'AITA for not telling my parents my partner is actually a woman?' 'I could see their faces DROP.'

"AITA for not telling my parents my partner is actually a woman?"

I (22F) am dating a WOMAN (24f). She has a very androgynous look to her, likes dressing masculine (suits, baggy clothes etc), has short hair, is 175cm, has a pretty deeper voice, is flat and ironically has a gender neutral name, Alex.

I know how you might look at her and think “oh that’s a short dude with a higher pitched voice for a man." I honestly like that about her. I’ve always been fond of the androgynous look in people and obviously it’s good when it comes to safety since in public people often do confuse her for a dude and us for a straight couple.

My family met her 2 years ago and I thought it would be obvious she wasn’t a dude. I also made that assumption since for example my sister and grandmother both with completely different views in life and gender roles clocked that she’s a girl. In general it also isn’t a secret, I just never said “hey this is a girl."

Anyways, now to around a week ago. I honestly don’t even remember the actual conversation but somehow at dinner at my parents place it finally clicked that Alex isn’t a male Alex but a female one lol. I could see their faces drop and they were just off for the rest of the dinner. We went home with female Alex and my parents called me over the next day.

They weren’t angry per say put seemed kinda weirded out? They know I’m not straight but it seems like they only digested that information now. They were upset about Alex being female, but kind of for me not specifying. They also had issues with Alex dressing so masculine and “basically being a man” so it didn’t make sense for us not to be straight.

They started reminiscing about the past of our relationship and became even more disgusted remembering that Alex has gone topless around them (at the beach or wearing an unbuttoned dress shirt). I kinda didn’t have an answer since like I said, I never hid Alex’s gender and everyone else just figured it out. Therefore I also didn’t think to address the toplessness or masculine side of her.

I honestly don’t know what to think. I’m not hurt or annoyed, it’s just odd? I told Alex and she just laughed and didn’t take it to heart either. My parents seem to be the only ones upset but I don’t know if I’m supposed to do something about it or just let them digest all this new information? Also just in general AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Sometimes-Demure said:

NTA but kinda funny that she didn’t fit their criteria enough to notice.

atonememe said:

NTA. It’s your relationship and when it comes down to it, how you handle the conversations down the line is entirely up to you and Alex.

Moose-Live said:

NTA. You didn't hide it from them, and you didn't realize they had the wrong end of the stick. Their criticism of her wardrobe is ridiculous. The going topless thing you'll need to explain though. Even flat chested women do not look like men with their shirts off. So I'm not sure how this did not clue them in.

Linkcott18 said:

NTA. But your parents are for assuming Alex's gender.

CandyFrutti said:

NTA. My best friend’s mom once spent three years thinking her daughter’s roommate was just a tomboy before realizing they were dating. She cried, not because they were gay, but because she felt fooled. Like, ma’am, the clues were there, you just didn’t want to see them. Your parents are giving the same energy.

hiddenkobolds said:

NTA. They're TA for being angry about something that isn't reasonable to be angry about. They're the ones who made assumptions, and they're the ones who seem to have some internalized homophobia to deal with. Their problem, not yours

Later, OP edited the post to include:

Addressing some things. We don’t use gender pronouns where I’m from so they could have talked about her with the wrong pronouns and like I said, I never explicitly said “this is a woman."

I get nudity is a huge taboo to a lot of people but where I’m from it is more normalized. All genders can go topless legally. There are a lot of nudist beaches here.

Families, strangers and in general people of all genders can go to a sauna together naked and it isn’t weird. It wasn’t an explosive fight, more like them being upset that I “wasn’t honest." Small bickering if you will.

More about the toplessness: Alex is as flat as a board, it’s not an insult just a fact, even she says it. If I showed you a picture of her torso you would think “oh that’s a scrawny teenager” lol. She is as flat as a guy might be.

More about the chest as well: my issue with them having an issue with it is that 1. they let my BIL run around in his speedos and go shirtless when he pleases 2. They only decided it was a problem once they realized it wasn’t a man’s chest

To all of y'all who guessed I’m Finnish, yup you got it! I guess the sauna was a giveaway lol! Congrats to y'all detectives. (Hän, hänen, hänellä, hänelle), are a few examples of ways to refer to a person in Finnish, they apply to all genders.