'AITA for not taking down pictures of my family in my own home to make my son’s new wife feel more comfortable?'
"AITA for not taking down pictures of my family in my own home to make my son’s new wife feel more comfortable?"
I (late 50s) am a picture person. I have hundreds up in my home. It started when I was caring for my aunt with Alzheimer’s and has just gone from there. I have three kids and 4 grandkids and as you can imagine I love having photos of them up on my home.
My middle son Gavin (27) is no longer with my 4 y/o grandson Tommy’s mom, Helena. They’re still friendly and coparent well, and I see her often enough because I help with Tommy.
Last year he married Cheri (also 27) after only being together a few months, but she seemed sweet and like she makes him happy. We had no issues until this summer, when my son asked me to down any and all pictures that Helena was in to make Cheri more comfortable.
I don’t have any of her alone, just a few of the entire family and a few when Tommy was younger that my son is also in. I said no, it’s my home and I like having them up, I certainly have added many with Cheri in them but it’s silly to take some down just because Helena and Gavin are no longer together. It’s still a part of our family history.
He asked again a few weeks ago and I gave him the same answer, and told him that I’d be happy to explain to Cheri, but he dropped it. He called me yesterday and told me that it was the last time he was going to ask, the pictures needed to come down or Cheri wouldn’t come to our home anymore.
I told him that was ridiculous, and he said that it was important to him because they made Cheri jealous and it was affecting the way she was treating Tommy. I am appalled.
Apparently Tommy mentioned a picture in my house and Cheri threw a fit, and Gavin says that it’s making his life difficult. He brought it up around my daughter (the oldest) who told her younger sister as well, and they both agree Cheri is being ridiculous.
I told him, if your wife is treating Tommy poorly because of some pictures in my home, then you need to think if this is the right person. Obviously he disagrees but has been hounding me leading up to Thanksgiving.
My husband is also on the side of we do not negotiate with terrorists, but has also pointed out that they are married and we should pick our battles. I’m wondering if I’m missing the forest for the trees?
Just a quick edit: if there was abuse I would have already called CPS. Cheri has decided when Tommy is there to make herself sparse and not be involved with him anymore. I have told Gavin that’s not acceptable and he says he’s working on it, but there is nothing to report. And Helena knows all of this.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
That rotted wench is treating her new stepson like trash and using pictures as an excuse. Even IF the pictures come down, the 'terrorist' will ask for more, and the next thing you know Tommy won't be able to even mention his mother, then it'll be Tommy's mother can't come to the house to pick him up until finally, Tommy should go live with his mother. Gavin married an AH.
Her insecurities are not your concern... and frankly, if your son is weak enough to stay with a woman that treats his child poorly because there's a photo of his mother in someone else's house then your son has a bigger problem than taking down a picture will fix.
I would take the picture down and then in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner mentioned that you took it down because you were unaware of her insecurities and that you were saddened to find out that she was taking her insecurities out on your grandson. So you hope she feels better with the picture being removed... but i'm petty like that.. maybe you should tell your son to get a spine instead.
NTA. This is a Cheri problem not a you problem and if she’s taking it out on Tommy it’s a major Gavin problem that he needs to handle immediately.
The new wife is jealous and gets to get the hell over herself...NTA.
Why aren't you throwing a fit about the fact that your son is allowing your grandson to be treated poorly by his stepmother? It's not about the pictures, it's about how your grandchild is being treated.
NTA. Frankly if Cheri is having problems with reminders of your son's past, then I question if she won't eventually try to isolate him from the biggest reminder of all...... His son. It's his life and there's nothing you can do about that, but it's not up to you to make her comfortable with his past in your home.
SingerAware2658 (OP)
Yes, I have told him and made him very well aware how I feel about her insecurities. I can’t make him change but I’m not changing my home for her.
NTA. This situation has all the hallmarks of emotional abuse on Cheri's part. Pushing for commitment on an extremely expedited timeline, overbearing jealousy and possessiveness, isolating him from his family, using his son as a weapon, volatile outbursts...I think it's worth sitting down with your son alone and telling him you're genuinely concerned for him and for Tommy.
Unfortunately if he won't listen there's nothing you can do. It's a tricky one because you're obviously in the right not taking down the pictures but there is a concern that she may successfully isolate him if she doesn't get what she wants, and it's harder to leave an abusive relationship when you don't have your support system. I'm sorry you're in this position, it's an unenviable one.