'AITA for not telling my ex before I told my children that he's not really their dad?'
"AITA for not telling my ex before I told my children that he's not really their dad?"
I (33F) have twins (14M+F). I wasn't the best person at 19 when I got pregnant and neither was my twins dad who has never been in their life and has had problems with drugs/jail.
I was with my Ex for 6 years from when the twins were 2 to 8. They were always under the impression that he was their actual dad. And when we split up he stayed in their lives in that they would have sleepovers at his and he would take them on days out.
When the twins were 10, my ex got a job in the US. It's not like he's particularly close with them anymore. They'll message occasionally and have video calls with each other on birthdays, Father's Day, Christmas and other big events. And when he comes over to the UK once or twice a year (for the rest of his family), he'll spend time with them. But its not like he contributes any money in raising them.
Around 6 months ago, the twins dad reached out telling me he'd like to be in the twins lives and how he's reformed with a partner now and has 2 kids under the age of 5.
I got in touch with my ex and told him the situation and he absolutely objected to telling the twins the truth saying that their dad would be a bad influence on the twins, so I dropped it.
The twins dad kept persisting and one of my twins started to mention that they would quite like to go to university in the US and could live with their "dad" while there. So last week, I sat both the twins down and told them the truth.
They obviously got in touch with my ex and let him know that they knew the truth. My ex then bombarded me with a load of abusive text messages and voice notes swearing saying "How dare you" and "Who do you think you are". "How could you do this without telling me first?" and how he should've been the one to tell them.
He also started going on about how I've ruined his and the kids relationship for a deadbeat. But I know for a fact he would've objected and never told them. It was easier this way for everyone. So, am I the AH?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
INFO: You say this way was “easiest” for everyone, but…who was it easiest for? In what way was the easiest? Why did you decide to spring all this on them in retaliation to one twin wanting to live in the US and live with their dad?
It really comes across as you wanting to shatter that image more than anything, which I can’t understand why because…your ex is their dad, has been their dad, and doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong to warrant you wanting to tear him down.
This is a delicate matter. I don’t know if your ex was right to vetoing it, but I think he was right to have reservations. This deserved several more adult conversations between the two of you, and more thought about what’s actually best for the kids right now.
He is her ex, not their father. He makes no financial contribution to raising them. Has no legal standing. If she doesn’t tell them now, WHEN would she tell them?
Doesn't sound like bio dad made any financial contribution to raising them. A sperm contribution seems to be all he did.
So let me get this straight…you casually dropped the bomb to teenagers that the guy they thought was their father wasn’t. And you did this without talking to him first, without even a heads up.
You have replaced a man who was a positive and present dad with an MIA deadbeat who you are now calling the “twin’s dad” (hint: ‘dad’ is a term that is earned, and he hasn’t, he is at this point a sperm donor). And you did this because you, what, didn’t approve of their fleeting (they’re 14) idea to go to school in the US? And you’re asking if YTA? Um, yes, YTA, big time.
YTA. "But I know for a fact he would've objected and never told them. It was easier this way for everyone." It was easier for you, certainly not for the man who stepped up for your family for over a decade... what about the kids?
Certainly if both of you were thete are picked the right time to tell the kids that'd be best. You must Certainly realize now what an existential crisis of identity and family this has caused them by now. Y T A !
YTA. I think you handled this really badly. This is something you should have jointly done with your kids "father" ie the person that they love as a father. From your post you say you only tried once to talk to your ex about this and dropped it. Once was not enough.
YTA- It seems like you did it out of spite! You don't want one child to leave your country for college, so you just drop that on them? Without even a warning to the man that actually raised them? You're a piece of work. You should he ashamed on how you went about all of it.
YTA. You were right to tell your kids. And you didn't need your ex's permission. But you should have either let him know that you were going to tell the kids, or (alternately) that you just did tell them. He should have had a heads-up before hearing it from the kids.
YTA. They were under the impression that he was their dad? Hmmm, I wonder why considering you went along with it. Now, real daddy is back and you don’t need ex now. That’s cold. He should’ve had a chance to be present (via Zoom) for this conversation.