'AITA for not telling my dad that he wouldn’t be walking me down the aisle?' UPDATED
"AITA for not telling my dad that he wouldn’t be walking me down the aisle?"
So 25ish years ago two dumb 20 year olds got drunk and made me. They had and still have nothing in common, don't particularly like one another, but for some reason decided to keep me. I always lived with my mom full-time. I love her don't get me wrong, but she's pretty messy.
I have 6 other half-siblings, two of them have the same dad. We always had a clean place to live and never went hungry or anything, but I know there were times that she did so we wouldn't. Mom very clearly loves all of us individually and as her family, she's just pretty irresponsible.
My dad I'd say more has his act together, but we're not close. He married Hildy (also mid 40s now) when I was 6ish and they had my half-brothers Jesse (16) and Kyle (14) a few years later.
They both have really good jobs and a nice house and cars. I know my dad paid child support but their lives simply were very different than mine. I'd come over every other weekend but after a while they were too busy with the other two so I'd just wait for dad to text me when he was available.
He did, don't get me wrong, but he works a LOT so I probably saw him once a month before I went to college, and after that we'd talk every now and then but mainly just see one another on holidays.
One of these holidays, Hildy got kind of drunk and told me that after my mom had me my dad basically blocked her and just paid child support until his parents (my grandma and grandpa) basically shamed him for being a deadbeat and he got some visitation.
That hurt a lot to hear, but it made a lot of my childhood make sense. It all came up because she was resentful that he had to pay my mom child support until I was 21, and was saying she had wished I'd skipped college. It's also sad, because I know she was busy with her kids, but I always thought she at least liked me.
Like, I know she HATES my mom because it was maybe petty but when they had Jesse they replaced my room at their house with the nursery and pout my stuff in another one, so my mom filed and was awarded MUCH more child support than she had been getting, and that affected them.
It's fine, there was free therapy at college and I'm actually doing great career and mental-health wise now, in fact, my fiance and I make about as much as they do (granted less property etc). So I'm in a good place!
Literally freshman week I met my now fiance John (25), but we didn't start dating for two years and have been inseparable ever since. His family is AMAZING - super loving, involved but not pushy, and kind. They do have a lot of money, and idc if you don't believe me but even if they were broke I'd be so lucky to be marrying into their family.
Like, just an example of how amazing they are, his mom gave him her grandmother's ring to propose and has offered me any and all of her or her sisters' jewelry to borrow for the wedding, his dad helped my brother get a job in his industry (he deserved it, but it's a hard one to crack into!), and even his sister is going to be my MOH!
Ok maybe these are stupid examples, but they've told me before I don't need to apologize for my crazy and kind of trashy mom and have even thanked her for raising the love of their sons life. They're just SO happy and positive and full of love, I'm SOOO lucky.
I've been so good about setting up boundaries, like with my mom, I laid it out that I'm not her best friend, she's not Lorelai Gilmore and I'm not Rory, I'm her daughter and always have been.
We've had some come to Jesus moments but are in a MUCH better place, and I am sad (?) but also very happy to say that she's been a MUCH more responsible mother to my four youngest siblings than she was to my brother (diff dad) Jake (23) and me.
And my dad and I have never been close, but I've tried. When John and I were talking about getting engaged, he asked me if I wanted him to ask my dad's 'permission.' At first I said no, what's the point?
Then I was like, ok, I'm his ONLY daughter, he's kind of traditional, and he was more or less there for me growing up. So he did, and dad was tickled pink just as I expected. They never said they had any money for the wedding or offered any, which wasn't shocking or anything, and I didn't ask.
So after all that background, we're getting married soon! It will be in John's hometown, which is a pretty nice place that people go to for vacations and they know basically the hole town so it will be a huge event.
His family (and to be honest, we) want a big wedding, but since we're just starting our careers out, his parents are paying for the whole thing (I am paying for my dress though, and my mom and younger sibs travel).
I kind of just assumed my dad would walk me down the aisle, but a few weeks ago at one of my showers, Hildy was talking with John's mom, who was saying how proud they must have been that I paid my own way through college.
Hildy was like oh yeah, it looked really hard, we're glad that we started saving towards our sons college funds a long time ago, they have more than enough for undergrad and probably grad school.
I overheard this and confirmed with John's mom what she said. It hurt so bad. College was a struggle, there were times all I had were multivitamins and PB&Js, and only because my mom would send me $20 here and there.
Don't get me wrong, I'm also proud of myself, and I know the boys are both their kids while I'm just my dads so of course they'll give them more, but it REALLY solidified to me who and what I was to them. So I asked my brother Jake to walk me down the aisle. John and his family know about this and 100% support me.
Hildy called me yesterday asking about the rehearsal dinner, where they'd need to be and when, and I told her they wouldn't need to be at the church or anything and could just go to the restaurant after. She was like oh well how will your dad practice walking you down the aisle? It was super awkward and I let her know Jake would be, but I was excited to see them.
A few hours later my dad came to our condo and told me how disappointed he was, he said he's been dreaming of giving me away my whole life. I was in a pretty good headspace luckily and was just like, oh I didn't know you'd want to and didn't expect you to care, trying to be nonchalant and avoid drama.
He was aggressive, though and wouldn't let it go, saying I was trying to make him look like an idiot and if Hildy hadn't asked he would have shown up thinking he'd walk me down the aisle. I asked him why he would assume that and he looked at me like I was stupid. But I wanted to hear him say it, and he finally said that any father would expect that.
