'AITA for not telling my wife I’m moving to Hawaii permanently?'
"AITA for not telling my wife I’m moving to Hawaii permanently?"
I (26M) have been married to my wife (25F) for 4 years. Her and I have had our fair share of disagreements/arguments that turn into one of us raising our voices (we’ve never blatantly yelled at one another) or using curse words. Never directly to one another, always about whatever we’re disagreeing on.
She has left me 4 times. The first 2 times were a week long. The 3rd time, she said it was over and that she would eventually file papers. We were separated for 5 months. The 4th time she just said “I need a few months before we can talk again."
I’ve started to see a therapist and psych and was recently diagnosed with a number of things as I had been struggling with psychosis among other things (ptsd,depression, anxiety).
She’s always been the one to leave and she usually plans FAR ahead for when she does leave. She’s never given me a warning, it’s always been (alright I’m out) with her already having things in place for herself.
This last time was like every other time, she planned it and I found out as she was grabbing her things to leave. I fell to my knees pleading with her as I had been at my lowest mentally BEFORE she left and since I don’t have contact with family anymore, she’s really all I had in terms of family.
As I knelt there begging her to stay, she said “we’ll talk in a few months” and left. Every time she leaves, I must cater to her even MORE SO than the last time. It’s almost like she’s training me like a dog.
With her knowing I don’t have many other people to where I’ve called crisis hotline a number of times she thought it would be best if we went no contact for a while.. I’m also almost positive she just booked a cruise with her best friend and she has made efforts to ensure I don’t find out.
Hawaii, I have a family member who I haven’t seen in a decade stationed there (him and I have always had an amazing relationship) and when she left I tried reaching out to as many people as possible as I cry for help as every night grew longer and darker in more ways than one.
He was one of the few to reach back out and he invited me to live with him and his wife for a bit until I get settled with a job (healthcare worker) and eventually find my own place.
I’ve booked my flight and while she said “I wont be filing papers” I’m afraid this cycle will continue of “I’ll take you back but you’ve gotta do this”. I have plans of just up and leaving.
We currently share an apartment which she’s moved out of for the most part, I’d be leaving her with the lease for the last 2 months. So essentially, AITA for leaving HER high and dry this time? As far as legal consequences, she won’t pursue that (doesn’t really believe in it, long story.)
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Stop taking her back!!!
Strong_Clerk851 (OP)
That’s what this time is about 😅
Freeze your credit asap. She can access your social security number through checking past tax returns, and the last thing you need to deal with is her running up a bunch of debt under your name before you cut ties completely.
Just start the divorce proceedings already and be glad you don't have any kids with her. You're about to start your new life. Good luck!
Get out. File for divorce (abandonment). Go to Hawaii. Don’t tell her a thing. Get yourself together.
NTA for bailing on the cycle. She ghosts, you beg, rinse-repeat. You’re allowed to tap out and grab a lifeline in Hawaii. Do her one courtesy text: “I’m relocating, apartment’s yours, good luck.” Then block, file for divorce, and focus on healing. You’re not her emotional chew toy anymore.
You’re only the AH if you don’t file for divorce. If you do file for divorce then your soon to be ex-wife is an emotionally and mentally abusive AH.
Based on the title I would have said yes YTA. But after reading this, she’s just sleeping with other dudes while she’s on bet “breaks” do yourself the favor, divorce, file the papers and move on with your life. You should never be trained like a dog by anyone. She is just playing games.
Op, firstly, NTA. Secondly, Godspeed. Thirdly - this is very important - when you get to Hawaii, you must update us.
YWBTAH to yourself if you don’t break this cycle. Do talk to an attorney though for guidance since you’ll be so far away. There are a lot of little things that you may not have thought of.
Copies of 3 years of tax returns Birth certificate Locking your credit. Notify credit card companies Close bank accounts Forwarding mail and from what I understand, you have to fill out the forms both from and to so you’ll need to open a P.O. Box when you get there or use your friends address Life Insurance change in beneficiary Retirement accounts change in beneficiary.
Lots of little things. Starting over is expensive; pots, pans, flatware, dishes and small appliances, sheets, towels etc (you absolutely have to take your pillow). Shipping won’t be cheap, but replacing everything will be really expensive. I have a feeling that your mental health will improve substantially once you’ve gotten settled. Good luck.
Strong_Clerk851 (OP)
Yeah that’s why thankfully he’s giving me time to settle in and not have to take a huge financial hit as soon as I arrive. My pillow is the only thing I’d really fight over so hell yeah.