'AITA for not wanting to attend a memorial birthday dinner for a classmate who used to bully me?'
"AITA for not wanting to attend a memorial birthday dinner for a classmate who used to bully me?"
Tomorrow would have been my former classmates birthday. He tragically passed away this past April. His grandmother invited our whole class to gather in a restaurant–she herself wont be there–she arranged it just for us. I've decided to not go.
One of my classmates said I'm acting childish and disrespectful by refusing to, saying that I have to honor his memory. The thing is when he was alive we weren't friends or anything. In fact he constantly was bullying me and humiliating me in front of others.
When I first find out he d**d I cried a lot. I went to all the mourning ceremonies and the funeral and it was very emotionally overwhelming and hard for me. I felt guilty for not loving him or remembering him fondly. Of course over time I came to a conclusion that my conflicted feelings aren't making me a bad person.
Now that this birthday dinner is happening I feel no desire to be here. I believe I've already shown my respect enough.
So AITA for choosing not to attend his birthday dinner and prioritizing my own feelings?
The internet kept the comments coming.
Itspeppercorn wrote:
NTA. You have grieved in the way you felt was appropriate and have moved past it. Just because someone has died does not mean it changes how they treated you. If you were rejoicing then yes you would be the asshole, but that seems like far from the case.
Someone dying that you dislike is a very weird thing. A family member who was very, very ab#sive and awful to me passed a couple of years ago. I cried a lot at the funeral but I do not remember her fondly. I don't miss her at all, but I feel for the people who do miss her and got to experience a different version of her than I did.
Fomokitten wrote:
NTA. In high school, a girl who b*llied me was in a car accident and ended up passing away.Everyone kept going on and on about how she’s a wonderful person and such a light upon this earth.
15-year-old ME was asked if I missed her and I was honest and said no, she bullied me, she was not kind, and I was glad she wasn’t in my life anymore.” Don’t go out of your way to say hurtful things to people. But you were 100% able to be honest and say, “this person bullied me, I’m not gonna honor his memory.
PrincessStephanieR wrote:
NTA: just because someone passes away, it doesn’t mean you have to mourn them or go above and beyond. Not every human was kind in their life time. Only you can decide how you feel and it’s perfectly fine to skip this dinner.
ResultDowntown3069 wrote:
I was mercilessly bullied by a FAMILY of kids in grade school. The summer after senior year of high school, 2 of them were in a car accident. One of them d**d, and the other was injured (they were in a jeep, no seat belts, and no roll bar).
I remember feeling numb when it happened. Now, 35 years later, I am glad he is dead; it saved the world some grief. People will grieve a bully; that is their right. That does not mean you have to. NTA.
Trick_Delivery4609 wrote:
NTA.
"Sorry, I have other plans that evening."
You don't have to go. Grandma isn't even going. Is she even paying for everything or just making people go. It is ok to not go. It is okay to not grieve someone who hurt you. It is ok to block the people who aren't being kind and guilting you too.
WhyDrinkKoolAid wrote:
NTA. You should not feel guilty because of someone else's actions and treating you horribly. The fact that you were upset about his passing and even did attend some memorials shows that you are the better person. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong.
Counther wrote:
"One of my classmates said I'm acting childish and disrespectful by refusing to to, saying that I have to honor his memory."
I don't know how old you and your classmates are, but this person's comment is far off the mark.
There's nothing childish or disrespectful in choosing not to go, and you're under no obligation to do so. You can simply tell this person you have honored the deceased in a way that's right for you and your relationship with him.
BlondDee1974 wrote:
NTA. Not everyone has fond memories of people who pass. You can still give your condolences to grandma without being part of his birthday dinner. You can respect her loss while protecting your peace by not being fake.
JeepersCreepers74 wrote:
NTA, although I would personally be tempted to go and sit there smugly enjoying the mere fact that I was alive and cracking jokes in my head about how his grandma had to pay everyone to go to his birthday party.
FlashyHabit3030 wrote:
NTA. You are dealing with emotions that are steeped in memory.
Like you said, you attended the funeral and other services and you’re not obligated to attend a birthday dinner. To me, doing so would be hypocritical.
Why honor the memory of someone whose memory only gives you painful memories.
Stay true to yourself.
That there are many ways to honor someone's memory and you've put a lot of thought into the best way for you to acknowledge the occasion, and it doesn't involve this dinner, as nice as the gesture is.
If they push you, you can say they have no right to tell you how to express your feelings about the person.
And that's the bottom line. No one else gets a say in how you respond to this tragedy.