"AITA for not telling my ex his passport was revoked?"
My ex and I have been divorced for 2 years. We have 2 kids (8m, 5f). Everything was great until our daughter was born, and then it’s like a switch flipped and he was a completely different person. I held out for as long as I could, but when he began an affair, I filed for divorce.
He fought me every step and it took over a year to finalize. During the divorce I was awarded primary custody. He was ordered to pay support, which he has never done. I don't need it, but it would be nice to have it to save for the kids, so I did sign up for enforcement.
I don’t badger him about it - I know to him it’s a way to try to get me to talk to him, I just let enforcement do their thing. Since he’s so far behind, they have suspended just about everything they can. They send notices to him when this happens, but I’m sure he doesn’t open them.
I am a 1st gen American and most of my extended family still lives abroad. My grandmother recently passed away earlier this year and I decided I wanted to visit my family with my kids and see her resting place. Ex and I had some back and forth because I need permission from him to leave the country.
He agreed but made a point to tell me that he feels now is a good time to take a vacation and that he was always planning to visit my family’s country. I was already anticipating this because following us is something he does EVERY time I take the kids on a trip.
My lawyer drafted a document to be signed and notarized that I was being given permission to take our kids out of the country for the specific dates. She also included a clause that he has up until 72 hours prior to the day of travel to revoke his permission. He agreed.
The day arrives for us to leave, and I get to the airport with the kids 3 hours before our flight. Things go smoothly and I take the kids to a diner to grab some breakfast. Ex arrives much later, and as we’re finishing up I get a call from him.
Turns out his passport was revoked due to lack of CS payment. He was denied at check in and there’s no way he can get his passport reinstated without paying his arrears in full.
He said that since he can’t go, he no longer gives me permission to take them. I reminded him that we are past the 72 hrs for him to deny my travel request. He said that he was going to inform an officer that I was trying to kidnap his children.
I told him to do whatever he felt was necessary. Officers did show up at the gate to figure out what was going on - but I had the notarized agreement with me, so they sent us on our way. He kept spamming my phone non stop until we got on the plane, where I was able to turn it off and get some peace for the flight.
While we were in the air he called my brother to complain (we met through him and they’re still friends) and I have now been given an earful about how cruel it was for me to continue with the trip knowing he wouldn’t be able to follow us.
And that I didn’t tell him on purpose. My mother told him to stay out of it and that it’s no longer my responsibility to remind him to open his mail - but some extended family agree with my brother.
I don’t think I’m the AH for continuing our trip; but I am questioning whether I’m an AH for not giving him a heads up that he should check his passport. I didn’t know it was revoked for sure, but I suspected. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, he's just mad that he didn't get his way. He's definitely never going to allow you to take another trip with the kids without him following though. You may even need to go back to court to get him to stop and to establish a pattern of behavior
Luckily I just need permission for international travel, so we can still go on trips within the US. But yeah, I’m sure I’ll never get his agreement again and I’ll have to apply for a court order the next time I want to visit my family with the kids.
I would go back to court and amend the agreement to allow international travel once a year or every other year so you can see family.
I would love to see him go to court to fight that since he has no intention of paying support.
This is a good idea!
NTA. You and your lawyer played this well. You're using these antics to revisit custody arrangements, yes? He made a false police report, is in arrears on child support, has been harassing you, he's showing himself to be a danger.
SweetAdventurous8418 (OP)
He already doesn’t see them terribly often. He has every other weekend and every Wednesday night. But I did make sure to not block him or anything so that 1) he can’t try to claim I was keeping the kids from being able to contact him and 2) I could keep texts and voicemails with the name calling and the threats that he was going to file for full custody and make it so I never see our kids again.
You should use the court recommended co-parenting app for all communication if you find him too annoying
I’m surprised his drivers license hasn’t been revoked too but maybe that depends on the state. In North Carolina you lose it after not paying for 6-12 months and will get arrested at some point
His license is suspended, but we live in a city with really good public transportation that he uses most of the time so it’s not a huge deal to him. But I’m sure it wouldn’t stop him from driving with it the way it is anyways.
Not the AH, he's just mad that he didn't get his way. He's definitely never going to allow you to take another trip with the kids without him following though. You may even need to go back to court to get him to stop and to establish a pattern of behavior.
Why is your brother encouraging your ex to stalk you?
This is my question. Why was he ok with the ex following OP to visit her family? Ex is no longer part of her family. Even if he did want to go to the same place on vacation, he doesn't need to time his trip with hers. Its creepy that she can't go anywhere with out him going too.
Tell the flying monkeys including your brother to F off. They have no issue with him not paying child support, or putting yout through a rough divorce over him cheating BUT they villainize you for not telling him his passport may or may not be valid?!?
NTA. It is not your responsibility to keep track of his passport. He would have received official communication of some sort advising of the block on his passport. Disregarding his mail is 100% on him.
Furthermore, if he had actually bothered to pay even some of the child support, his passport wouldn’t even be suspended. You have to be significantly in arrears for it to get to that point!
Oh yeah he is tens of thousands in arrears because he hasn’t made a single payment. I’ve gotten a few hundred dollars from a tax refund that was automatically taken from him - but that’s it’s.
After reading the comments OP came back with these edits:
Edit to add because I keep seeing this and I can’t keep up with the comments! He can absolutely afford CS. He is self-employed (hence no garnishment unfortunately), but does well. Him not paying is solely a control tactic. He was NOT happy about the divorce.
Now he does whatever he thinks will “punish” me for going through with it. That includes purposely withholding support. However, I make decent money (enough to pay bills, put a little savings away for the kids, and take them to do fun stuff a couple times a year) - so it really doesn’t affect me.
He knows that the money would go right to the kids savings accounts, but expects me to beg him for it. Eventually it will catch up to him and he’ll have to pay it some way or other, it’s just him prolonging the inevitable and making things more difficult for himself.
Also, I don’t know why this isn’t clear (at least for 1 person that keeps falsely stating it over and over on different comments), but we were NOT going on vacation together. At all. Nothing was planned together. This was solely a trip for me and the kids. The document stated it was for me and the kids and that I would be taking full responsibility for them.
It was not and never was a “WE” are taking the kids on vacation, that was made extremely clear to him and he understood. So him being unable to leave the country for HIS vacation, had absolutely no bearing on OUR trip as they were two distinctly separate travel arrangements.