'AITA for not wanting my baby's middle name connected to my husband's late wife and baby?'

"AITA for not wanting my baby to have a middle name connected to my husband's late wife and baby?"

For some context I'm 34f and my husband is 40m he has a daughter who's 12. 8 years ago my husband lost his wife and child while she was in labor. It took him a while to heal from it and to some extent he still isn't, he's in therapy and I think its helped as much as it could.

Me and my husband just had a baby shower and we found out it is a girl and we've been discussing names and we let my help pick the middle name. My husband suggested Annie (fake name) and his daughter agreed it took a while to click in but I realized who that name belonged too.

I didn’t disagree in front of my stepdaughter as I didn't want to her feeling but then they tried to make a second middle name which was the name of their late baby. I left the room and he followed and he asked why I left and I told him that i didn't like the names they were picking and that I wanted different middle names.

He got mad and said that these are the names he wants for our kid and that my stepdaughter also wants them too and they have meaning behind them and that these names are important to them. I kinda blew up at him and told him that I didn't care and that I didn't want my kid to have those names.

I left the house and went by my sister's house and have been here a week, he said that he still wants those names for the baby and that he gave me first name he should be able to do the other names. I told him that I also made sure he okay with the names before hand.

I tried to have a civil conversation about why I don't the names which mainly went to how his family friends and everyone else compare me to her whether its my cooking, looks, how I take care of his daughter, and even my pregnancy, and explained that I don't want my kid to have the same name as the woman I'm always compared to.

He still didn't understand and said that the names are important to him and that he really wants apart of them still in his life. I dont know what to do. Multiple people have told me im wrong and that its important to him and I should let him do it but i don't know aitah? Also sorry for the ranting but I will try to answer questions and respond.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Shi-D said:

Honestly OP, I don't think he was ready for marriage or a baby. In situations like this when you lose your partner so tragically, you never quite get over it and he probably sees this girl you're having as the girl he lost with his first love. Now I'm not saying he doesn't love you but it seems like he was looking for a mom for his first daughter or someone to help him raise her and have more kids with him to fill that hole.

If that wasn't the case why would he let everyone and their mother keep comparing you to his dead wife? I guess it's all their loss too but it's supremely unfair to not even consider how it might affect you every time they say it. You need to have a talk with your partner IN therapy and let him know how all of this feels to you respectfully and go from there.

I think it's weird that he wants to name his new kid the name of his old kid or wife as she has no connection to you. I'm sure he'd be just as upset if you wanted to name your kid after your dead husband or the child you had with him that passed.

Bibliophile_w_coffee said:

NTA. I would have this conversation in front of a therapist. This isn’t just a name. This is telling a new baby that they will never be the baby you lost and you aren’t over it. This is not allowing a new baby to be themselves, to make them carry the burden of your grief ever day of their life.

They never get to be themselves, they have to be a legacy, a lost future. This “doesn’t have meaning” it is cruel. He can’t erase his pain by making a new baby carry it.

Marlow1771 said:

This man has not gotten over his loss. I’m so sorry you’re having a child with him. NTA.

Proud_Fee_1542 said:

NTA. Imagine when your child gets older and they realize they were named after her dad’s late child and partner. They’ll feel like they were just a replacement.

It’s stripping your child of having her own identity and also is massively disrespectful to you as the mother of the child when you say no to a name. Naming a child is a two person decision (and that doesn’t include any other kids!), if one parent says no then it’s a no.