'AITA for not telling my boyfriend of two years that I'm infertile?'
"AITA for not telling my boyfriend of two years that I'm infertile?"
I honestly can't believe I am even in this situation or that I am writing this post... Before I get flooded with YTA's I need to point out that I am OPENLY CHILD-FREE by choice! I told my boyfriend I don't want kids on date ONE. He even said he agrees! He claimed he didn't even like children.
Not only am I child-free by choice, I openly talk about it, I have mostly child-free friends & even talked with him repeatedly about not wanting to have children. OFTEN.
Now, back to the story. Around the age of 28 I found out I needed a medical procedure which would make me infertile. I don't want to say why or what exactly it was here because it is a little too specific (& I don't want everyone I know to recognize it's me) but long story short - it is impossible for me to get pregnant.
Not "unlikely" but very very impossible. I was actually happy about that because (again) I don't want children so it lifted some stress for me (of accidental pregnancy). Recently one of my friends became (very) accidentally pregnant. She is now in a bad state emotionally & looking at options. My bf actually said something like "It's odd how we still haven't had an accidental pregnancy".
I laughed a little and replied something along the lines of "Right? That's why I'm glad I can't get pregnant". He actually looked at me shocked and asked what I meant. I told him the whole story & he became very angry. Started screaming "how could you lie to me like that?!" & "how could you keep it from me".
I was confused because while I could understand being maybe upset about not knowing something that personal about me, it really shouldn't warrant screaming and that kind of anger. After some back and forth he said he actually thought I would CHANGE my mind about kids, that HE would change my kind & even if he couldnt then a baby would, that he WASTED 2 years with me.
I was shocked & basically stormed out & left (we don't live together). Now even his mother (!) sent me a passive-aggressive message about leading men on & wasting her son's time.
At first I was just angry, but am I the @$$hole too? Should I have told him about it being impossible to have kids? I feel like he was an ass but 2 wrongs don't make a right. the relationship definitely is over but I need closure from outside perspective cause I don't even want to talk this out after what he said. (Though, from now on I will 100% tell men I'm infertile, I thought my definite choice of no kids was enough).
Here's what people had to say to OP:
[deleted] said:
NTA. Dodged a bullet there. "It's odd how we still haven't had an accidental pregnancy" Dude was probably trying to knock you up.
YouSayWotNow said:
Oh hell no, NTA. You were upfront that your didn't want children. It's irrelevant whether that's down to personal choice or physical reasons, you were very clear. He LIED that he felt the same because he hoped you'd change your mind.
I hadn't even imagine the lack of self-awareness to be angry at your for not revealing a medical detail which was irrelevant given your very clear and open declaration that your didn't want kids, yet have lied to you about the fact that actually, he did want some really. I genuinely could not get past that. He needs to F right off.
BtsGrande said:
NTA. In my opinion you're not the @$$hole. He thought you would change your mind after you have told him very openly that you never want kids. This is something lots of guys do and i think its extremely wrong and manipulative.
You told him you will never want kids and if you say that it doesn't matter of you're infertile or not. Never means never and if he cant accept your opinion then he doesn't respect you.
He is upset now because he thought he could charm you into having kids and realizes now that it isn't possible. His mom is on his side because she most likely wanted grandkids and he told her that he will get them in the future. He has no respect for your opinion and is throwing a fit.
And Odd_Welcome7940 said:
NTA. Text his mom back that she is a moron who raised a moron and she can go F herself.
Small update to answer common Q's:
Did we use protection? yes. We don't live together & I was clear with him that until we are fully committed (aka at the very least living together) protection is non-negotiable. I know too many stories of husbands cheating for me to risk getting a serious STD because he had a "lapse in judgement". (Like I trust other drivers not to hit me but I still wear a seatbelt)
Why didn't you tell him? I'm not the most sharing person overall (I know, I know communication is key... gotta work on that) but also I just don't like talking about that time period, it was scary & very painful in some aspects. I am now glad it happened but back then it was rough. I avoided that topic so that's on me.
I probably should have simply told him about infertility but I didn't want questions of "why" "how" "when". Most of my loved ones know simply because they were there when it happened.