile. But they are not able to have biological children together. Nick told me all this via our co-parenting app and requested a month with the kids for them to go and visit Hailey's family in Canada. I said no.

Nick pushed and I forwarded the details of our parenting time split and the wording to say neither parent is obligated to give time up. I saw them in person last week at a show for my youngest.

The kids didn't hug Hailey and Nick and Hailey then accused me of not being supportive of them and Hailey's relationship with the kids. And that all those years of infertility should have helped me find some compassion and understanding and make me willing to help them.

I dismissed it. I don't feel like I owe them this. I just want to check if people think I have behaved improperly. Legally I am a-okay. This is not asking for legal advice. AITAH?

This is what people had to say to OP:

ApolloAndSquidge said:

Nope. Your ex is TA but you are not. Sounds like you focus on your kids but he focuses on how his wife feels about his kids. If they’re so desperate for a kid of their own they could adopt or get a surrogate. You keep being a good mum and keep the kids out of the drama as much as you can.

Fuzzy_Passion671 said:

NTA at all. Your ex husband is out of his mind ! & so is his wife. She’s sterile? Sucks for her. That has nothing to do with you. Not your fault. Nothing u can do. Those are YOUR children. She is not their mother! Those ppl need mental help

Responsible_Judge007 said:

NTA. You don’t owe them anything except the nice view of your back while ignoring them. You don’t need to coordinate anything with your exes wife because your ex is the parent. Let go everything through the app because this Circus performance isn’t over…. And you have my huge respect for how calm you are in this situation! 🏅

Ok-Appearance-866 said:

NTA. Your ex is treating you as a surrogate mom and trying to cut you out entirely now that he found a new woman. So he says he never loved you, but I don't understand how he couldn't at least have some basic level of caring/concern for you as the mother of his children. He is a raging AH.

OP responded:

He doesn't see me as valuable to the kids because I was never valuable to him. In his world he can just slot Hailey into my space and the kids will be happier like he was. He isn't understanding that the kids and my bond is separate from our feelings for each other.

Downtown-Session-567 said:

Soo they are trying to alienate you from your kids… why hasn’t that been brought forward…. You could have full custody with the way they are acting. They can’t force the kids to call her mom if they don’t want to. This situation is so weird

OP responded:

It has. But he didn't lose parenting time over it.

Dangerous_Ant3260 said:

My question is why they want to take them to Canada to visit? Wonder if ex is trying to get permanent residence for himself, and claim he has full custody? I'm wondering if the trip to Canada would be turned into permanent? Bet Hailey's family in Canada think she's the full time mother, and OP is out of the picture.

OP responded:

It's possible and him asking for a whole month was a giant red flag to me. Not to mention the fact Hailey could fly out on her own. Or they both could if pushed. There is zero reason for my kids to leave the country for a month and miss that much school.

OnlymyOP said:

NTA. Such blatant parental alienation is a reason to take your Ex back to court for 100% custody though.

OP responded:

I have taken him back to court over the parental alienation. It doesn't remove his parenting time. But he did lose legal decision making over it. He was also forced to pay for breach of the court order.

And Happy-Match-7942 said:

Absolutely NTAH! You ARE the children's MOTHER!!!!!