'AITA for not telling my family about my pregnancy?' + MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for not telling my family about my pregnancy?"

I (40F) just recently found out that I am pregnant. Like... 8 months pregnant at this point. My fiancé (40M) and I weren't ever planning on having children. I have never wanted kids of my own and have always been up-front about this with my family and friends.

Due to a series of bizarre medical events, I ended up pregnant despite long-term use of very effective (for me) birth control. I didn't know because a medication masked basically all the symptoms of early pregnancy. It was a fluke that I found out at 28 weeks -- and it wasn’t a happy surprise. I spent several days in complete hysterics.

Now, a month later, I have come to terms for the most part. At this point there's nothing to do but finish this strange and unplanned journey. My fiancé and I have decided to pursue adoption through a very good agency.

We're doing all the right things for the baby medically and we think we're doing the right thing with the adoption as well. We believe that kids deserve a family who is excited for them and delighted by them... and we can't give this child that experience.

Here's where we may be AHs. We have told only the people closest to us about the pregnancy and our plans. This includes our closest friends and confidants... but only includes two members of my family, namely two that I thought would support us without pressuring us to do anything aside from what we've chosen.

We're both close to my family as a whole, but they can be... pushy. The other members of my extended family are very religious and honestly pretty judgmental. I think they would probably "mean well" but would actually end up stressing both myself and my fiancé out during a time that's already stressful.

Of course, this means shutting them out of everything. No part in the birth, no information about the adoption, nothing. I know this would hurt them if they knew, but I think protecting my peace is priority right now.

EDIT TO ANSWER SOME COMMON QUESTIONS:

1.) My fiancé and I are seeing and will continue to see a counselor to help us navigate this process and make the best decisions for ourselves and the baby.

2.) No, we are not going to let anyone in our family adopt our child. I don't think that would be the best decision for anyone for MANY reasons.

3.) I didn't ask if I was the AH for choosing adoption and I'm not interested in opinions on this. It isn't an easy decision but it's the one we've come to. Please stick to the topic.

4.) We are NOT planning to keep this a secret from these parts of our families forever. We as a couple who is going through an extremely stressful time want time to get through the last few weeks of my pregnancy, the birth, and the post partum processing that we need.

We're super aware of DNA testing and how secrets work, in that they don't. Once we have some room to breathe, we'll sit everyone down and explain our decisions. But months 8-9 of a high risk pregnancy isn't the time to have my very religious family members breathing down my neck.

This is what people had to say to OP:

Fun_War_7353 said:

If you are arranging an adoption without any further contact for you with the baby then there is no point telling family. This is a least said, soonest mended situation.

OP responded:

We're still making those decisions. If we do have contact, we will sit down both of our extended families and tell them.

dianae87 said:

NTA. I worked in L&D. The women whose families were aware of the planned adoption ALWAYS tried to talk the parents in to keeping the baby. Thank you! There are so many couples who can’t have children that would be good parents. It still will be emotional but you are doing the right thing for everyone.

DoIwantToKnow6417 said:

NTA. Your body. Your and your husband's child.

Your and your husband's decision. No business of anyone else.

And ImAnNPCsoWhat said:

NTA. Keep it quiet. You're doing the right thing for you and for future baby.

Three weeks later, OP shared this update:

Hello everyone, I recently posted about my (40F) unplanned pregnancy and how I didn't want to tell certain members of my family because we (myself & my 40M fiancé) had decided to pursue an adoption.

Due to medical complications, our baby ended up being born at 35 weeks. Luckily we were able to get to the amazing hospital with the specialists that we needed prior to her delivery. We had a little girl, and from the time they laid her on my chest in the delivery room, I knew I was in trouble.

So after a LOT of talking between my fiancé and myself, we've decided not to go through with the adoption and instead to keep our baby. We're a stable couple with good jobs, reliable housing, and a great support system, so we're equipped to do this. And yes, I've finished notifying all my family members. They all took it very well, considering the circumstances.