fiancé (23m) and I (21f) are currently unable to resolve this issue. We currently live medium distance and only see each other once a week. Recently my best friends/roommate’s have moved out leaving me alone.
One moved to the other side of the country for grad school, and the other moved in with her bf. My other friends also go to school in a different state or live an hour away so I’ve been pretty isolated and craving socialization.
I have a few other friends (we can call them John and Dan) (22m) in town who I’m not as close to but have been hanging out with more now that everyone else has moved away. My fiancé has met them before and got along. There was not tension, jealousy, or mistrust until now….
This week I was invited out to watch the football game out at the bars with John and Dan. I was so excited I hadn’t spent time with friends or left my apartment for reasons other than work in 2 weeks. I told my fiancé we were going out and he started getting quiet. Responding to my messages slower and send one word.
I asked him several times if there was an issue and he denied it every time. So I carried on. Because we were drinking we called for a ride back to John’s house and decided it would be safest to stay the night.
We stayed up til 4 am playing board games with Dan John and John’s sister. Then turning in for the night. I slept in the guest bedroom. Before falling asleep I texted my fiancé telling him that we should get the same pillows as the one I was sleeping with because they were sooooo comfy.
When I woke up fiancé had responded and said “why did you spend the night that’s weird” I explained to him that we had been drinking and told him I had my own private room. But still he was upset and went as far to say I should not be drinking because it leads to bad things like this.
I was so confused because I have never done anything distasteful while drunk. And going out with our friends had never been an issue before now. I know he is getting a lot of pressure from his parents (who don’t drink) about wedding planning and them not wanting alcohol at our wedding, so idk if that’s contributing to this blow up or what.
What bothers me most is his accusatory words saying “I’m doing wrong things” and I have “no common sense” he even said something about how I need to ask him next time. I told him absolutely not. And asked why he doesn’t trust me. He had no answer.
I asked him to speak nicer and talk about what he was feeling and why so we could resolve the issue but he has continued to ignore that and keeps telling me “if you didn’t act that way I wouldn’t speak to you this way.”
He clearly has no remorse for the hurtful things he is saying and refuses to see my side. I don’t know if I’m completely missing something and I should’ve done something differently last night. Any thoughts or help would be appreciated.
EDIT : I completely understand that it made him uncomfortable and told him I would be willing to talk to him and come up with a solution so it doesn’t happen in the future or find an alternative he would be comfortable with. I’m more upset with how he is speaking to me regarding the issue. I feel like he is just putting me down and is not trying to actually resolve the issue.
EDIT 2 : I should clarify a few things I didn’t think to mention when originally writing this. The bar we were at was on the other side of town from where we live and it has been snowing pretty hard.
So when our driver picked us up and said that the roads were slick, we thought it would be best to go to John’s families house because it was only a few minutes away from the bar we were at. So his sister, mother and father were all also there.
My fiancé and I have been together for five years. Our whole relationship hasn’t been medium distance. I’m pretty familiar with his friend group back home but there are a few girls that hangout with them occasionally and I have only met a few times. There have been a couple nights where they have all stayed at ok one of the guys houses when drinking and I had no issue with it.
NTA… assuming, of course, you would have zero issue with him staying overnight, having been drinking, at the house of one of his close female friends…
NoRegret6013 (OP)
He has girls that hangout with his group of friends and he has spent the night in the same house (different room) just like this and I had no problem with it as I trust him and we have never had an issue before.
Not sure if you’re an AH or not. But I certainly wouldn’t want my finance to be going out with men drinking and then sleeping over at their houses. I find that inappropriate.
I honestly don’t understand all the YTA comments. Your partner was being passive aggressive even before you texted him about the pillows. You stated in one of your comments your fiancé has slept over at his friends of the opposite genders house overnight with no issue.
Your fiancé is allowed to feel uncomfortable but the way he is speaking to you is unacceptable and hypocritical. I think there’s some bigger issues here that you two should sort out before you get married. Also maybe you should add to your post that your fiancé has slept over at women’s houses and you found no issue with it.
Look, there are multiple issues here. The two of you have a difference in boundaries for friends that was not previously discussed. That may or may not prove to be an incompatibility. That’s issue number one. That’s also the part he is, somewhat understandably, reacting to. However the way he reacted is a problem.
To put it plainer, issue number two is the way this was discussed and addressed. Which is the part you’re, understandably, reacting to. Issue number three is the lack of trust on both sides. Yes, I really wrote both sides.