'AITA for not wanting my best friend to know that her boyfriend is cheating on her?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting my best friend to know that her boyfriend is cheating on her?"
I (27F) caught my best friend’s fiancé cheating on her…. They we’re dating for maybe 4and a half year…I still can’t believe what I saw today. My best friend, Emma (26F), has always been careful with who she lets into her life, and she thought she had found the perfect man in Jake (28M)… I trusted him too -until today.
I am Jake’s coworker (we work for the same company), but in a different sector, so we don’t see each other very much at work. I hadn’t gone to the office for two days, so I received a call from my office asking me to submit some papers.
I went in just to drop them off. When I was leaving the office and in the parking lot, I saw Jake. Not just texting a girl, not just flirting ….he was physically with another girl (I’ll call her Lisa; she is also a coworker…. I think she is married as well).
Kissing her, holding her close, acting like there was nothing wrong with what he was doing while my best friend’s world had just been shaken three days ago. Emma’s father had passed recently, and here he was, betraying her in broad daylight.
I didn’t know what to do; this isn’t even my relationship, but I just wanted to cry at that moment… And no, I didn’t take any pictures because I wasn’t in my senses. I didn’t know what to do; I was just so angry!
I didn’t hesitate. I walked straight up to him, keeping my tone calm, and said, “Wow, Jake. Does Emma know you’re out here, playing the perfect boyfriend while doing this with someone else?”
His eyes went wide, and suddenly he was stammering and glitching… trying to explain, trying to apologize, trying to pull away. The girl with him even whispered something about how “he’s gonna marry Emma anyway,” as if that justifies their actions! Aaggghh, I was about to pull her hair…
He tried to argue, tried to grab my attention, begging me not to tell Emma. While I was about to leave the parking lot, he grabbed my arm, still telling me not to tell Emma. Mind you, that was a big parking lot, so there weren’t many people around.
Now, looking back, I know maybe he didn’t have bad intentions, but at that moment I was really scared. He looked like a psychopath. I told him to F-off… I grabbed my keys and left the parking lot shaking. I was so angry that I have no memory of driving home until now.
Later, he even texted me, admitting everything and sending apologies, which I screenshot immediately. Proof that he is a cheater, proof that he is a liar, proof that he can’t be trusted.
But here is the issue: I haven’t told Emma yet. She’s grieving, and I know I couldn’t just stay quiet forever. I’m stuck between wanting her to know the truth immediately and wanting to protect her from double pain.
Her father was concerned about Emma because she doesn’t have anyone else but him. She was even consoling her father on his deathbed, saying that Jake was going to take care of her… Every time I went to meet Emma’s dad, he would say how excited he was to walk his daughter down the aisle.
They were about to get married in six months, but the date was brought forward because her father wanted to see her get married before he passed away …but still, he didn’t get to.
It’s infuriating knowing Emma trusts Jake so completely while he’s out here acting like he’s untouchable. Now I think it would have been better if I had never known about this. I don’t know what I’d do if the roles were reversed…
So, what should I do now? Should I tell her now? If not now, then when?
Edit: I am definitely gonna tell her ….. but I don’t know the right time!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
If you willingly let your best friend marry this AH, you are not her friend and you are just as bad as he is.
N0neOfYourBiz (OP)
Obviously I don’t want her to marry him! But I don’t know how to tell her bcz her dad passed away few days ago….
YTA. You have to tell her asap. She would prefer to grieve alone than grieve with a man who’s lying to her and cheating on her. DO NOT be another person who betrays her. Tell her in person, go and see her while Jake is at work. Don’t let her marry a cheater. If I were her and you didn’t tell me. I would never forgive you.
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
So here’s the update. I called Emma and told her that I wanted to meet her, but she wasn’t at her house. She was at her father’s place and also sick. She said she wanted me to come to her house, but I knew it was full of her so-called relatives.
So I told her I’d rather meet outside or at my place. She agreed to come over, and as soon as she arrived, she started crying about her father again. I comforted her and reminded her how important she is.
Eventually, I came to the point and told her everything I saw that Jake was cheating on her with a co-worker. She didn’t even ask who, so I told her it was Lisa. She already knew Lisa because Jake had introduced her to his colleagues, but she told me Lisa had always given her the cold shoulder.
After that, I noticed Emma’s hands shaking. She stopped talking completely -it was like her whole world just collapsed in front of her. She didn’t cry, didn’t say a single word. I told her I had proof: screenshots and messages, including the ones where Jake apologized to me.
My phone was in the bedroom, so I went to grab it. But when I came back, Emma was gone. Her car was still outside, so I thought maybe she was in the washroom. But no ….she wasn’t in my house at all. I rushed out, grabbed my keys, and started driving around.
That’s when I saw her nearby, barefoot, walking aimlessly. I rolled down the window and begged her to get in the car, but she didn’t even seem to hear me. She looked completely lost. I grabbed her hand and pulled her inside. She still wasn’t talking.
After a while, she finally said: “I’m left with no one. Maybe God doesn’t want me to be happy.” Then she hugged me and broke down, crying like a baby, non-stop. Every cry was a raw, physical ache; a pain that resonated deep inside, as if her heartbreak was now my own.
I drove her back to my house, told her to take a shower, made her favorite food, and kept reminding her how much she deserves better that her father always wanted to see her happy, that she should never settle for someone who treats her like this, that she’s the sweetest and most innocent girl in the world and she deserves everything good.
