'AITA for not telling my fiance I'm an orphan until we were planning our wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for not telling my fiance I'm an orphan until we were planning our wedding + telling prospective MIL and FIL that I didn't want them to be my parents?"

I (26M) am an orphan of the "left at the doorstep of the fire station" variety. No name, information, birthday, anything. I guess I wasn't a very cute kid, because I was never adopted.

Then I went through a series of foster homes and the things that happened made me wish the US had actual orphanages, because at least workers are there for money, not whatever twisted BS they think is "parenting."

I grew up bitter and worked hard, desperate to prove myself on the off chance that they'd see and come back. When no one was there for high school graduation, I broke down. Then I let go of the resentment, but in order for that to happen, I also let go of ever wanting anything resembling parents.

I went to college and then got into med school. Not because of a particular interest in medicine, but because no matter what happened, someone would always need a doctor.

I fell in love with a classmate and we started dating. I never told her that I was an orphan, only telling her my parents were chronically absent (true) and someone else took care of me (also true).

After two years of dating, she proposed the day after our graduation six months ago. I was so happy that I finally had physical evidence (and a rather expensive ring at that) showing I was worthy of being loved that I didn't remember parents are at weddings, so I'd need to tell her.

edit: the "physical evidence" bit was tongue in cheek. I grew up without gifts like that and I learned to make do. The salient part is that that was the happiest that I've ever been, and I didn't want to jeopardize that by unloading my past.

We matched at the same hospital where her family lived, so we moved in together there, and after the 12th unsolicited visit from her mother asking what our plans for the wedding was, I decided to tell my fiance in a probably crude way.

I told her that my parents were chronically absent because I didn't know who they were and "someone else" was the foster homes. After asking a couple questions, she ran away to her parents to discuss my parentlessness, then they all came back for dinner.

My prospective MIL said that she and prospective FIL wanted me to think of them as my parents from now on and that she'd be my mother for the wedding. I thanked them but said I wasn't interested in having parents of any kind. But, she insisted, everyone should know a parent's love.

I made a joke about a mouse in my research eating its baby. She pushed again and I said it'd be akin to stepsibling incest.

Then PFIL slammed the table and yelled at me for not taking his wife or daughter seriously, and I snapped, telling them to get a grip and go find my parents if they wanted me to have them and God I hope they have better luck than I did. They shut up and left.

Later, my fiance and I were going to the room they were holed up in to apologize and talk calmly, when we overheard them talking about the situation. They were really concerned...about what it would look like to Gramps if his granddaughter was marrying an orphan. See, that's the kind of thing I've come to expect from parents.

But my fiance is still upset and demanding to know what else I'm hiding from her. The answer is nothing, her parents and her gigantic family that won't fit in a damn farmhouse are obviously important to her but I never knew mine so this wasn't a huge secret, just something I didn't like talking about.

AITA? or even if I am, is there anything else I could've done to get a better outcome?

Some clarifying details:

When I made this post, I knew Lola's (fiancee (I can't believe I've been spelling it wrong this entire time and no one pointed it out)) family was rich but there's rich and then there's influential, both of which they are.

I only knew about the latter part in vague details before the events happened because I didn't care before and Lola becoming a doctor was in part an effort to break away from the mold of the family so she doesn't like going into too much detail.

They are deeply entrenched in the businesses and local government of the US South and are conservatives, so my lack of heritage is a problem to them not only in a social lens but also in a practical one in terms of possible scandals/campaign ammunition.

That's why it's become an issue. Prospective FIL has been told point blank that they don't want a "nameless bastard" marrying into the family.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Grakulen said:

You have to admit that you intentionally deceived her (aka lied) for a few years so if nothing else you are the A for that. Your future in laws were trying to do something nice for you but took it too far so they are As for that. Who the hell cares what grandpa thinks.

The one thing you are not an A for is wanting replacement parents. With what happened to you I don't think anyone could blame you. ESH. Also, did your fiancé give you an engagement ring too? Don't see that often.

OP responded:

She did. I have a nonexistent taste in fashion and she probably didn't want to see what I turned up with. She knows jewelry far better than I do. I guess I should mention that her entire family is very well off and from old money as far as I can tell. Realistically speaking Gramps is probably not the only one that takes issue.

She's the first woman in her family to be a doctor and she told me that that caused tensions, so I'm not exactly enthused at the blowout of her marrying an orphan. Her family is important to her and I don't want her to have to choose between them and me. Maybe I should've just kept my mouth shut lol.

Fenriswolf_9 said:

I don't think you're ready to share your life with someone yet. It's understandable you don't want a parental figure in your life, but that was an AH way of shutting down someone who could literally have no concept of what you've been through trying to tell you they want to support you and be your friend. You need to work through your issues with some professional help.

And jrm1102 said:

Well yeah. YTA You intentionally deceived the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and then mocked her parents when they (albeit a little overbearingly) tried to show compassion.

He later shared this update:

Thanks everyone for the comments. Mostly everyone has been pretty helpful, even if I disagree (and if you weren't, I raged at you, so the universe is in balance) and after taking a step back, I've seen some of the faults in my thinking.

re: AITA? I'm the a$$hole for keeping my status as an orphan from Lola only for the reason that she is the person I've decided to dedicate my life to, so I should trust her with everything about my life.

I don't agree that I should've told her because if it turns out she has a problem with orphans, that's wasted time for both of us (more on that here), nor do I agree that I lied.

I was never under the illusion that I could keep it a secret forever, but I don't see the issue in having waited past a year or six months or whatever subjectively defined timeline you (in the royal sense) personally might've wanted to know about it.

All relevant factors (eg not being a Strong Family Man) are exactly the same whether I'm an orphan or just have really absent parents.

I'm the a$$hole for saying vulgar shit to prospective MIL and FIL in an attempt to distract away from the topic of me considering them as my parents. They've apologized for not taking more time to understand my situation.

They simply thought didn't have parents = wants parents. I've apologized for what I said. I'm glad that a lot of replies here are understanding of my desire to just leave the "parents" section of my life blank; PMIL and PFIL still think it's just a defense mechanism that I'll eventually get past.

re: therapy

Not entirely sold on talking to a therapist instead of just talking to her, but at least one of the two is happening.

re: Lola

We are doing extremely well. I figured I'd be, at the very least, occupying the couch for a bit, but on the first night, she came out after brushing her teeth telling me to hurry up and come to bed as if it was my fault or something.

Sometimes dreams do come true. There's been a little adjusting as she comes to terms with the new information, but she trusts that there's not anything else I'm hiding and I'm not.

re: the family's reaction and marriage

We're still engaged, but most of her family is adamantly against us getting married for the reasons laid out above. Her parents are one of the few on our side (oops).

Hope things can cool down so we can get married without incident but it's out of our hands for the time being.