I was just like, sure, but any other father PROBABLY DIDN'T ignore their daughter for the first few months of their life, have as minimal custody as possible, or have college funds for some of their kids but not others. They PROBABLY DID do things like take their daughters on vacation, attend a single father daughter event, and help them out even though they were legally 'done.'
He got mad, but honestly couldn't even argue, and just said he wasn't sure if he approved of this marriage anymore. I told him I wasn't worried about that, and the truth was that we just simply weren't very important people to one another.
He got really sad after that and left, and even though John agrees with my decisions, he said I should have given my dad the heads up about what I wanted from him at the wedding. As much as I value his opinion, I also feel like he doesn't get it.
His family loves him and would do anything for him and has, while my dad has only ever done the bare legal minimum when I needed him. I never assumed he would help me and he shouldn't assume he can play a role in my wedding.
I know I'm not the AH for having my brother walk me down the aisle, that's no debate. But was I wrong for not directly spelling out for my dad that he would be attending as a guest and only a guest?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You should've told him that walking you down the aisle was not required by the court so why would you expect him to do it.
NTA. Honestly as someone in your exact same shoes, I cut my dad off ages ago because of how absent he was. I don’t trust his judgement nor does he even know me enough to walk me down the aisle and “give me away.” Good for you for standing up for yourself.
Can't give something away that you never had...
By having you finance ask your dad's permission, you probably gave your dad the impression that he would play a "typical" dad role in your wedding. That said, bad parenting & hurt feelings aside, your dad is not entitled to any role in your life, much less walking you down the aisle. Stay strong, keep your boundaries. NTA. BTW: I am a girl dad.
odysseys_kitten (OP)
I understand what you mean. Honestly I wish I hadn’t told him to do that but my dad and I were getting along and I didn’t think it could hurt.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
Thanks for all of your comments m, I think I read all of them. It was very cathartic, and to be honest, even though it was overwhelmingly NTA, I actually started to agree with the YTA folks (who were mostly still very nice).
I should have put on my big girl pants and just told my dad he would be a guest at my wedding and nothing more, i wasn't doing anyone a favor by not being upfront. I apologized (kind of) to my fiance, he totally understood and admitted he doesn't really understand my family dynamic, which I told him I was glad for.
I mentioned in some comments, but one of my dads sons came out as trans a few years ago. I know they were hoping it was a phase, but to their credit they did let him take puberty blockers. Well its at this point not looking like a phase anymore, and I think that's where the whole 'my only daughter/ only chance' came from.
In fact, after spending time with Hildy and hearing (with horror) about the things she's done, my SIL confided in me that she's pretty sure that if he and Hildy did have a daughter, he would refuse to walk me down the aisle before he was able to do it with her.
My dad wrote me an email, I'm not going to post it because it's super lame and was just the same old song of poor him his life is so hard, he wasn't ready to be a dad, he did the best he could, he's always loved me blah blah blah no action items, no (probably false) promises to change, nothing new.
No, he didn't offer any money for the wedding, but reiterated a LOT that he's always dreamed of walking me down the aisle. He did the whole ohh I know I haven't been perfect and you deserved a better dad and how he knew he could do better with his grandkids.
I just replied that we looked forward to him being a guest at the wedding, and to remind me if they had any food allergies (unfortunately I care a lot and I know their youngest's allergies but whatever). I had already decided who'd be walking me down the aisle by then so it didn't matter.
My SIL is one of my dearest friends, and she and my fiance John have been very sweet to me about all of this. They are their parents only two kids and very close, she's the one who convinced me to date John in the first place and I can never stop thanking her.
She and my FIL always go (don't laugh) to this amatuer wrestling thing in our city whenever he's in town, drink a lot of beer, and either John or myself pick them up. It's a fun thing, and they've always done it just the two of them so I was shocked and thrilled that she invited me to go with them this past weekend.
My FIL kept bragging about his 'two' daughters and my SIL told me she's so excited to finally have a sister. I told them my new plan for the ceremony and who would be walking me down the aisle (I had already told Jakers and he approved) and even though they're pretty traditional they thought it was a great idea.
I'm excited for the future, I've worked really hard for my life, and yes I got super lucky with John and his family, and it's going to be a GREAT rest of my life, and the wedding will be a great start to it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Good for you for standing up for what you want. He doesn't deserve to walk you down the aisle. What a jerk with the poor me routine. Just go be happy. NTA. Update me.
Unfortunately I see this a lot with my friends dads, they get lost and do the bare minimum and then expect to have the title of dad at special events. It’s also when the dads get sick that they turn to the daughters they didn’t help raise to take care of them.
My parents broke up and my dad was good as a father but when he complains about child support I have to remind him that he’s literally complaining to me that he had to help raise me.
He was a weekend dad and my mom was footing the bill. I’ve had to explain to him multiple times that it’s insulting he’s complaining to me about me. He can’t see it. It’s sad but I think more mothers need to leave the kids with their dads for a year or two so single dads can learn what it’s like to be full time parents.
So happy for you that you seem to take it in stride. You're not letting hurt feelings ruin a good thing. Your dad might grow up and apologise one day, but it's good for you that you don't expect it. I wish you a perfect wedding and a happy marriage!