'AITA for not telling my girlfriend about my daughter's phobia?' 'She won't even take baths.'

"AITA for not telling my girlfriend about my daughter's phobia?"

I (m50) have been dating my girlfriend we’ll call Sarah (f45) for a little over a year. I have 2 kids a daughter (16) and a son (13). When my daughter was 4 she almost drowned during swim lessons and has sense had a extreme phobia of water. It's bad to the point she won't even take baths only showers.

My son knows how to swim, and is a good swimmer. But my daughter being the older sister is protective of her younger brother even when it comes to swimming/the water.

Sarah’s parents have a Pool at there house. Today, we were going over for a pool party to celebrate one of Sarah’s nephew's birthday who has become good friends with my son. I told my daughter multiple times she didn't have to go, that Ill check in with her and she can just relax at home or hang out with friends.

She insisted she went to the pool party. My daughter always tends to get on edge and even a little irritable when near water. Today was no different, to anybody who didn't know she would have seemed like a moody teenager bossing her brother around.

Sarah started getting on my daughter for bossing her brother around. Eventually my daughter got irritated and loudly yelled at her I don't want my brother to drown. She then ran out crying. Sarah looked at me so confused, I quietly explained my daughter’s experience at 4 and that she has a phobia of water.

Sarah got really mad at me for not telling her. I explained that it is not something my daughter is proud of that she can't swim and has a fear of water and that I'm not going to be telling everyone because it's not my place. My daughter is old enough to explain that to people if she wants to.

Sarah ended up calling me a horrible dad and a AH for not explaining that and letting people think my daughter is just a moody teen. I ended up just leaving and taking my kids home, we haven't talked sense and Sarah told me to leave her alone for a few days.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

lalalajdbfhe said:

YTA for 1) allowing ur daughter to force her way to a pool party where u knew this would happen 2) claiming “I don’t need to tell everyone” yet allowing her to attend ur gf’s pool party while withholding this info from someone u have been dating for a year 3) not putting ur daughter in therapy.

Also, how does your 13 year old “excellent swimmer” feel about ur daughter constantly projecting and “bossing him around”? I’d be irritated af if my parents didn’t step up and deal with my sister who is constantly shouting over me.

ALSO, if that was my house and someone brought a moody teenager who kept yelling at her sibling and ruining the mood, I would ask them not bring the teenager over to my pool party again.

Vibin0212 said:

You're doing a disservice to your daughter. Her phobia isn't an excuse to be moody/irritable to those around her, along with being bossy, and deciding for her brother what he does in a pool. Speaking to a professional over her fear of water may be beneficial for her, and I suggest you look into it if you have not already.

With the question on hand, I do feel as if you set up your girlfriend to fail. You knew that this situation would be stressful for your daughter, and have the potential of her 'acting out'; it would have been a more than helpful heads up to your girlfriend so that the tension wouldn't escalate and problems wouldn't have arose the way they did. YTA.

lame_narcissist said:

YTA, for sure. Your daughter, a teenager, is still very much your responsibility and therefore you're in charge of keeping her safe. If you do not disclose this information with the people you keep around her, something can happen.

How do you think Sarah would feel if there had been an accident due to her ignorance of the phobia? She's your partner! Who will, presumably, spend a lot of time with your kids. Also, have you taken your daughter to therapy to process her trauma? If not, that makes you an even bigger AH.

Aussiealterego said:

YTA. You set your gf up to fail, and worse, you set your daughter up to fail. You put your daughter in a situation which you KNEW was going to be high stress, you haven’t helped her develop coping mechanisms for it, and you didn’t prepare your gf (who has an unwritten duty of care to kids around water)...

To deal with your daughter’s very predictable meltdown. You owe both of them an apology, and if your daughter hasn’t had counselling for this, get her some.

IcePrincess_Not_Sk8r said:

YTA - Your daughter might be embarrassed by this, but your gf inadvertently made a tense situation worse because you failed to give her a pretty important piece of information when they're literally hosting a pool party...

Now your gf is feeling guilty for how she acted towards your daughter, and how your daughter responded due to information she should have had when inviting people TO A POOL PARTY...

redd-junkie said:

YTA dude. You knew enough to second guess your daughter's decision to go and set your girlfriend up for failure when you didn't step in when the irrational behavior from your daughter started to happen.

You are sitting there watching this dumpster fire happen and you are waiting on your daughter, who is in panic mode, to explain the situation to your girlfriend. Come on guy. This situation required an adult and you failed.