'AITA for not telling my husband that I know he has been cheating on me for 15 years?'
"AITA for not telling my husband that I know he has been cheating on me for 15 years?"
Due-Palpitation-
My husband and I have been together since we were 19. We are 45 now. I found out that he was cheating 15 years ago. I didn’t know what to do. Our children were little and I was pregnant.
I just finished my studies and started my career and I needed him then more than ever. I loved him too (still do). Excuses, excuses, I know. I felt so much shame, like I was a failure as a woman and I was too embarrassed to tell anybody about my failure so I kept it to myself.
I made a 5 year plan to leave the marriage and it helped me to cope with my abysmal existence. Have a solid future, good career and my children to be a bit older so decided not to tell him I knew because if I told him then he would know that I don’t have any dignity and I couldn’t live with that.
My plan helped me to make my situation tolerable. Then I started adding one more year until I realized that I was actually pretty happy and satisfied in my life. And here we are now up until two months ago.
Of course nothing lasts forever. His sister asked me to meet and then she told me. Now it was out there in the open. She said that he was cheating on me. I told her that I knew since 15 years ago.
Of course she was shocked and she apologized (like it was her fault). When I got home he was waiting. He was shocked and had me talking for at least two hours. Since then he has been very down and distracted.
He finally got diagnosed with depression and is on sick leave. He apologized and I accepted it but it made it worse somehow and now it feels like I have done something wrong?
We haven’t told the children yet but I suppose that now others know it is just a matter of time. They should hear it from us. What should we tell them? That I didn’t know and act surprised? Explain everything? What kind of a message would that send them?
It worked for me, yes, but at what cost and would it work for everyone? Not everyone can achieve contentment choosing the wrong path and I had to work on myself for years and get help from therapists to be content. Doesn’t that make me a hypocrite at least?
Besides, I admit that I have wondered what would become of us once the children are old and moved out and it’s just us two left in the house but I let future us decide that.
I trusted future me to decide what’s best for me but I am not sure anymore. Thank you for letting me talk. Please don’t be too judgmental because you won’t judge me as much as I already have.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NanaLeonie
No judgement from me, OP. You made the same choice many women have made over the years. Apparently your husband was discrete if his sister only recently learned about it.
Forgive me if I feel a little schadenfreude that your cheating husband is depressed because you aren’t devastated and begging him to stop cheating. Living well as the best revenge comes in different packages.
WinterFront1431
Yup, he probably thought he was the man and he had a stupid wife at home. Now he knows she doesn't give two rats bollocks about him, that's why he is sad. Tell your children OP, and now it's in the open, it's time to leave.
Elesia
It's not that she "doesn't care." If she didn't care, that would justify his cheating in his mind. "Of course I had to step out, she wasn't giving me affection." This is oh so much worse. She sees him.
She has known for 15 years that he is weak, and lazy, and greedy, and he had absolutely no idea. His great passions and grand secrets, his spylike "OpSec," all of it was a child's game that she was benevolently tolerating for reasons he was not intellectually capable of considering.
He's not ashamed or depressed that he's caught. He's ashamed and depressed that while he's been playing checkers, his wife has been playing 3D chess and winning and it burns him to the core.
He's going to leave her. His entire personality is built on an illusion of superiority over his wife. Now that he knows he doesn't have it and never did, he's going to need to find a weaker, more gullible partner to backfill his hollow persona. OP, I think you had better dust off that exit plan. You're still gonna need it.
Live-Aspect-9394
NTA stop feeling guilty. You decided to live with it. It’s not your fault he is feeling guilty now. I wonder if the Affair partner is threatening him with exposure. Let him be guilty.
The OP responded here:
Due-Palpitation-
What do you mean? I don’t think a woman told his sister. He got a text while he was at his sisters house and she read it.
Jonyodisa
NTA. You are not an ah, you just did what you felt was best to cope with a crappy situation. Do I think you should have left him long ago? Heck yes. Do I think you are an ah? Not really, you could have confronted him earlier and left as he deserved, but you were comfortable, so it's fine.
Please remember he is the one in the wrong since he is the one who cheated, you were just coping the best way you could to have a good life for yourself. Best wishes, and good luck, you deserve better. And he deserves to feel bad about what he did. Tell him to grow up and get over himself, he made his bed, now he has to lie in it and accept the consequences of his actions.
sarithlekitt
NTA. You chose to hold your family together through feigned ignorance over your own feelings of betrayal. And eventually came to accept the situation. This may not have been the best choice, but it was YOUR choice, and you should not allow guilt caused by HIS indiscretion to rob you of your agency.
The fact it's all finally out in the open is for the best, and will allow you to move on, and heal, in whatever manner you decide. But don't apologize for turning a blind eye. You had valid reasons for doing so. The only AH here is your husband.