"AITA for not telling my ex about our child?"
I was 18 when I got pregnant with my daughter (9f). I was young and dumb I admit that. Her father and I broke up before I found out - high school sweethearts. At the time we were both figuring out college and I knew if I told him he wouldn’t go to the Ivy League school he was accepted into. So I didn’t tell him during pregnancy. He heard rumors but never asked.
When the baby was born I tried to tell him. He didn’t believe me. Blocked me on everything and I decided to provide for her without his help. I bring my daughter everywhere and this particular day we went to Target. I’m walking down the shampoo aisle with my daughter and when I looked up I saw my ex’s mom.
I have never lied to my daughter about who her father was or his parents. She has seen pictures. When she was little and asked where he was I explained college and when she got older I never painted him as the bad guy. I’ve always told her mommy made adult decisions too young.
My daughter is the spitting image of her father so there’s no denying it’s his child. Once she saw her she had a face like she knew something and asked me how old she was. She told me she had heard rumors but didn’t think they were true. Once I told her i saw her face put the connection together. I explained I wanted to contact him but didn’t have a way to. (I didn’t bother telling her I tried when she was born.)
She understood and asked if she could tell him. I said of course. Apparently he’s been living a couple hours away which is why I never ran into him and they moved a few towns over. My ex called and invited me to his parents house for dinner tomorrow with our daughter. Do I go?
His new girlfriend is blowing up my social media calling me an AH. She says I’m only telling him now so they break up and how I’m a horrible mother for not telling him sooner. As if I don’t feel bad enough my daughter has missed out this long. My daughter wants to meet her dad. She understandably has questions.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
joanclaytonesq said:
"When the baby was born I tried to tell him. He didn’t believe me. Blocked me on everything." But you did tell him. It's not your fault he refused to believe you and cut off lines of communication. Besides, you didn't seek him out 9 years later. You were shopping with your child when his mother noticed you. You're definitely NTA and the new girlfriend is way out of line for contacting you at all.
TR_Irisden said:
NTA. You did tell him and he proceeded to ghost you. I can’t blame his current girlfriend because she’s probably not getting the whole truth. Your ex is a huge AH.
kr0mb0pulos_michael said:
NTA. Your title is misleading. You absolutely told him and he refused to believe you entirely. Ignore the GF, it's not about her. Hopefully dad wants to be a part of your daughters life, and hopefully he understands that he has a commitment to her.
smokein2thedark said:
NTA. You tried to tell him and he didn't listen. He blocked you, which made you unable to communicate with him any further. You have no obligation to welcome him or his parents into your and your daughter's life now, but you can if you believe it will be good for her (and for you).
You don't have to go to dinner, and honestly if I were you I wouldn't until you've met up with and spoken to your ex without your daughter, and know exactly what he wants and expects and what role he will play in her life. His girlfriend has nothing to do with this. Block her and tell your ex you don't want her communicating with you, at least for now.
She later shared a series of updates as the situation unfolded:
I took everyone’s advice to ask my ex to meet for coffee before dinner. He said he’d be happy to get coffee tomorrow morning so we can have the adult conversations without her there. He also wanted to talk to me anyway to know what she liked so he knew what to talk to her about.
I also let him know I didn’t want to cause drama but I sent him screenshots of what his girlfriend has been saying. He let me know that’s not acceptable and he’ll be handling that immediately and I will not be hearing from her again. He also reiterated he will not be having her meet our daughter anytime soon.
I know everyone is also asking about how involved or consistent he’d like to be. When I spoke to him earlier about dinner we did speak about this. He’d like to start small and build their relationship slowly.
Starting with helping with science homework (our daughter struggles with science and he was a biology major) over FaceTime or in person depending on our daughters comfort level. I think it’s a great way to start small.
Update #2:
My ex and I met for coffee. It actually went really well. There was no big emotions; we both just talked it out. He wants to be involved with his daughters life and feels badly he’s missed out on so many years. We talked about her favorite things, favorite foods, favorite places, favorite books, and movies. I even told him some of the ways she was a lot like him growing up.
He does want to apologize to her directly when he meets her. He said he wished things had gone differently back then but we both decided we need to forgive each other to move forward for her. He asked if she had a father figure right now (a spouse of mine or current significant other) as he wanted to make sure we were on the same page when he met her and I explained that’s not the case.
He also did show me the messages where he told his parents and his girlfriend what actually happened 9 years ago. He told them I’m not completely to blame and I let him know he isn’t either. We have agreed our daughter doesn’t need to hear the whole version of events but we do owe her an apology for making really big decisions that affected her life for so long. I guess we’ll see how dinner goes.
Update on dinner:
Prior to the dinner I let my daughter know that if she wanted to leave early we could or if she felt uncomfortable at all to let me know. I also told her if she didn’t want to say anything in front of anyone (sometimes kids don’t want to hurt other peoples feelings) that if she asked me for lotion I would know that meant she wanted to leave.
On our way there she did ask if it was okay if she called him dad or if she would call him by his name and I told her that her dad and I had talked about that and she can call him whatever she’s comfortable with. We went there and it went really well. We brought some pictures of her growing up and my ex’s mom went out and bought one of our daughters favorite books for her to read so that they could talk about it.
I could tell my daughter was a little nervous at first not knowing what to expect but that very quickly changed. They had bought a small activity for them to do with her after dinner which she loved. Her dad and I also apologized to her together for making decisions that affected her life this long.
We promised her to work on making sure she had a good relationship moving forward with both of us because we know her heart is big enough for all of her family. At the end of the night my ex’s mom actually brought out a box that had all our high school memories inside. I didn’t realize she had kept any of it.
A jewelry box he bought me, a couple charms and bracelet he had bought me, pictures, his handkerchief from prom, and our old promise ring. She was really excited to see a small glimpse from our past. Her dad even told her she could have the items once she’s older which for her meant a lot (she’s a very emotional and sentimental child).
They talked about how he’s going to help her with some homework if she wants and he’s planning on moving back around here to be closer to her. He even volunteered to help with her first science fair if that was okay (which made me sad for a split second and then I remembered I’ve had 9 years of firsts with her so he can have this one).
All in all I think everything is going really well. Also apparently the girlfriend is out of the picture - I don’t know the details but I know she said some things when he confronted her about the messages she sent me and it got ugly fast. On the way home she was so excited she couldn’t stop talking about dad and grandma and grandpa. It made my heart happy she had so much fun.
I know some people were asking about child support. Him and I had a conversation around it while she was spending a few minutes with her grandparents. He volunteered to pay child support. I’ve been paying for her things on my own for so long that I told him I think it would be more beneficial for him to help me with things going forward and to contribute the rest to her college fund.
That way the money is going into her future. I do have an appointment set up with her therapist tomorrow just so she can talk to her about it and everything. Dad is also going to start occasionally going to therapy with her too. I do it periodically as well so we thought it would be beneficial.
Final update:
For everyone asking for updates our daughters first day of school is coming up. Dad and grandparents are coming to my house on her first day of school for pictures. She called and asked them to come and no one hesitated to take the morning off of work.
More responses from OP in the comments:
"He’s moving back home to be closer to her and he’s trying. I can’t ask for more than that."
"She’s living her best life right now. Which I’m super happy about. Dad has been calling every day and they talk which has been great for her."
"His parents are just so happy to finally be a part of her life"