Half-marathon plans spark tension as 'fit' boyfriend questions girlfriend’s ability to race. AITA?
"AITA for not 'being supportive' of my girlfriend’s decision of running a half-marathon?"
theunrealisticmeme
I (28M) have a gf (28F) that just recently decided to sign up for a half-marathon come December. The reason why she signed up is because she doesn’t want to go to an event that’s also happening that day so she has a built-in excuse (That’s pretty wild to me).
She asked me beforehand and I told her I thought that was a bad idea. She doesn’t like running (nor does she runs) and she could find another excuse that isn’t running a half-marathon.
She still signed up anyway. She then told me that she will follow a 12-week plan for running the half-marathon that was given to her with her inscription. Here’s the thing, I’m a runner in an elite running club, I’ve run over a dozen half-marathons and countless 5ks and 10ks in my life.
This summer I ran a 10k and a half-marathon. I finished 5th overall in the 10k, and 12th in my category for the half-marathon. I’m by no means a “good” runner (good as in make a living running) but I do know what I’m talking about.
She’s often talked about wanting to get “in shape” which I’ve always encouraged but never pushed for (it’s not my place). About a month ago she started to go to Barre classes and she’s enjoying them quite a bit (I’ve gone with her a couple times too), so I assumed that going to Barre classes was the final motivation she needed to sign up for the half-marathon.
Anyways, I advised her to start walking and jogging now before she starts the 12-weeks program. I told her that she needs to build a cardio-base before she takes on a half-marathon program that includes jogging, repetitions, intervals, long-distance, hills, etc.
She doesn’t want to because she’s not willing to stop going to Barre classes and she gets tired doing two workouts a day. I told her that a half-marathon is a lot mileage and that she needed to get extra prepared so she doesn’t get injured in the race.
She said she’s not interested in achieving a “good time” and just that she wants to finish, even if it’s walking. Also that she has a cardio base from playing basketball growing up (she stopped playing basketball 8 years ago).
I told her that she made this commitment and that she should take it more seriously, 12-weeks for a half-marathon is a pretty standard program when you have been running and you want to hit your peak in the race, not when you’re about to start from scratch.
That was the last straw and she got really upset with me saying that I was trying to put her down, not being supportive of her, and that it’s not easy for her when her boyfriend is in great shape and she isn’t.
At that point I apologized for making her feel that way and that I would drop it. I do feel that I need to find a better way to approach it but I want to know was I the AH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
notmappedout
YTA, but it's not that big of a deal.
She's telling you how she feels about the race:
"She said she’s not interested in achieving a “good time” and just that she wants to finish, even if it’s walking."
But you're coming at this from the perspective of someone who thinks races are serious business.
"I told her that she made this commitment and that she should take it more seriously."
She justs want to do this to do this. she doesn't want to take it too seriously. She wants to enjoy it and do it at her own pace on her own time.
spacey_a
This. OP is gatekeeping their hobby and demanding that his gf be perfect at it if she does it at all. OP - it's okay for her to do things just because she wants to. She doesn't want or need to be good at it or better at it than anyone else. Let her do her thing and stop gatekeeping, it's obnoxious and controlling, not to mention pretentious.
evelbug
YTA - "oh no, she's doing my thing and she's not doing it the way I think it should be done"
That's what you sound like.
theunrealisticmeme (OP)
Honestly that’s a good point, it’s hard for me to understand how I sound to other people.
Point taken.
PeelingMirthday
It's cool that you're so open to the feedback you're getting. You sound like you genuinely asked this in good faith and are taking the good and the bad into account. Not everyone has the capacity to do that.
rmric0
YTA.
"I told her that she made this commitment and that she should take it more seriously,"
She's not marrying running, she signed up for a half-marathon. Best case scenario is that it kicks her butt and she takes it more seriously next time, worst case is that she bails halfway into it or has to walk it out if she's determined to finish.
hubertburnette
I think you're NTA, but I also think the way you wrote this is causing a lot of people to misunderstand you. I think a lot of people are interpreting your "take it more seriously" as "really try to get a good time." But I don't think that's what you meant.
I think you meant "take more seriously" the potential for self-injury in jumping into the 12-week training course, since that course is meant for people who are already runners. So, you're worried about her hurting herself, and that's a legitimate concern. Hell, just walking 13 miles in a single day is a lot. Is that what you meant?
theunrealisticmeme (OP)
That’s a good point, I never meant to say “you have to make a good time” but instead, “you have to take your training seriously to be prepared to run such a long-distance”. I should have been more clear there.
SqueekyOwl
YTA. It's just a half marathon. She can walk it if she wants. She can quit if she wants. She can sleep in instead if she wants. There's no consequence for not running a half marathon that she signed up for. It's not even that big of a commitment. No one (except you) are going to care if she doesn't do it.
The only risk is if she doesn't train, and pushes her body too hard at the marathon and hurts herself. Rather than acting like she should become an avid runner just because she signed up for a half marathon, you should support her decision to participate in the marathon at her comfort level in a safe way.
She isn't risking injury yet, so you were out of line with your lectures. As for taking the commitment seriously, give me a break. Running is your hobby, not her life's work.