'AITA for how I responded to my dad after saying I will not be taking my family to my parent’s Thanksgiving?'
"AITA for how I responded to my dad after saying I will not be taking my family to my parent’s Thanksgiving?"
A week ago (2 weeks before Thanksgiving) I (32m) let my sister know that my wife, 2yo, and I will not be attending the Thanksgiving they will be hosting where all of my siblings and parents will be attending with some other guests.
I had initially said we would be going to their TG a month or so prior, but when my wife and I talked about it, it made more sense to go to her family’s TG as we went to my sides TG last year, and we would be going to my sister’s baby shower a week before TG, so we will see everyone there. (There is also a lot less drama and crazy at her sides TG as well, but that’s beside the point).
Word spread amongst the siblings, where there were some grumbling, but no hostilities. I would of thought my sister was going to tell our parents, but it isn’t her job, and if you catch my parents in the wrong mood the world essentially explodes, so I understand her not saying anything to them.
Fast forward to this last Saturday (1 week before TG), and everyone from my side of the family is attending my sister’s (same sister who is hosting TG) baby shower. I talked to my mom during the party about not attending TG this year because of alternating family TGs, and that we are seeing everyone at the baby shower. She was clearly disappointed, but she understood and the party went on.
My dad was having a tough time with the party. Around the time I was telling my sister we wouldn’t be attending her TG, my dad decided he wanted to get off of what seems to be a pretty gnarly SSRI.
When my wife and kid got to the baby shower, he let me know how hard of a time he is having, and that he cried 2 times on his way to the shower because he is struggling in his head so hard.
Unfortunately this is not a new trend of my dad hijacking a party or get-together with his own drama, and he had recently sent me passive aggressive text about me not knowing what he is going through and how what a “wonderful son” I am because I didn’t know he was going off his meds when he hadn’t told me.
Regardless, I stayed out of his way for the majority of the party, but kept hearing him talking to complete strangers about what he was going through. (Which just seemed so inappropriate to be talking about at his daughter’s baby shower, but I digress). I was having a great time, and near the end of the party he walked out and looked like he was about to leave, so I went out to talk to him and check in with him.
I was immediately met with all of his problems with so many things which included things like my mother, my deceased cousin, and ended with something about me not being a part of their family anymore because I don’t talk to him or hang around my parents with my family much anymore.
That last line is one he has thrown around for years now, and I normally just let it roll off my shoulders…but not that day. I was beginning to tell him that his comments like that are not fair.
I told him that he makes me feel like he is not proud of the man, husband, and father he raised me to be, when I was interrupted by the end of the baby shower (I had been outside for 15ish minutes listening to him talk at me before I finally spoke up for myself).
As I was getting in my vehicle with my family he came over to my door and I went out to give him a hug, and he immediately began to cry in my arms. He said that I am the proudest thing he has in his world, and that he believes we are saying the same thing, but are just butting heads.
That was so far from the truth, but I wasn’t going to say anything and just held him saying it’s okay. I felt like a terrible son, and like I was the cause of this. We left and my wife was comforting and trying to not let me blame myself.
Yesterday I got a text from my dad talking about what he would like to do with my son and I at TG, and that’s when I let him know we would not be going to my sisters TG. Before he had texted me back later in the evening, I had made plans with my mom to do 3 separate activities with my side of the family all within a span of 2 weeks during Christmas time.
So we will be having quite a bit of time with them, making me feel better about not being at TG.
Below is a transcript of the text messages that followed from my dad.
I tried my best to stop the escalating conversation before it started, and purposefully did not engage in the name calling and everything else he was doing to me, but by the end I snapped. AITAH for how this all went down? (I am sorry for the length of this post)
Yesterday 07:55 – Dad: Hey, the day is starting out ok and I got some much needed sleep. I was thinking, that cemetery has all sorts of roads and paths and while I was walking there yesterday I thought to tell you to bring [REDACTED]’s push bike so that you and I or mom and I or everybody could go for a walk and watch our boy have fun on his bike.
We also could try and introduce him to hide and seek cemetery edition. Maybe even tag. It could be fun!
Yesterday 09:18 – Dad: What you think? I am sitting out side of church for a bit.
Me: That sounds like something fun when we are all down there next. We will be going to [REDACTED]’s for Thanksgiving this year. I am currently accompanying students to their flights at [REDACTED].
Yesterday 11:24 – Dad: What?
Me: [REDACTED] and I will be going to her brothers for Thanksgiving this year. We did a [REDACTED] family Thanksgiving last year, and were all together at the baby shower yesterday, so we are going to [REDACTED] to have TG with the [REDACTED]s.
Yesterday 13:50 – Dad: Ok, You said you would be at [REDACTED]’s and after this week of my mental fitness I was kind of counting on it. What made you change your mind and why wouldn’t you respectfully talk to the captain of this good ship.
Yesterday 17:37 – Me: Honestly dad, you aren’t in the right mind for me to respond to your text. [REDACTED] and mom both know we will not be going to [REDACTED]’s.