I also explained why I told her in the evening instead of right after I caught Jake -that I was worried and scared of her reaction. She understood. She admitted Jake had been calling her all day, pretending to “check on her,” but now she realized he was really just trying to figure out if I had told her anything.
Soon enough, Jake started blowing up her phone with nonstop calls, texts, and voice messages, begging her to talk one-on-one so he could “explain himself.” I told Emma to just answer once and then block him, but she said she didn’t even have the energy, so she switched her phone off. Every few minutes she kept breaking down again, asking, “What did I do wrong? Why is this happening to me?”
Then suddenly, there was a constant knock at my door. We were upstairs, and when I went down, Jake started pounding on it harder. I told Emma I’d call the police because he was acting scary. But Emma asked for her phone, opened it, and called Jake while he was still outside.
She told him to leave. Instead, he started begging, saying he just needed “five minutes” to explain how he couldn’t live without her, how he had no choice but to do what he did. Emma asked if she could let him in for a few minutes. I didn’t want to, but it was her pain, her decision. So we let him in.
Of course, his “five minutes” turned into half an hour of pure nonsense…..how much he loved her, how she could even sleep with another man to make it “equal,” how Emma was the only woman he ever loved that way.
When Emma asked how long his affair with Lisa had been going on, he said “only a year”… as if 365 days meant nothing. Finally, I told him to leave or I’d call the police. He turned on me, yelling that I was a “homewrecker,” that I was ruining their relationship, and that I’d regret this forever if Emma left him. Absolute nonsense.
Emma finally snapped a little …she told him to get out and gave him one day to move his stuff because it’s her house. That was the first moment she stopped crying, maybe because she realized what kind of garbage she’d been dealing with.
To lighten her up, I even joked about Lisa, saying men always cheat with the “easiest one”… and trust me, Lisa really is the easiest one. That made Emma laugh a little. Then I told her I wanted to inform Lisa’s husband.
Emma said she first wanted to talk to Lisa herself. So I asked a colleague for Lisa’s social media, messaged her, and called. Emma spoke to her, and oh my God….. Lisa is the ultimate victim-player. She told Emma that she thought Jake and Emma had broken up, which is why she hooked up with him otherwise she would have never do that!
I immediately called her out because Lisa had told me herself earlier (when I caught them) that “Jake was going to marry Emma anyway.” She denied ever saying that, then admitted it, then backtracked again.
Emma asked her: “Even if you think that we have broken up, why would you get involved with another person when you are married? And on top of that, you’re married with two kids!” Lisa claimed she and her husband were in an open relationship (but didn’t admit it publicly).
Honestly, I believed it for a second, because who else makes out in a parking lot like that? But then again, she lied about knowing Emma and Jake were still together, so I think the “open relationship” thing was another lie. Anyway, Emma didn’t want to deal with that stinky side chick anymore, so she hung up.
Fast forward: I want the security footage from the parking lot, but authorities are not going to give me the footage without police involvement. So I got the dashcam footage. It wasn’t crystal clear because they were on the other side of a wall, but you could definitely see enough.
Anyone who knew them would understand what was happening. I also had call recordings of Lisa but I didn’t want legal trouble, so I only clipped one part where Lisa admitted she hooked up with Jake because she and her husband were supposedly in an open relationship.
I sent that, plus the screenshots and footage, to Lisa’s husband. I told him: “I don’t care if you’re in an open relationship or not, next time tell your wife to spread her legs for a single guy or some jerk with ‘open relationships’ like her, not someone else’s fiancé.”
Later, I wondered if I was too harsh. But in the morning, Lisa’s husband called me and said they were never in an open relationship ……Lisa was just cheating. Now he wants paternity tests for his kids.
He also wanted to apologize to Emma, but she said he had nothing to apologize for. I haven’t heard from Lisa’s husband since then. I also reported Jake and Lisa to HR. Since Jake isn’t married, they couldn’t fire him, but he did lose some big projects because their affair happened on office property.
Lisa will definitely face consequences too because the security cameras caught them… (they checked the CCTV camera because they wanted more solid proof, so I told them to check the footage and they not only caught once but multiple times).
I can’t say whether she will lose her job because it wasn’t long before this report was made. Some of my friends were in the HR department. I made the emergency report through them, but she’s definitely in deep trouble.
Jake is still trying to reach Emma from different numbers, but she keeps blocking him. And yes, Emma is not in a good place because she’s still having panic attacks and anxiety attacks but I know she is going to be the best version of herself!
And I also booked a therapy session for her, so she is going to attend that. I’m going to support her every step of the way to build a better life, because she deserves so much more.
So for everyone who thought I was an AH for waiting, just know, I only waited maybe 4 to 6 hours before telling her due to her condition. Thanks to everyone who encouraged me and gave me ideas on how to approach this. God bless you all.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Glad she finally knows. Hope she is able to heal soon and move forward. No one deserves to be cheated on. Just break up and then pursue other people. Hope things start looking better so she can realize the problem was never her.
Big props for looking out for your friend and making sure she’s actually supported through all of this.
Agreed. Thank you for backing Emma and not leaving her to deal with Jake alone. ALSO if he starts stirring the pot on socials you still have proof. I know it might have seemed like we were all jumping down your throat about telling her sooner rather than later but truly we just wanted the best possible outcome for you both.
Waiting would only have given Jake and Lisa time and leverage. So I’m proud you did the hard thing.