"AITA for not telling my son’s stepmom I’m pregnant?"
My son (6) was home when my partner and I found out we were pregnant. We had been trying for several months. My son’s stepmom has struggled with fertility over the last couple of years. She’s had 2 pregnancies and both have ended in early miscarriage. When his stepmom was pregnant the first time, his dad and her told my son to keep it a secret from me specifically.
They announced it to everyone else but me. I didn’t care that they didn’t tell me but I did care that they told my child to keep a secret from me. My son told me anyway (obviously) and we had a long talk about why keeping secrets from parents isn’t okay and I told them it wasn’t okay for them to tell my son that, no matter the “secret.”
Fast forward to her second miscarriage, she was being rude to my son (as she usually is) and I said something to her about it. She told me she had another miscarriage recently and that her patience felt low. I told her I had sympathized because my partner and I had been trying but to no avail then reminded her not to take her frustrations out on my child.
**JUST TO BE CLEAR, SHE KNEW WE WERE TRYING.**
Fast forwarding now to finding out. My son was home with us and was so excited he cried tears of happiness. Later, he had to go to his dad’s and he asked me if it was a secret.
I told him no and reminded him that we don’t keep secrets from parents. I did, however, sit him down and talked to him about how it might make his stepmom feel. I said he was still allowed to be excited even if she felt sad but gave him the heads up out of respect for her.
My son came home after his weekend and told me that he told both his dad and stepmom as soon as he got in the car. When I asked how it went, he said his dad told him “you need to learn to keep things to yourself,” and the stepmom immediately started bawling and became angry.
My immediate response was to text his dad and tell him how inappropriate they handled it. I told them that they need to think about how comfortable my son would be coming to them about things in the future if that is the reaction he was going to get.
His dad argued but inevitably agreed to apologize to his son. Later that night, I received a text from the stepmom. The summary of her text was that I disrespected her by not coming to her and telling her myself. That I was in the wrong for sending my 6 year old to “drop it on her like a bomb.”
My response was a lot nicer and extremely respectful but I WANTED to tell her that she hasn’t shown me OR my child an ounce of respect in the 3 years she’s been around and ask her why I would tell her when she told my own son to keep her pregnancy a secret from me?
She’s always been rude and envious toward me and my son and, quite frankly, my pregnancy was none of their business. Their son/stepson being a big brother was all the business thy needed to mind.
There was no part of me that even thought to go to them to tell them as we aren’t particularly close or on great terms. Also- why would I want to announce my pregnancy to someone as “breaking bad news” when this was my moment to be excited and happy? The woman would have cried no matter what and made it about herself. In my humble opinion.
What I actually told her was that her feelings were valid and that I had discussed a poor reaction from her with my son prior but that she could have still told my son that it was okay for him to be excited and that her husband should have NEVER shut my son down like that.
I did, in fact, remind her that she told my son to keep a secret from me in the past with her pregnancy, but in a nice as possible way. She never responded and 6 weeks later, she’s still treating me like utter 💩. Yes, I mean worse than before.
**EDIT Please re-read where I said I predicted stepmom would be sad… I simply cannot find where I stated that I predicted they would have treated my son poorly regarding this matter. I certainly did not expect for them to shut my son down and say hurtful things to him. I only knew that she may feel sad and I definitely expected her and/or his father to handle it like the adults they are.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
fatkitty22 wrote:
Wow, what a colossal mess. First, congrats on you pregnancy. Next, it is not your issue to take on her feelings and make sure she is "comfortable" with your news. I think this is just ridiculous. These are her feelings and her feelings alone to own.
I feel really bad for your son. His father and his wife sound like self-centered a**es. This is NOT about them. This news is about you and your family that includes your son.
When she continues to act like a brat, turn this around on her and remind her that this is not about her. You did not get pregnant to hurt her feelings or to cause some sort of slight against her. This pregnancy is about you, your husband, your son and your growing family. Period.
OP responded:
Thank you for the kind words! We are VERY excited for this next step. 🩷
ImprovementNo38 wrote:
She sounds emotionally immature. NTA. She has every right to feel disappointed and sad in her circumstances but she should be mature and grateful enough to handle it better in front of your child and I kind of feel bad for your child and any future children she has that has to have her as a prominent adult figure in their lives.
OP responded:
Not that this matters but when I sent her my response, instead of responding or furthering the conversation, I simply got a notification saying she had “removed the background” from our texts…. As if that was her way of trying to hurt my feelings. 💀 I laughed a bit, I’ll admit.
Frostiepie wrote:
I had two awful early miscarriages. You know what I didn't do? Take it out on a child, because I'm not an AH. You're NTA either. Your son's step monster is awful, and if she gets a baby or not, she's going to get worse.
Either, she will get more and more resentful, because she can't have one herself, or she'll have one and get pissed off that your ex is spending time with his firstborn. Either way, the future is not bright for that relationship. Congrats on your pregnancy, I truly hope all goes well and your son is very excited to be a big brother!
sweaty-delivery-5300 wrote:
I think you guys need to use a parenting app. Also get your son in therapy. His other house sounds awful. My mom stood by while I was mistreated by my dad's partner. Do not make that mistake.
OP wrote:
It’s clear that a lot of you do not have children or coparent through courts as “taking my son away” is not even remotely an option. Courts do not give a flying crap about what goes on in a home unless the child doesn’t have access to basic needs. I.e. water, food, electricity, their own room (after a certain age).
They hardly care how clean a house is. What they care is that if both parents are willing to be present, that they are. It isn’t up to me to share custody, because trust and believe id prefer to have my son all to myself but that’s just not how the world works.
Also, how was I suppose to know that she and the father would both just straight up treat my son like crap about it? Yes, I absolutely had far more of an expectation from almost 30y/o parents to talk to a 6y/o a lot better than they did. Did I think she would be sad? Yes.. but it’s okay for her to be sad and it’s okay that my son sees she’s sad.
What wasn’t okay is that they made my son feel bad about sharing and that was their own mistake no one could have predicted. It was up to them to fix. Side note: My son is already in therapy thankfully. He’s been in therapy since he was 4. He loves his father dearly and speaks pretty highly of both households overall.
tasty_amphibian_54 wrote:
She sounds extremely immature and she needs to figure out a way to separate her extreme emotions from her reactions when she's around her stepson. Or if she shows them, allow him to still have his own emotions as well.
Your ex needs to also be a better advocate for your son in that household. I know miscarriages are very difficult, I won't ever say otherwise, but a 6 year old doesn't deserve that burden.
He should be allowed to be excited by the incoming younger sibling and not be shoved aside. NTA - you had no requirement to tell her or your ex. They are not in any way people you would ordinarily celebrate good news with, which is who newly pregnant people tend to share that news with.
No-BSing-Here wrote:
If his new wife treats his existing child like crap, why would he want a new baby with her? If she has a baby, your son will be pushed out. I think you handled it well. Why would you tell her your amazing news like some death announcement? I get that stepmum has struggled, but that doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't have another child.
sabr1809 wrote:
Personally, I always give a heads up because I know she is jealous and will have a negative reaction in front of the child. I want to minimise that by communicating directly although I have no obligation to do so.