'AITA for not telling my girlfriend about my savings?' '$30,000 can be gone in the blink of an eye.'
"AITA for not telling my girlfriend about my savings?"
I 20M have been working since I was 14. I grew up very poor and watched my dad work two jobs to make ends meet. My first job was at Publix working 15-20 maybe 25 hours a week but my dad made sure I saved all my money unless I wanted a new video game or a pair of shoes but he still wouldn’t let me splurge like I wanted. He paid for all my food and phone bill until he passed away when I was 16.
I started working at a restaurant and the manager gave me a lot of hours. I’d clock in at 9 am as a prep cook and then clock in at 4 pm as a busser. I wouldn’t clock out until like 11-12 pm. I was making at least 800 a week during the summer as a 16 year old. It was great. I saved up about 3,000 dollars that whole summer.
Then when I’d leave school I’d clock in from 4 pm to 10 pm and work the rest of my shift under the table. I saved up at least 5,000 dollars through the whole school year. I was always very frugal with my money and never cared for the nicer clothes. I still dress nice but no desire to wear designer clothes. Well now that I work full time for the past 2-3 years I have roughly $30,000 more or less.
I started dating my girlfriend two years ago and I always say I’m broke when I have less than $500 in my checking account. I’m not necessarily saving up for anything because I live with my sister and she doesn’t make me pay any bills except for the light bill/my phone plan and the stuff that I want.
My girlfriend doesn’t have as good as money management as I do. Whenever she gets sad she likes to “retail therapy.” I’ve never understood why but her parents spoiled her growing up so I figure that plays a part but oh well everyone has their own ways of dealing with sadness and that’s hers.
Well she was asking if I could send her like $200-300 bucks for something (won’t disclose what) and I told her to send it to her through my bank. I didn’t think she’d go through my whole bank app and click on my savings but she saw I had $2,500 in my checking and went to my savings.
She came to me and showed me my phone and was like “We’re rich!! You must’ve been selling drugs or something haha.” I did find it funny but I tried to tell her easy that we’re not spending that. And she then thought about it and looked the transactions over the years and added it all up and was like you never mentioned anything about this account. I said “because that money isn’t wealth. It’s a savings in case anything bad happens."
Now I will say I’m not stingy with my money, I just don’t spend money on things I don’t need. I still take my girlfriend out to eat every week and buy her flowers. I make sure she feels her worth which is more than that money I have saved. We just look at money differently. If anything were to ever happen to her I’d obviously care for her and take money out of the account for her.
But she started talking about how she doesn’t need to work if I have that type of money. I explained that money isn’t wealth once again and $30,000 can be gone in the blink of an eye. She wasn’t having it. I told her we can start a savings account together that’ll strictly be for trips, activities, etc.
She said I already have the money for that. I responded this is why I didn’t mention the money to you because you’d want to spend it all in a matter of a month. She broke down crying saying I didn’t trust her and I don’t love her.
I plan on marrying this woman and love her to death but I don’t want to jeopardize something I worked years on to save and be comfortable financially. I don’t use credit cards or anything yet and I am in no debt. I do see where she’s coming from and I could see where I’m in the wrong by not disclosing this with her but I knew I’d have start from ground zero again.
EDIT:
People commenting saying I should offer rent to my sister because of the money I have saved up. I agree but she won’t let me pay rent. Her and husband are well off due to him being a VP at a welding company with government contracts and my sister is retired military working as a chairwoman of her charity.
They don’t want me to pay rent and focus on my future. Also to the comments questioning why I have only 30k saved up. I pay for most of my big purchases out right as I don’t like acquiring debt.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Emotional-Pilot-4811 said:
NTA. First, as of now, she is your girlfriend, not your wife. Your financial situation is yours only. She shouldn’t have gone through your banking information without your permission - she is the one who broke the trust.
Secondly, your smart money decisions and hard work are what got you to $30K to begin with. It seems that you two are not aligned on how to spend and save money. This can become a huge issue in marriage. Many people divorce over money spending habits.
I’m a little concerned that she is already saying that she doesn’t need to work based off your $30k of savings, especially with her spending habits. Before committing to marriage, I recommend you both attend a meeting with a financial advisor. You two definitely need to align on this before a ring is on her finger.
stillregrettingthis said:
NTA - I am sorry but with time I think you are going to realize that you are worlds ahead of this girl. If you share this money and change your plans with her you will regret it your entire life. and If she cant accept that your hard earned money is yours and your futures then what bigger red flag is there.
Do not ignore reality. This is an opportunity to see what type of person and partner she is...Try have an adult discussion with her and reason with her and see what type of life partner she really is. Good luck.
Burgers4breakfast1 said:
NTA If she thinks that $30k makes you rich that is a red flag. Good for you for working hard and saving a nest egg. Please don’t let her blow the whole thing on disposable crap.
Realistic_While5741 said:
NTA but your girlfriend is. Huge red flag when she said "we're" rich. That's your money and in no way is 30k rich. She is immature and uneducated on money management. Teach/help her with her finances for 6 months to a year. If she follows whatever plan you both decided on at the beginning, great.
If not, your best option is to leave. I was married to a man that couldn't keep a dime in his pocket. He ruined my credit by forcing me to bail him out for years. His credit score was under 400 at the age of 50!
Embersmom83 said:
NTA - you bank accounts are none of her business whatsoever. You saved that money and are still saving. Your financial situation is not her business. There is no reason whatsoever that you should or would disclose this information to her. You aren't married or even engaged.
You need to tell her that this is your money and she isn't allowed to spend it. If she doesn't want to save money, that's on her. Sounds like she needs to grow up and learn the value of a dollar. Don't let her guilt you into spending money that you worked so hard for.
BlueGreen_1956 said:
NTA. How much money you have is none of her business. You say you are planning on marrying her? And you still plan on it after she waved a huge financial red flag in your face? No, Dude. Don't do it. One month after the wedding, any savings you have will evaporate.
UPDATE:
On a different note I will be taking my girlfriend out to eat on Saturday per her request as she wants to talk about everything that transpired so will update most likely on Sunday or Monday! Thank you everyone for your advice, it’s greatly appreciated and I will be taking it all into consideration.