'AITA for not turning down an invite to go backstage at a show because a friend of mine couldn’t handle being left alone?'
"AITA for not turning down an invite to go backstage at a show because a friend of mine couldn’t handle being left alone?"
My two friends (39F and 28F) and I (30F) were specifically picked out of a crowd to come backstage at a concert recently because we are close friends with the band, but a fourth friend of ours (32F), I’ll call her Theresa, flipped out because she wasn’t included. Theresa’s been to a few of the band’s concerts with us, but none of us know her super well and we literally only see her at shows.
Theresa told my friends later that it was because she has trauma and abandonment issues, but I distinctly recall her saying in a very bratty, huffy tone “WELL! OKAY THEN! What about me??” when she wasn’t included with us to come backstage, so she was vey obviously just mad she was left out.
My friends are insisting that it’s “concert etiquette” to take care of the people around you, and making me feel like I’m in the wrong for not being more sympathetic to her and her situation.
Look, I totally get the taking care of people around you at shows, but I also don’t feel like I should be criticized for not wanting to babysit a 32 year old woman who I really don’t know that well, who can’t handle being by herself (at a concert she came to alone!), and wants to be bratty that she can’t go backstage with us when she wasn’t invited.
The band manager specifically pointed to the 3 of us, said “just those three”, and had a roadie come get us. We very politely but firmly gave Theresa two options when we were leaving to go backstage: she could either stay in the pit and wait for us, or go across the street to the pub where we were going afterwards and wait for us there.
Neither idea was good enough for her and she remained very upset. And plus, it wasn’t like my friends were wanting to stay with her either, so by their own rationale of how you should take care of people at concerts, they should be just as guilty as me for not staying with her.
Just looking for some outside perspective here to see if I’m really an AH for not being more sympathetic, or what.
EDIT: It’s come to my attention that I worded my originally post poorly and may have left out some important context. Theresa is much more of an acquaintance of mine, and it’s a stretch to call her a friend as I really don’t know her that well.
We didn’t plan to come to the concert together at all, we bought our tickets completely separately, traveled there separately, and we simply ran into each other while we were there.
We also didn’t realize we would be invited backstage, as that wasn’t something that had ever happened to us before. Hope this provides some context for folks that were confused! :)
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
If all four of you organized attending together and came together then you are TAH. But if you came separately and you guys recognized each other when you got there and happened to sit/stand together NTA.
girlfromthenorthco (OP)
We did not organize attending together at all. My two friends and I all came together, and Theresa came by herself. We stood together at the show, but that was it.
If you didn't COME WITH HER, this is complete nutballs. NTA!
NTA, it's not your responsibility to watch over someone you barely know.
girlfromthenorthco (OP)
THANK YOU! I’m really not understanding why babysitting a 32 year old woman who didn’t come to the concert with us is my responsibility. She came on her own, and then was upset at being by herself. Makes no sense to me.
NTA. There’s a difference between an acquaintance and a friend. You went backstage with friends, you bumped into this acquaintance at the concert.
INFO: Can you clarify this for me, OP? When you all bought tickets - was it you + your two friends/Theresa wasn't involved in your plans? It sounds like you are friendly and recognize each other at shows, not that you actually attended with her?
If you had planned/coordinated meeting up at the show/hanging out at the show and you ditched her to go backstage then you'd be TA. If you guys are friendly/recognize each other at shows but her being there was incidental/you guys didn't coordinate "hey I'm going to X show, are you? let's meet up" then you're not the AH.
If you guys all bought tickets together, or communicated before the show to make plans to meet up/hang out at the show, then you had a prior commitment to Theresa. Ditching someone for a better offer is a jerk move - so if that's what happened, you're the AH. But I'm not sure that's what happened?
girlfromthenorthco (OP)
Hi! Sure, I’m happy to clarify. No, she was not included at all when we bought tickets. I bought my own ticket, and then my two friends brought theirs. Theresa bought hers completely separately from the three of us.
We are acquaintances with her because we’ve been to shows that she’s been at before too, but in looking back at my post, saying she’s a friend is probably a stretch. We coordinated nothing with Theresa, just greeted her when we got there because we recognized her and stood next to her at the show. We didn’t even know we were gonna get pulled backstage, that had never happened before.
So it wasn’t even like we coordinated it prior to the show and she was intentionally being left out. Please feel free to ask if you want me to clarify more, sorry if my original post was hard to understand!
As a woman, if I see a drunk/inebriated human who can’t care for themself in a public space, girl code and being a decent human says I drop what I’m doing to get that person to safety…
That being said if this girl was cognizant enough to take care of herself and her only excuse is ‘abandonment issues’ then no. In that scenario you are responsible for the crew you came with, not extra randos even if you do sort of know them.
Also, and I say this as a lifetime sufferer of CPTSD with abandonment issues, that is a terrible reason to make others feel guilty in a scenario like this. And, we are responsible for our own triggers!! It is not your job to make choices based on her triggers, it’s her job to learn and understand her own triggers and manage them for herself. NTA.