"AITA for not taking off work for my GF's birthday?"
I (31F) and my gf (29F) have been dating for about a year. Her birthday was last month and it landed on a Tuesday.Tuesdays are typically busy work days for me.
My plan was to go to work, maybe sneak out around 4 if I could manage it, then meet up with her for birthday dinner at a restaurant she likes. When I asked her what she planned to do, she didn't really have much of a plan. Mostly it was "hang out, do whatever I want, maybe do this, maybe do that," nothing concrete.
So I then asked if she knew where she wanted to go for dinner after work. She got upset because she had expected me to take the day off and spend it with her doing whatever. I told her that I didn't want to do that and felt uncomfortable. I'd recently had some life events and health issues that effectively burned through most of my PTO and sick days.
She told me to just lie about being sick again or that I had a Dr.'s appointment. This made me more uncomfortable. I hate lying and I hate bending the rules. Especially when it comes to work. I've worked hard for my career and I'm lucky to have my job. Additionally my company has been very good to me and it felt wrong to take advantage of their kindness.
She's comes from money and has always had a cavalier approach to jobs. Her mindset is that if any company would fire you on a whim, why be loyal? I told her no but she insisted and we fought. Eventually she gave in and accepted. Her birthday comes around, and she seemingly has a good day: shopping, napping and going to lunch with her parents.
At dinner she seemed completely fine. We went to one of her fave spots, had an excellent meal, even got free champagne. Then we went home, I gave her her gifts and we made love (I'll spare you the details). In the end, she said she had a great day. Flash forward to today, a month later. She's clearly upset and grumpy. I poke and prod and ask her what's wrong.
She eventually EXPLODES on me. She said she's still pissed I didn't take off work for her special day, and that I haven't apologized. She says I ruined her day by not being there for her. When I brought up that she said she had a "great day," she says she lied and that OBVIOUSLY I'm supposed to have done everything in my power to make sure she had an amazing b-day.
Again, she had no plans listed. She was operating off of just vibes. When i pointed that out, she said that it was my responsibility to help her come up with things to do and know what she would've wanted to do.
I'm very confused and my head hurts. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
smartypantstemple wrote:
Red flags:
"She got upset because she had expected me to take the day off and spend it with her doing whatever. I told her that I didn't want to do that and felt uncomforable." she ignores your discomfort here.
"She told me to just lie about being sick again or that i had a Dr.'s appointment. This made me more uncomfortable." She ignores your discomfort again.
"She's comes from money and has always had a cavalier approach to jobs." She appears to have no empathy here.
"Flash forward to today, a month later. She's clearly upset and grumpy. I poke and prod and ask her what's wrong. She eventually EXPLODES on me." I am a little confused here, was she grumpy for a whole month or only after a month, if it's the first she again lacks empathy, if it's the second she's clearly not communicating with you something.
"When I brought up that she said she had a "great day", she says she lied and that OBVIOUSLY I'm supposed to have done everything in my power to make sure she had an amazing b-day." Bad communication and she had unrealistic expectations for someone she has only been dating a year.
"She said that it was my responsibility to help her come up with things to do and know what she would've wanted to do." unrealistic expectations again.
She must be really great in bed if you are willing to keep her around this long after all these red flags.
ShredGuru wrote:
Bro. This girl is a walking red flag. It's totally unreasonable. She's 30. Her birthday is not that big of a deal. I don't even take MY OWN birthday off work. The fact she pent up her rage for a month to use against you later is also a massive warning sign. Then you clearly stated your boundaries and she threw a fit. Bad news man. Proceed with caution, I believe you may have trouble on your hands. NTA.
remarkable_inchworm wrote:
Jesus Christ.
How old did you say she was? Because this is five-year-old behavior. NTA.
platypus_monster wrote:
I think birthdays, achievements, and milestones should be celebrated. But there's a time and place and there's time and place. At 29, you would think she would grow out of entitlement and have some common sense. NTA. Don't jeopardize your career for stupid as f reason as taking a day off or lying to celebrate someone's birthday all day.
Anxiety-tough wrote:
NTA. It’s honestly childish and kind of baffling for someone to expect you to take a full day off work just because it’s their birthday. Like…come on. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 7 years and she’s never once expected that. Most adults have jobs, responsibilities, and limited PTO that’s just life.
Taking a day off makes sense if you’re going on a trip or have something actually planned, but skipping work “just because vibes” is not reasonable. And no, it’s not your job to magically plan her whole birthday when she didn’t even know what she wanted to do. If it’s someone’s birthday and they have specific expectations, they should communicate them and plan accordingly.
You even offered a nice dinner after work, gifts, intimacy sounds like you showed up for her in every meaningful, realistic way. She enjoyed her day at the time, and now she’s retroactively rewriting it because she expected you to read her mind. That’s not fair. You set a boundary, you were honest, and you respected your job and your values. You’re not the problem here.