'AITA for not wanting to change bars because a friend didn't want to be in the dive?'

"AITA for not wanting to change bars because a friend doesn’t smoke?"

My friends and I were out one night at a local dive bar where indoor smoking is allowed. We were having a good time, drinking beer, smoking, and just sitting and talking. At some point, someone from a university group chat messaged asking if anyone was out. It wasn’t a planned group thing, just one person checking (very normal within the group).

We replied that we were at this dive bar. They asked if they could join, and we said yes. About 10–15 minutes later, they messaged again asking if we were still at the same bar. We said we were. They then asked if we wanted to move to a different bar because they don’t smoke.

For some background: when we usually go out with people from uni, we almost always go to non-smoking bars, which is fine with me, I’ll just step outside when I want a cig.

The issue for me and my friends is that many of those bars play music so loudly that it’s hard to talk, and we mostly enjoy just sitting and chatting when we go out. That night, we were enjoying the quieter dive bar and didn’t feel like moving.

So we replied that we didn’t really want to change bars, but that they were still welcome to join us. The tone of the conversation changed after that, and they replied something like, “Wow, so you don’t want to hang out with me?” We were kinda dumbfounded. We told them it wasn’t about that at all, they were welcome, but we just didn’t want to move bars.

They then said we were being AHs for not being willing to accommodate them, since they don’t smoke and didn’t want to smell like smoke for a week afterward. I understand that concern, knowing how my own clothes smell after the bar, even if I think “smelling like smoke for a week” is an exaggeration.

We replied that we often go to non-smoking bars with uni friends, but this time we just wanted to stay where we were. Their last message said they thought we were better friends than this and that we were being inconsiderate.

So…AITA (or are we) for not wanting to change bars?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Rich-Pirate-4745 wrote:

The manipulation tactic of "wow, you don't want to hang out with me?" when you literally said come on over shows exactly what kind of person this friend is. The entitlement of expecting a group of people to change everything for their single wishes drives the point home. NTA.

Catskilkid wrote:

NTA. Beggars can't be choosers. She was alone and looking to hang out with anyone in the group chat and you and your group were where you wanted to be. She apparently now is trying to shame the group for her convenience when you all were comfortable and still inviting to her.

She absolutely has the right not to go to a bar or any place she does not want to. She is the AH trying to FORCE/MANIPULATE you all to conform to her, (the person who is looking for people to to hang out with who are ALREADY situated). Is she entitled, yes, is she manipulative, yes, is she still invited, yes, BUT you are NTA.

Street-Length9871 wrote:

I'm sorry I just can't help but ask where is there a bar in this day and age where smoking is allowed inside. I remember a day when this was the opposite situation so often, smokers would be like I am not going here because I can't smoke. Anyway, NTA, the person who does not smoke joined an in progress hang out.

Either don't come or come, it is so entitled to think that "you don't want to hang with them" when the truth is that person is being demanding you literally change bars, sorry but one night does not mean you don't want to hang out with her. It is one night and she was late to the party.

BefuddledPolydactyls wrote:

NTA. You all were settled in, relaxing, chatting and having a good time. "Friend" requests to join, you accept and then...she wants to move the venue. No, you explained it wasn't about her, but she's suddenly made your entire evening about her. You all can obviously go where you want, and she can accept or decline. Her ascribing different motives than reality to you all is a her problem, not yours.

Lighthouse_on_mars wrote:

NTA. I had pneumonia twice growing up. I can't be around people smoking. I literally can't breathe. 🫠 That being said, I also know that most of society caters to people like me who can't be around smoking, or people who just don't want to be around smoking.

I can't remember the last time I was in any establishment that allowed smoking, lol. You and your friends are allowed to have one night at a place you prefer every once in awhile. And it's okay if some people end up being left out. It's unfair to expect you never to go to a certain establishment just because it doesn't mean the needs of one or two people.

nefarious_planet wrote:

NTA. They asked what you were up to and if they could join, and you told them. From there, it’s up to them if your activity interests them or not. But uh, yeah, “smelling like smoke for a week” is not an exaggeration after an evening in a place that allows indoor smoking.

Smokers are often nose-blind to it, but the odor gets into everything and is very hard to get out of clothing and hair. An evening in an enclosed space where people are smoking cigarettes sounds like hell to me too, so I get their disappointment even if you were under no obligation to change your plans.

RolandDeepson wrote:

NTA but "smelling like smoke for a week" is abso-fucking-lutely NOT an exaggeration. Smoking dulls your sense of smell. This is proven. You, as a smoker, will ALWAYS smell like a moldy ashtray for several days after your last puff. If you smoke more than once a week, the smell is permanent and consistent. Always. Yes, even when you check and can swear that you've gotten rid of the smell.