"AITA for not visiting my family for the holidays?"
I, 26F lived with/really close to my parents for the majority of my life. In 2022, I started dating my bf long distance (about 1k miles apart) after about 1.5 years of us dating I decided that I wanted to move in with him. I had been really burnt out, and it was making me depressed.
He offered to let me move in with him so I could focus on my art career, and I accepted. iI took me months to prepare, and my mom, dad, stepdad, and stepmom were all trying to talk me out of it the whole time. I love my family, but I’m an only child so they’ve always been weird about me being away from home for anything.
Fast forward to middle of last year (2024), I moved down there with my bf and have been pretty happy here. He takes care of me, and I get to focus on my artwork and other things I never had time to do when I was living where I used to.
I grew up sheltered in a small town so he’s made sure over this past year to take me out to experience things I’ve never gotten to before, and it’s been lovely! I always share things that go on with my parents, sending them pictures and videos of our adventures, or simple pics of the animals his family has here, etc.
I don’t get the opportunity to talk on the phone often with my parents though, since my dad is a busy guy and my mom has health issues that make her sleep a lot so she’ll miss times I’ve set up to talk with her. Lately, I think that’s been getting to her cause she’ll get upset with me if i don’t message her for a few days.
I always feel bad about it, I have severe untreated ADHD so I can be forgetful…anyways, she wanted me and my bf to come home and visit for the holidays. My dad is pretty well off so he offered to pay for it, because I don’t make a lot off of commissions and my bf makes minimum wage.
But I had to wait until my bf got his schedule (he gets a week off for this time of year but we never know it super far in advance) this year, he didn’t get his schedule until about two weeks into December. I sent a message over to my dad, assuming it was too late to get tickets (I checked and at that point two plane tickets home were over a grand) and he never responded.
I relayed this info to my mom when it happened, but I think she may not have understood because today (two days before Christmas) I mentioned that we were most likely going to visit my bf’s grandma for Christmas since I haven’t met her yet, and my mom freaked out. I reminded her that I told her we had found out his schedule too late and she left me on read.
I’m anxious now cause I feel like I'm either gonna get ignored, or worse; a long angry message about how I don’t care about her (she’s sent me messages like this when I didn’t text her a couple days in a row) I do love my mom, and I miss my family a lot, but we’re poor and there’s not much I could do without my dad’s help.
I feel bad enough that I didn’t have enough money for gifts this year, let alone this…so I need to know: AITA? Should I be feeling as guilty as I am??
Here's what people had to say to OP:
cat_got_ya_tongue wrote:
NAH but I think you were inconsiderate and the communication all around was poor. You don’t need your boyfriends schedule to book a flight. You can come whenever suits you and he can choose to join you if/when his schedule permits. You also don’t owe your parents your attendance at Christmas. They can invite you and then you have a choice of whether to attend. You could also invite them.
In this case your parents invited you and offered to pay for your flight. In your mind you attached this to your boyfriends schedule (it didn’t need to be) and decided it was too hard. That decision was open to you, but your parents understandably feel slighted and sad. Just because you’re not “wrong” doesn’t mean they’re not hurt.
OP responded:
I had to fit it around my bf’s schedule because they wanted both of us there, I suppose I should’ve been more clear. I wanted to make sure we could both go as they wanted.
draetz1 wrote:
ESH. Your parents for not following up and you for the same reason
It’s Christmas. I’m having a hard time buying you all just forgot or let it go until 2 days before.
OP responded:
I'm not sure what happened on their end, neither of my parents have the best memory, so communication gets weird.
teenytinydoedoe wrote:
No, you are not the ah for not visiting your family for the holiday. I will now read the post and then type the rest of my reply. Yeah 100% NTA. You communicated clearly about the situation and your parents didn't follow up or finalize the situation.
OP responded:
I appreciate your feedback, I always feel so guilty when I upset my mom like this 😭
teenytinydoedoe responded:
I'm gonna say something to you that my therapist said to me when I said the same thing about my parents.
"That's not a parent - child dynamic, where you are the child."
🩷🩷🩷 happy holidays to you and those who listen to you and celebrate in what makes you happy with you!
I wish you all the best OP