'AITA for not telling my fiance what I used to do for work before we met?' UPDATED
"AITA for not telling my fiance I used to work as an escort?"
I (35F) just got engaged. I've been with him for two years and he's amazing and think he'd be a great father to my children. There is however a secret I haven't revealed. About three years ago before I met him I briefly worked as an escort. It wasn't long (about 4 months) and I don't have some sob story about how I felt abused and exploited because frankly I didn't.
Like any job it had its good and bad parts. I don't have some dramatic story about escaping it, I stopped simply because I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't require therapy or rehab, I just moved on and got a normal job.
I have been regularly tested and have no STIs, nor so I have any emotional scars from it, so I told myself it's now no one else's business because it won't impact any other relationships. However it feels wrong I can't share this.
He once asked how many intimate partners I had and I simply said "a lot" and told him technically the truth: that I was prolific at one point in my life but no longer am and don't intend to do so. I'm still scared to potentially ruin a great thing if I reveal it but I'm also not looking forward to keeping this a secret for life. AITA for keeping it secret?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Phy44 said:
There was a guy on here a week or two ago who found out his wife was an escort at some point and thought it made her damaged and a bunch of other nonsense and he was ready to leave her. You'd be better off telling him now and not 15 years from now he finds out and takes it really badly. YTA, technically
happy4me5347 said:
If it's no big deal, why do you feel the need to hide it? YTA
avast2006 said:
YTA - If you honestly believe that knowing this about you would cause him to end the relationship, then you are marrying him under false pretenses. The element of fraud in that makes you the @$$hole.
If you want to also consider whether him dropping you over it makes him an @$$hole too, i would have to say no: being a professional escort is rather more extreme than simply having an active intimate life, and being unable to get past it is, while not saintly of him, at least understandable. It’s also no way to live, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
TheLightKyanite said:
Yes, YTA. I would want to know if someone I love was an escort. That’s a deal breaker for a lot of people. Are you kidding me? Tell him right now. If he doesn’t want you as a fiancée anymore, that’s on you.
She later shared this update on the situation:
So I thought of what everyone said and considered both sides. I decided that I didn't want this hanging over my head in our marriage. So it was tough, but shortly afterwards one night I had a few glasses of wine and told him I had something I needed to talk about.
I had considered seducing him, being physical, and then telling him so I could at least do it one last time but decided that would be manipulative and dishonest. So I sat down and told him: When I said I had "a lot" of intimate partners it was over a stint of about 4 months as an escort.
He was taken back a bit and said "That's not something I'd expect." I figured no one would, I dress modestly, I'm pretty conservative with drinking and I volunteer with the kids programs at my church.
I had tears in my eyes and asked him if his opinion of me had changed. He said "Well what you did didn't stop you from being the woman I fell in love with so why should it?" I started crying more...tears of joy.
I begged him to let me know if he had any apprehensions or questions or if it'd come between us in any way. He said he might have questions about any cool or sexy stories sometime but for now no.
He even made a quip about "No wonder you blow my mind in bed, you were a professional!" Not really the type of joke I'd normally appreciate but in that time it was perfect. And we ended up going to the bedroom not too much later.
So now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I know just how much my fiancee loves me and what he's willing to tolerate in me. It's wonderful! We're both in lockdown basically now, both working from home and I'm so thankful to be able to be with a wonderful and amazing man who I love so much and who loves me so much. Thanks to everyone!