"AITA for not telling my family about my sister’s secrets?"
I (27F) just got caught in the middle of some family drama, and I don’t know if I handled it right. A little backstory, my oldest sister (33F) got married at 19 to a 25M. They were married after that for about 10 years, had 2 kids, and then had a very messy and very public divorce.
After that, she got with a younger guy (21M at the time), things blew up with the family, and she basically cut contact with all of us. Fast forward, she’s now 33 with someone new 31M. They have been engaged for a while and she’s now raising 3 kids plus his older child.
Her relationship is still pretty strained as she stopped coming to family gatherings. Anyways, her and this new fella were planning their wedding in May, but when she found out she was pregnant, she and her fiancé decided to just elope at the courthouse.
Here’s where I come in. Me and my sister weren’t even speaking until recently. I’ve been struggling with a move and a miserable new job, and when I confided in my mother (58F), she just tore me down and made me feel worse. Told me I didn’t think any of this through before moving and that it was all a mistake.
After the phone call it clicked why my sister had distanced herself all these years. I’ve been doing a lot of healing and growing since being away from my family and it made realize how harsh our mom was growing up and still is.
Especially seeing how my bfs mom interacts with me, made me quickly realize how my relationship with my mother is complicated. My mom always told us growing up she would give us her opinion whether we like it or not, she will always be truthful.
Our mom though has had a habitat of just making us feel awful instead of supported in anything her opinion doesn’t align with. So after processing all that I called my sister, we reconnected, and I confided in her about my resignation. She, in turn, trusted me with her secret the elopement and pregnancy. She asked me not to tell anyone, and I agreed.
Today the news broke to the family. I didn’t lie when they asked me, I admitted that my sister FaceTimed me this morning and told me, but I said it wasn’t my place to share and that she should be the one to say it. I did not mention the pregnancy, because again, not my story to tell. Well, my middle sister (29F) and my mom were mad that I kept it from them.
Things ended awkwardly, and then my middle sister called me later to say our mom told her: “Well I guess I’m just the villain,” complaining that neither me nor my oldest sister really talk to her anymore and are now keeping secrets. My middle sister said she was very upset and sounded like she was gonna cry.
So now I’m stuck wondering, AITA for not telling my family about my sister’s elopement, when she specifically asked me not to? On one hand, I feel like I honored my sister’s trust and did the right thing. On the other, my mom and middle sister clearly feel betrayed, and now there’s more tension in the family. So AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You knew this wasn't your story to tell, and you rightly believed that your sister should be the one to share her own life events, on her own terms. You did the right thing by honoring her trust and the fact that your mother is trying to make herself the victim in this situation confirms that you made the right call.
It’s true that it’s not your story to tell! Don’t allow your mom and sister make you feel guilty for not breaking a trust you’ve developed with your other sister . NTA.
You honored your sister's trust-that's the right call. Family curiosity doesn't trump someone else's privacy, especially with sensitive stuff like pregnancy and elopement. Your mom and middle sister can be upset all they want, but that doesn't make you wrong.
Would you have been ok if someone you confided in and shared Intimate details of your life with, went behind your back and told everyone everything they specifically asked you not to repeat?
NTA. Not your story to tell. Go back and read what you just wrote regarding your epiphany that led to distancing yourself from your mom. Now note that she is trying to rein you back in with this disconnected blame game. She can’t get to older sister, so she will try you.
Find your backbone again and step away from the drama. In addition, recognize that middle sis is on the road to becoming mom’s clone. Unless and until she also quits drinking the kool aid, she will need to be kept at a distance. She is not to be trusted.
NTA - Imagine the fallout if you had told? Your mom sounds like she’s a bit controlling and likes to upset people. It’s not your story to tell. Full stop. If other people don’t understand, that’s is their problem. Just remain friendly but maintain your distance and keep working on yourself.
The time will come when you’ll need the inner strength to deal with issues and you’ll have it! Seek counseling for additional support. Don’t confide too much in either sister about the family situation or about any issue you’d like to keep private. Keep moving forward! Good luck.
Just because your mother is your mother doesn't mean you have to tell her everything. You're allowed to have secrets with your sisters. Your friends, your partners, anybody you allow to.
Your mom has some issues that you probably are correct that you need to take a step back to protect yourself. And no, it's not your business to tell other people.'s secrets that would make you in the wrong if you did. The only reason you should tell other people's secrets is if it's going to harm them.
Then you only tell to save them. Other than that, it's none of anybody else's business. My suggestion get some healthy counseling done. So that, you know how to respond with your mother.