'AITA for not wanting my boyfriend to go on a vacation with his soon-to-be-ex wife?'
"AITA for not wanting my boyfriend to go on a vacation with his soon-to-be-ex wife?"
My (32F) boyfriend "BF"(38M) and I started dating 6 months ago. When we met, he was in a polyamorous marriage with his wife "Elsa" w/no kids. I was clear that even though I wouldn't be able to do it forever, I wanted to enjoy our relationship while we could.
BF agreed & we talked often about the inevitable end. One day, he ends things because he wanted to work on his marriage. I didn't put up a fight as I just want him to be happy in the long run.
One week later he says that he's leaving Elsa. He said he wasn't leaving "because" of me, but that I "shed light" on unmet needs & that he wasn't "in love" with her. We talked about taking space & he insisted we stay together during this time.
I was skeptical and shared my concern about him not having a strong sense of self outside of his marriage & made a joke about needing his therapist to give his approval. BF went to therapy and reported that him and his therapist were confident that he was ready for this relationship.
He told me that Elsa is his best friend and he's not ready to change that. I said that I understand he is ending a very significant relationship and I will try to hold space for that.
BF is continuing to pay his half of the rent AND utilities for the apartment they shared because Elsa couldn't afford it alone. He has taken her grocery shopping because she can't afford food.
I haven't taken made an issue of these things & I know he just wants Elsa to be okay. They have a couples costume that they are doing at some event soon. Doesn't feel great, but I know they've been planning it for months. I'm trying to be patient, I know it is typical to have a hard time disentangling from a long term partner.
BF's parents bought plane tickets & a hotel room for BF and Elsa to go to Hawaii in February before all of this went down. BF wants to go with Elsa to Hawaii. BF told me that Elsa would never be able to afford to go to Hawaii in her lifetime.
He said she can't go without him because it would be weird for her to go if they "aren't together". BF went on to talk about how his family is her only family. I also don't have any blood relatives I consider family so he knows I am sensitive to this. BF has been blown away that I don't want him to go with her and has been stuck on it.
When we've talked about it, I brought up my concern about them sharing a room. He said something along the lines of "you think we're sharing a room?" But hasn't mentioned anything about having a different room, I highly doubt his mother will pay for an additional room or let him crash on their room's couch, & I know he can't afford one.
I have offered to take a break, but if he needed more than one month I wouldn't make promises about waiting for him. BF has been very upset around the idea of me not waiting and with other pressures he would not want to get back together if we did split. BF acknowledged that he has a really hard time not keeping his word about promises he made, and briefly acknowledged that these things also impact us.
Also relevant is his frustration that I don't fully trust him. I've had some horrible relationships before & have been worried about being a stereotype affair partner. He has made comments and we've had discussions about being unsure about our relationship.
I see that it's hard for him, but it's hard when he still makes comments about being uncertain in our relationship. For me, going to Hawaii feels less about him potentially sleeping with Elsa & more about him not being willing to let go of that part of his life.
AITA for not wanting my boyfriend to go on a family vacation with his soon-to-be ex wife?
Edit: Boyfriend is living at his parents house & has started divorce process.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
YTA. Paragraphs are your friend. If you’re not into polyamory and you’re a monogamous person, don’t choose to date people who are interested in having multiple simultaneous relationships. You chose this completely against your instincts and best interests.
He told you that his wife is his best friend. He agrees there’s some codependency there. His wife isn’t going anywhere. He’s trying to clean things up so it appears monogamous enough for you, but his wife will always be a part of his life. If that’s not for you, go and find someone who isn’t already married.
ESH-your bf isn't getting divorced. If I were you I would also be wondering if he and Elsa were ever really in a poly relationship.
ESH. Firstly you aiming for monogamy with a MARRIED man. And secondly OP this man is taking you for a ride. He clearly is still in love and deeply intertwined with Elsa. Why are you a willing participant of this train wreck? I promise there are other men in the world for you to date.
YTA for getting involved with someone in a different lifestyle knowing you didn’t want to be in that lifestyle.
ESH. OP, he’s never going to leave her and he’s just saying what he has to in order to keep you around. He still lives with her and is MARRIED. He pays her bills, hangs out, wants to go on expensive trips with her instead of you. He’s given no indication he plans on cutting her off.
He even told you they’re still best friends and part of his family. You may want to be in a monogamous relationship but he sure doesn’t. You’re being naive and are “the other woman” in this relationship. Has he even introduced you to his family? Especially introducing you as his girlfriend and telling his family he’s going to divorce Elsa? No?
You never said anything about him moving out from her, her being financially independent from him, or even that he’s filed divorce papers. If he actually wanted to be in a relationship with you, why wouldn’t he take you to Hawaii? Or even buy you a plane ticket since you’d be sharing a hotel room so that cost is covered.
Maybe it’s because he and Elsa are fully planning on sharing a room and (probably) a bed. I’m sorry for being harsh but if he actually planned on separating from her he would have taken steps. What motivation does he have to divorce her for you if they’re obviously “best friends” and still pays bills as a married couple?