'AITA for not keeping my ex updated on our child’s health problems?'
"AITA for not keeping my ex updated on our child’s health problems?"
Let me begin with I am a (40f) and have been divorced from my ex for 14 years. We have 3 boys together (19,18,15) I have since remarried and have another son (6). He has since remarried and had a daughter (9).
Over the years his visitations with the boys slowed and then stopped completely about 5 years ago. When that happened all phone calls, gifts for bdays/holidays, and contact stopped also. Fast forward to October last year.
My 15 year old had been complaining of leg pain, not being hungry, and sleeping at all hours. I had taken him into the doctor for labs and to be seen thinking perhaps he had juvenile diabetes (which runs on his bios side).
All the labs and exams can back normal and was told it could be growing pains and teens tend to sleep a lot. I wasn’t convinced and pushed to have him see my endocrinologist just to ease my mind and his.
He went to the endo appointment and she ordered lost of labs but when they went to draw them they couldn’t get the blood needed. They told us he was probably a little dehydrated and to push fluids that night and come back the next day to attempt them again. Que the end of our world as we knew it…
My son went back to school to finish out his day and I went to work. After school he got off the bus with his little brother and started the walk home. He tells me when he walks in that on the walk he felt like a bat had hit his head with how fast and hard the headache came on.
So I had him lay down and rest for a few minutes in my room so I could monitor him. Things spiraled from there. About 15 mint later I realized this was not in fact getting better but worse and loaded him up to go to our ER.
At our local ER they ran labs and EKG’s and then the doctor said it could be from head trauma and he would feel better running a CT to just rule it out. He then came back in and told us my son had a mass in his brain and they where sending him to the children’s hospital in the next state over.
At the children’s hospital they did an MRI and found my son has brain cancer and it was not just in his brain but his spine also. They immediately did a bed side procedure to lessen the build up of fluid in his brain and scheduled a 12 hour tumor removal for 4 days later.
Now at this point I had not contacted his bio as literally things moved way to fast, my own husband had limited knowledge. I truly hadn’t processed much as the line of doctors and staff seemed never ending.
In the days between the MRI and his brain surgery he and I and the drs talked. We were told that until pathology came back there was no way to know exactly what type of cancer he had and that it could be hereditary.
My son expressed to his social worker doctor and I that he did not want his bio there or to have access to him but that he was worried about his half sister and felt he needed to protect her if he could.
So we all agreed that I would call his bio and inform him of what was going on and that we would update him with the diagnosis when we had it so he could have his daughter checked if need be. But that our son had stressed he did not want him there. Quoting (you don’t get to be a dad when it benefits you, and if your not there on the good days you can’t be there on the bad ones.)
My ex agreed and told me to keep him posted. After surgery he messaged me once two days later to make sure he had made it out ok. A month later I informed him of the type and class of tumor our son had and that it was not hereditary.
Since this last message the only contact has been when he changed my son’s insurance mind inpatient and I have made several attempts to get access to check coverage and copays.
In the months since his surgery he has undergone radiation and chemo, several surgeries, another emergency brain surgery, and maintenance chemo. Throughout all of this I have yet to receive 1 message simply checking on our son or his progress.
I have however had to reach out more than once to get insurance information from him, each time it ending abruptly after him having a meltdown that I am not calling or messaging him with updates on his son. Or that he wont help me with the insurance because I am not pushing any of our children to speak with him as it’s my job to encourage them to give him another chance.
He also spent 10 minutes one call explaining how it wasn’t fair that I had made any medical decisions without notifying him first. That it is quote (my responsibility to keep him fully updated on all things dealing with all our children. And that it is not his responsibility to call me for updates.)
So long story short I haven’t been messaging or calling him at all anymore… I have sent the original divorce papers to the insurance company directly stating that I am their sole legal guardian and need access. Which I now have and actual insurance ID cards which they sent me Along with the policy book.
Things are looking better for my son and luckily treatments seem to be workin. He has a few more rounds of chemo and a few smaller surgeries in the next few months but his outlook is positive. So please AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You are a great mom. Thank you for respecting your child’s wishes! Remember to take care of yourself so you have energy to take care of your kids. ((Hugs))
NTA at all OP! Sending good vibes to you and your family! Hope all goes well for your son!
Girl. I’m glad you got to vent, for one….
For two, you already know the answer to this.
Don’t even feel any kind of way about not reaching out to that father of the year….i won’t even get into the delusional situation and happenstance with my first daughters father, she hasn’t even seen him since 3 months old yet her wants full parental rights lmfao.
The entitlement is real, all it ever is really, is a completely SELFISH “They need to and I order them to love me unconditionally” without any of the SELFLESS commitments you must fulfill in order to even DESERVE to maintain that expectation.
If it’s better for the kid for their dad to go bye bye then it’s selfish for that dad to want to insert theirselves into a family relationship he isn’t at all ready or responsible enough to hold title to. Just saying…that is all about my circumstances lol but I think you may be able to read between the lines to take what resonates.
NTA. Your son is 15, not 5. Depending on your state that means he is allowed to have medical privacy from everyone including parents/guardians. He asked that bio-dad not be informed, you need to respect that. That he tried to use the insurance to leverage the relationship with the kids is disgusting.
He could have killed your son with that as it could delay care. That’s something I would have scorched earth about: Tell the older two about it and let them call their dad to express their opinions of him playing games at this time.
You are so far NTA that you are, in fact, possibly only lightly touching the hair of the head on the body the AH belongs to. And furthermore, that hair is some sort of 3ft tall Mohican deal.