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Woman prioritizes mental health over caring for GF's sick kids when heart failure sends her to the hospital. AITA?

Woman prioritizes mental health over caring for GF's sick kids when heart failure sends her to the hospital. AITA?

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"AITA for not taking care of my wife's children while she went to hospital?"

I (36f) has a severe phobia of vomiting and it also causes a lot of side effects for me where I get sick for weeks, if not months, if I puke. I live with Lisa (38f) and her two daughters part-time. Every other week, their dad has the custody.

It is important to know that although I have a good relationship with the kids, neither me or Lisa think that I should be like an extra parent to them. I do things with them, and I help out when I can.

But the sole responsibility of their everyday life lies with their mother and father. During our week, the kids got the stomach flu which, as I have always done before, prompted me to live with a friend until the illness had passed over our household.

However, Lisa called me as she was being admitted to hospital for heart failure. That sent me into a hysterical episode and shock and fear of which I'm not proud of but also had no way of stopping.

Lisa asked me if I could take care of her kids and I begged her to ask her ex instead. Lisa does this reluctantly, I know that she is hurt by my no but I am at the time lying on the floor weeping out of fear = not suitable to be a responsible and sensible adult to two easily frightened kids. The ex eventually comes and takes the kids but is furious at me for not taking care of his kids.

He proceeds to text Lisa throughout the hospital stay about how selfish I was and how I wasn't putting the children first. When Lisa comes out of the hospital we talk about it.

She expresses her disappointment, and I try to explain just how useless I would have been to the kids and how scared I was. Meanwhile, the ex texts Lisa that Lisa should dump me. Am I the AH here for asking the father to take care of his kids, as I couldn't do it?

Edit: I need to clarify something: I was crying because I thought that Lisa was dying in the hospital. So I thought I was losing her and had a panic attack over that, in combination over a phobia panic attack.

I DO help out lots of times and take a lot of responsibility when it comes to the kids safety and wellbeing in our home. There have been other times when there have been emergencies that I have stepped up and been an adult for the kids. But this time I failed, out of fear.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

"I (36f) has a severe phobia of vomiting and it also causes a lot of side effects for me where I get sick for weeks, if not months, if I puke."

Have you gotten any psychological treatment for this? Because this isn't a reasonable way to go through life. Sometimes people just have to puke. It's part of life. You gotta deal with it.

Show your wife that you are taking steps to make sure that this never happens again by getting treatment for your phobia. Otherwise, you are showing her that you are someone she can't count on and you would be the AH.

(OP)

It's unfortunately not mentally but physically. A stomach bug makes my IBS and chronic stomach wound to go bonkers and makes me bedridden and dangerously sick. Have been sent to the hospital for it.

So it's not that you have a phobia of puking so much as you were worried about catching the stomach virus from the kids with your per-existing condition. You should have made that clear. That's not a phobia. Phobias are by definition irrational. Your fear is rational.

Ok_Expression7723

I’m having a really hard time wrapping my head around a 36 year old adult who cannot help watch two children that they know for a short time while their wife (the parent) is having a medical emergency. YTA.

When you’re with someone who has kids, sometimes you’ll need to help. When someone you love is suddenly hospitalized, it’s not about you. Being a partner to a parent means sometimes you put the kids first even if you aren’t their parent. If I couldn’t rely on my partner to handle themselves and help out in an emergency, I wouldn’t be able to trust them.

Of course the kids’ dad should get them if the mom is going to be longer than a day or so or if you had preexisting obligations that you could not change. But stepping in to help for a day or two shouldn’t be that huge of a deal if you are married to their mom.

And while I understand a fear response if someone I love is suddenly hospitalized, hysterics are an extreme reaction. I would recommend working on that with a professional. While we can’t help an emotional response to a trigger, we can gain coping skills.

YTA, why are you with someone with children if you can't step up and help out when needed? I mean that as gently as I can. I have a son with my ex but I know even though that's not his kid, my husband is willing to step in when I need help. She needed your help and you couldn't step in when she needed you to.

Did you crumble into a weeping pile on the floor because of your partner's heart failure, or because of the prospect of looking after her sick children while she was dying? I mean, the answer is likely irrelevant. YTA for making your partner's life-threatening illness about you.

NTA. You are not capable and the kids wouldn’t have been safe. I would also dump you in favor of a more competent partner who is able to adult better.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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