Yesterday 22:36 – Dad: I have stared at this response quite a few times trying to figure out your meaning. Are you saying somehow I am the reason you are not coming to thanksgiving?
Me: No, that is not what I’m meaning. Us not going has nothing to do with you.
Dad: I am in the right frame of mind right now so can you explain why you have up and changed plans when it had been decided by all what we are doing and you up and changed it with no discussion with your family.
Maybe you have a truly valid reason. I would like to hear it. I will be saddened not to see [REDACTED] and you guys and so will the rest of the fam. Splitting holidays between families makes sense but not after it had been decided awhile ago. So why this last minute change? Won’t you see them on Christmas day and not us?
Me: Talk to mom.
Dad: Now you have my curiosity and mom is snoring. Tell me. It must be a humdinger of a reason. Actually I think I did ask her and all she said was you told her on your way out of [REDACTED]’s but not why.
Me: What is wrong with you? You think saying that to me makes me want to talk to you about anything? You are doing exactly what I was talking about yesterday. Glad you heard me.
Why would I want to do anything with someone who says something like that? Why would I tell someone anything when they are doing this passive aggressive childish name calling game about something that quite frankly is none of their business. You aren’t hosting the dinner, so it isn’t your ship.
Dad: Ah, the old turn it around move? What is this secret? You used to talk to me about people doing what you just did and how childish that is. I give you the benefit of the doubt with your BS and don’t call you on it so why do you try to make things up?
Me: There is no secret. Like I told mom during the party, we realized it made more sense to go to [REDACTED]’s as we had a [REDACTED] TG last year and we were just at [REDACTED]’s for the baby shower. Like, I don’t know what else you expect us to be hiding.
Dad: We don’t host holidays. We do it as a family. I am the Captain and your sister asked me if we could do Thanksgiving together at her house. Together. I agreed. You agreed. You have now made everyone sad.
Changing on a whim for no reason is not cool and only you can fix it. Not letting my [REDACTED] be present at our family Thanksgiving is wrong. It is expected for everyone to pitch in. Hosted? Venue? Words of someone who didn’t learn what a family is.
Me: I’m actually laughing my ass off with how unhinged that string of statements are. 😂😂😂 Again, you failed to hear me yesterday as you are literally saying that if I don’t bring my family to what seems to be YOUR Thanksgiving, I am not only a bad son, I’ve ruined the whole [REDACTED] family Thanksgiving.
You clearly are ashamed of the adult, father, and husband you have raised me to be. If you and the family all think that it is so wrong, I am not really sorry to have let everyone down. I will have a great, drama free Thanksgiving with [REDACTED]’s family, and now that you have put your two sense in, I know I’ve made the right choice.
Want to know the stupid thing? We have already made plans with mom and the sisters for 3 separate events in December for us all to be together. That’s why I wanted you to talk to mom. But alas, here we are.
To be honest, I don’t care what you have to say at this point. I will be blocking your number and any other means of communication between us if you continue to text me or call me. The cowardly way out as I am sure you would say. See you on the 14th.
Dad: Alas son, you have proven again your disrespect for your elders. I can’t figure how you think the hurtful things you say is ok. I wish you luck in the future. Have a laugh on me.
Did you make the right decision? Only history will tell. I am proud of you but now I know that is trivial to you or you would have listened to my words and not be vindictive and so wrong in your understanding.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Your dad is clearly trying to twist everything around to an "I'm always right because I'm the dad" thing. Also. You're an adult and it is only fair to see both families? He is struggling with meds. Maybe you could have deescalated, or maybe you know there was no right way to talk to him.
Next time, if there is a next time, I would just not argue. "Sorry dad, we need to visit SO's family for TG this year." Anything else he says, don't engage. Just repeat your line, without changing any wording.
Honestly the whole "captain of this good ship" line made me cringe so hard. Dude's acting like Thanksgiving is some military operation he's commanding instead of just... dinner with family. OP handled it way better than I would have - that text chain was painful to read and his dad was being absolutely ridiculous with all the guilt tripping and manipulation.
You did right by standing your ground and doing whats best for your own family. Its not like you've cut them out completely. Its one dang holiday get-together that you're missing.
My dad and FIL are both terrible all around and manipulative. I'm harder for them to control, but my husband is a softie and doesn't like hurting feelings so he beats around the bush. Its exhausting dealing with these types of people.
Maybe I’m an AH too. But I don’t feel that I need to explain my decision any further than I already have. I also am not going to cater to him just because he came off his meds. He needs to learn how to deal. I came off mine.
Yes, it was a rough couple of weeks but I didn’t make it anyone else’s problem. Nor did I expect them to cater to me. Called my therapist and kept it pushing. It was a me problem.
NAH / ESH. Everyone is telling you how wrong you were, and maybe you didn't handle it perfectly, but frankly, neither did he. Your father is mentally struggling and does deserve kindness in these times, but he's also being manipulative and critical, none of which you deserve either.
So you're both wrong and not wrong. There's clearly a lot of history which means you're both making assumptions and skipping to the later stages of the discussion, which is very common in families. It's also very hard to break those long-established patterns, especially when your father's body chemistry is so disrupted.