'AITA for not telling my sister I was pregnant before her wedding?'
"AITA for not telling my sister I was pregnant before her wedding?"
Context - my sister is getting married and I found out I was pregnant and due 2 weeks after her set date. This is an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy which was emotionally complicated and heavy for me to process; I also have a history of multiple losses and so I waited til 12 weeks to share the news with anyone other than my mom and partner.
I also had ongoing bleeding and threatened miscarriage during my first trimester. I knew my due date would be a few weeks after the wedding and I honestly feared her reaction. I told her when I saw her in person, about 12 weeks and 6 days. She was immediately angry I didn’t tell her right when I found out as it will affect her wedding.
I expressed my reasons for waiting and she said they were excuses and I purposely didn’t tell her because I didn’t want to come in the first place. She then had uninvited me (and my children who were to be in the wedding) from the wedding saying it would be too stressful to have someone 9 months pregnant there and take away from the special day
She also has said I have irreparably damaged our relationship and she does not know if she can forgive me. She has asked to distance herself from me for the foreseeable future. Her reasoning is that I kept a secret and that if I had told her immediately she could have changed the date before sending out save the dates because she cares about me being there.
I wasn’t aware that changing the date/venue was an option and I didn’t know her timeline on sending those. I told her that but she dismissed that as another excuse. Anyway, I’m truly wondering if I’m this far in the wrong to deserve this treatment. I feel I was entitled to my own privacy about sharing pregnancy news but perhaps I did the wrong thing by not telling her.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Lapam76 said:
NTA. She is gaslighting you. YOUR pregnancy effects her wedding in NO WAY. I'd bet if you asked she would say it was bc people would pay attention to you instead of her, IN HER EYES or it would make the pictures look off again IN HER EYES.
She is wrong. Her excuses for her behavior and attitude will be and are BS. Tell her if she can't simply be happy for you, as you are for her than you don't want to ruin her big day by being there to celebrate with her. Go NC for a bit until you feel comfortable speaking with her again.
Fresh_Passion1184 said:
NTA. I do not get this whole competing over weddings and pregnancy thing, I admit. But it sounds thoughtless and disrespectful to me that she would dismiss your valid fear of miscarriage as a mere excuse for keeping the pregnancy quiet. Now it seems like she wants to punish you and the children for up staging her.
I would tell her you're sorry she took it so hard but it was a decision not made lightly and not made to hurt her but to keep you low on stress and heartbreak should something have happened. If she remains inflexible wish her the best and don't go. The aggravation could bring on early labor and your sister would likely freak out and say you did that intentionally too.
Awesome_Forky said:
NTA. Wtf is wrong with your sister? I mean: Yeah if changing the date would have been an option it's inconvenient that you didn't tell her. But nothing more. An inconvenience.
Especially with your history I wouldn't expect you to share the news of the pregnancy. To say you're making "excuses" is absolute BS. Your sister seems to have no empathy. She's totally overreacting.
turquoise_turtle83 said:
NTA. Sounds like she is hurt that she wasn't your first confidant in this situation, and she is taking it out on you by hurting you in all ways she can think of. Her response is irrational and uncalled for. And her lack of support in the situation you are in is what really should have long term effects on your relationship going forward.
Individual-Foxlike said:
NTA. It's very very normal for high risk pregnancies not to be announced until at least 12 weeks. Give her space and hope she cools off. That's about all you can do when she's wildly overreacting.
Forsaken-Routine-466 said:
NTA...pregnancy happens when it happens. Its a medical condition that is disclosed how and when you're comfortable. Congratulations...Weddings are for just one day. I'm tired of the self glorification events people are staging.
StopNegative5433 said:
NTA. Sounds like you are about to have a drama-free preganancy, since she can't unload her bridezilla crap on you. Concentrate on your own family and don't worry about it too much. Congratulations!