'AITA for not wanting to forgive my brother after he kicked me out and minimized my breakdown?'

"AITA for not wanting to forgive my brother after he kicked me out and minimized my breakdown?"

I’m F(25). My brother is M(40). Our dad died when I was 12, and my brother said he would be a father to me. But even before that, I was extremely close to him. I was the baby, the favorite. We even had nicknames only we used (and still do).

Last year, after graduating college, I moved to be closer to my girlfriend and continue my career. My brother lives there and had a spare room he already planned for me, so I moved in.

I’ll be honest: my career stalled. I’ve been doing freelance work, helping a LOT with his Airbnb, doing social media/design jobs. I contribute to bills, I clean a lot, I don’t cause problems. Still, professionally, I’ve been stuck, and according to him that “boils his blood.” Yesterday everything exploded.

He said if I didn’t change my life immediately, starting the next day, he’d kick me out. We argued, my mom was on the call, I said I’d change. I spent literally 9 hours straight fixing my LinkedIn, résumé, and applying to jobs. Later that same day, over something unrelated (me very politely asking him to pay me my share of the Airbnb, as agreed), he snapped again and kicked me out for real.

Said he’d rent my room that same day and I could maybe stay in his office for up to a month. I begged for a week. He agreed. I completely broke down. Cried for hours. He sent me a 9-minute voice message saying he could hear me crying and that I needed to stop being dramatic and “swallow my crying.”

In basically every fight, he says everyone agrees with him. That my family thinks I’m lazy, annoying, a burden. That my friends think the same. He says everyone who knows me feels this way. Today, he did what he always does: acted like nothing happened. Made me breakfast. Talked normally. No apology. Almost like I wasn’t kicked out anymore?? IDK.

This is a clear pattern. He explodes, says really cruel stuff, then circles back being nice. My mom keeps saying “you know how he is” or “tomorrow he’ll be calmer.” She says he loves me and only talks like that because he cares. She thinks I’m being dramatic for saying this isn’t something I’ll forget easily.

I’m tired of always being the one expected to forgive. Why is it always on me to forgive and never on him to earn it? I’m 100% sure that if asked, he’d say he did nothing wrong and doesn’t need to apologize. For context: during another argument recently, I literally fainted. While I was on the floor, he said that proved I’m weak. Later I spent over an hour trying to make him see why that was wrong.

My girlfriend is furious on my behalf. She says I forgive way too easily (true) and that this pattern won’t change. She thinks this crossed a line and I need to leave. My mom is on the opposite extreme: forgive and forget no matter what.

Right now I’m focused on finding a job and a place to live. I have two cats that are my babies, which makes leaving harder. If it weren’t for them, I’d have left immediately.

So…would I be TA if I didn’t forgive him? Should I?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Nycrech wrote:

You don’t have to forgive him, however, not to be rude but it sounds like you’re the golden child and feel entitled to what he has. Have you ever considered he may be frustrated with being forced to parent you and care for you. It sounds like both you and your mom expect him to provide for you, even if you still “contribute."

I use quotations since while you hopefully contribute what you can afford, it’s probably not what an independent adult contributes for their own care. You’re fortunate for that. It also sounds like you emotionally manipulate him.

I’ll be honest, fainting over an argument? Crying so loud for hours so he has to listen to you? That’s emotional manipulation to me. Even if you don’t mean it to be. Maybe take some time for yourself and then have a serious conversation with your brother about your relationship? You have every right not to forgive him and wouldn’t be TAH if you chose that.

OP responded:

We split house bills 50/50 and I’m for sure not the golden child lol, maybe my brother used to feel like that when i was a kid but me and my mom were always the one who fought the most. My sister, the only straight, married with kids one, is for sureeee the golden child. That is something me and my brother agree.

lihzee wrote:

"So…would I be TA if I didn’t forgive him? Should I?"

Forgive him or don't, what difference does it make when you're relying on him for shelter? Why don't you move in with your mother or your girlfriend or something?

OP responded:

We are right now looking for a place for us, so hopefully soon I’ll be out and then I’ll be able to decide if i should go minimal contact or something.

Newgirlkat wrote:

Unfortunately right now you're relying on him for shelter. Be polite as you would be to a stranger. Do your duties, if he starts to pick a fight just say OK you're right, in the calmest tone possible, and leave the room or go to the toilet whatever, just remove yourself physically from the argument and his presence.

Until you make enough money to leave safely DO NOT pick a fight DO NOT say anything about how you're looking to move out how you can't wait to leave, nothing. Your plans are yours. Do your duties and keep your head down. WHEN you leave, that's when you can decide what relationship you want to have with him going forward.

You don't have to forgive someone if you don't want to, which it seems clear you don't, especially when they don't even have any remorse or regret and expect you to take it and never ask for forgiveness. But right now, I'm sorry but unfortunately you don't have the luxury of antagonizing him. Sucks, but is the reality until you have somewhere else to safely be and stay.

OP wrote:

Extra info: I’ve worked every single year while in college, supported myself during that time because I was living alone and renting an apartment. My cats are adults, that I support alone. We share the house bills 50/50 and i’m able to do that because of freelance and also cause I have money saved.

I was not crying loudly, I was in my room with the door closed. and about the fainting episode, it was not intentional obviously, i don’t even know how I could intentionally faint???

To manipulate him as someone said lol I actually fell because even tho i could feel my head getting dizzy I tried so hard to get it together because fainting would not help me at all. If I was trying to manipulate him it would be a fail and very dumb bc I KNEW he would think it’s drama.

Juniplove wrote:

Info: what is your mom doing? Even if your dad passed your mom is still the parent. Your brother should have felt he needed to take on the role of parent.

OP responded:

He said that with no pressure and he was never reeaaaally a father since he move out when I was 7 and never came back home, my mom and even sister cared for me when I was little (since my mom had to work full time).

HappyWeekend69 wrote:

Sounds like it’s time to grow up and don’t expect your brother to pay for your life. I would be pissed too if an adult lived in my home and wasn’t actively looking for a job, expecting me pay their way.

And sounds like that’s what your brother is feeling too, you said it yourself, you’re the baby, the favorite. And I think he’s getting tired of having to pay your way. Move out, that’s the only way your relationship will get better, when you stop mooching off him.