'AITA for not waiting longer for my BIL and SIL, causing drama in the family?'
"AITA for not waiting longer for my BIL & SIL, causing drama in the family?"
My husband (working abroad) and I have been married for 7 years & had a baby in 2024. Background: SIL lives with my MIL along with her 2 kids (14F, 7M). Her husband (my BIL) works abroad and hadn’t come home in the last 1.5 years, so he hadn’t met our baby yet.
We live in different cities, about a 3+hr drive apart. BIL's family home is just 30 minutes from mine. BIL returned from abroad and stayed at his home (near me), then went to MIL’s after a week. No visit or call about meeting the baby at that time. On Aug 30, I had a reception near my husband's hometown. My cousin recently had a baby and my uncle, just back from surgery, was nearby.
Since I recently returned to work post-maternity, and with a small baby, I decided to make all the visits in 1 trip. I informed MIL in advance that I’d stop by but wouldn't stay long. Traffic was heavy due to the upcoming holiday. After finishing some visits, I reached MIL’s around 5 PM. She said SIL & family had gone to buy food for me. I told her it wasn’t necessary as I’d eaten at the reception two hours ago.
I called BIL, who said they were at a shop 10 mins away. I asked them to return soon. After multiple calls and 30 minutes of waiting, they still hadn’t returned. I suggested we meet near the shop which was on my route back. We met briefly on the roadside, just SIL and the kids came out, not BIL. I said we'd meet properly next time and left.
Two days later, my husband started acting cold. When I asked what was wrong, he said he couldn’t believe how "inhumane" I had been & needed time away. He wouldn’t explain further. I was exhausted with a clingy, feverish baby and work stress, so I didn’t push further. During the holidays he stayed NC. Didn’t even check on the baby. After 3 weeks, I called MIL, suspecting she was involved.
I mentioned the lack of child support during this time and said if he wanted to cut ties with me, fine, but the baby deserves better. Two days later, MIL initiated a group call, asking my husband to "forgive me." I said I wasn’t asking for forgiveness, I still didn’t know what I’d supposedly done wrong. MIL then said it was rude of me to meet BIL/SIL outside and not wait 5 more minutes.
I reminded her I waited 30 mins, had other visits and a long night drive ahead (we reached home at 11 PM, with no male company).
I clearly communicated I will just drop by. Also, when BIL stayed in my town(before & after this), he didn’t attempt to visit. MIL said he won’t visit now as his ego was hurt. They had bought a baby dress, but now won’t give it. I said if their ego matters more than the baby, I’m fine keeping distance.
Later, my husband accused me of longterm “disrespect” toward his family: I didn’t hear when SIL asked me something in a loud room. I declined raw fruit from niece politely. I put tea on the table instead of handing hot cups directly. We’re talking now, mostly because of the baby, but the atmosphere is tense. I keep second-guessing myself. AITA for how I handled the visit and not waiting longer?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
hannxhope wrote:
NTA. You warned them you couldn’t stay long, you waited plenty, and they still didn’t bother to show up on time. Their reaction is way bigger than the situation and it feels like they’re using this to dump old frustrations on you. You didn’t do anything wrong.
OP responded:
I feel the same. Apparently BIL lost his job and his business in the last year and I feel like they are trying to "use" my husband to get by. It might be beneficial for them if he is not spending for us. Maybe I am overthinking but them making this a huge issue seems very sus to me. Especially with my MIL, everything is money, money, money and SIL is her golden child.
Strong-Cup27 wrote:
NTA but it sounds like you have a terrible husband & I’m sorry for the lack of emotional support.
OP responded:
I am having lots of stress these days because everything I do ends up being "disrespect." I don't even want to divorce. I just want all of them to disappear forever. It's so frustrating.I can't even go in the direction of his hometown without visiting them , but if i visit it is "short," if I don't it is "disrespect." I don't know anymore. I just want to cuddle my baby and be chill but its a lot of stress on top of work stuff.
sweetT3333 wrote:
Are you and your husband separating? If so you need to contact a lawyer and formerly work out child support and custody. Stop chasing his relatives.
They are his to deal with. If he wants them to know the baby then he must be present and do so on his time. Sorry you are surrounded by AHs. Focus on the baby, finding a groove at work, and making a nice holiday. Remember to take care of yourself. You're important. And so is your time. NTA.
OP responded:
He has started threatening "divorce" every time his family says I "disrespect" them. And Honestly, I just want him to go ahead with it. But I am really afraid to share my child with him/his family. I don't know.
They are giving me bad vibes. I feel like they are doing this more now since we had a baby. Maybe they expected us to be the cool uncle and aunty who gives everything to their children. I don't know. I feel like these issues started after I become pregnant.
similar_pineapple418 wrote:
NTA.
But what country/culture are you from? It sounds like there may be some cultural issues here; as an American the things you are saying blow my mind and don’t quite get.
OP responded:
Understandable. We are South Asians. So there is definitely some cultural expectations here.I think that still doesn't justify his mother dictating everything (which was not the case when we married) and it just frustrates me that I ended up with a Momma's boy and I am just realising it after all these years.
friendlily wrote:
NTA. Where do you live that every male's ego is so fragile and they punish you with pouting and silence. Also, your husband is a damn father. He can't just ignore his baby and the mother of his child. Can you go stay with your family? I would not be married to a guy like this or engage with his family.
OP responded:
I thought he was a great father till this issue. But after him ignoring his child for 21 days...I don't know anymore. I feel like I don't know the man I married. I never thought he could be this heartless ..not only to me, but to his 1-year-old.