'AITA for not wanting a guy I barely know to propose at my Friendsgiving?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not wanting a guy I barely know to propose at my Friendsgiving?"

Hi all,

I (31M) host a Friendsgiving/Thanksgiving dinner every year before actual Thanksgiving.

Family and close friends come over, we do the traditional feast, games, activities... pretty normal stuff. This year we invited a friend, "Jackie." We've played games with her online for years, but only met her in person this past March.

She brought her new partner, "Mike" (30M). None of us really liked him, mostly because he insists on bringing up politics in literally any conversation, but he seemed like a decent enough guy otherwise. For context, Jackie and Mike had only been dating for about a month we met him, so a very new relationship.

We invited Jackie to Friendsgiving this year, and we're told Mike wouldn't make it due to work. Cool. No big deal.

Until tonight.

I get a text from Mike. Not Jackie...MIKE! He says he can actually come to Friendsgiving after all, but he doesn't want Jackie to know. Then he tells me he'll arrive around 6 PM and that we need to be ready to take a "bunch of picture"s because this crazy b*stard wants to propose to her at my Friendsgiving.

Here's the thing...even though we've known Jackie for years, we don't know her super well personally. We rarely talked about our real lives while gaming. Only in the past 10 months has she become more involved in the friend group outside of talking about League of Legends. We don't know much about her relationship with Mike. I don't even know if they live together.

And again-I have met this man ONE TIME in my entire life.

What really gets me is that he's already taken off work, bought the ring, made a whole plan, didn't consult me, and basically just told me, "This is what I'm doing at your Friendsgiving, are you cool with that?"

Like it's a done deal. A week and a half before Friendsgiving!

Friendsgiving is usually for my immediate family because on actual Thanksgiving I go to my fiancé’s family's house.

So it feels really weird to have a guy I barely know propose at my house to a friend I care about buy don't know in terms of their personal/romantic life. I don't know if she even wants to get married. I don't know if this kind of rushed, half-baked proposal is something she'd appreciate. Not only that, but I really don't want to be complicit in a potentially disastrous moment.

I want to tell no. But I also feel bad because Jackie doesn't have many friends in this state, and her family lives across the country. I get why Mike thinks this is the perfect setting.. There's people she knows, a big gathering-but I think he wildly misunderstands how close we all are and is putting me in a super uncomfortable position. AITA if I tell Mike he can't propose at my Friendsgiving.

TL;DR - My friend’s bf wants to propose at our family/friends Thanksgiving. Planned everything out without telling me, took off work got the ring, and then finally messages me telling me he needs me to take pictures and videos. I don’t want this potentially disastrous proposal to ruin my friends and families Thanksgiving.

Edit: In my post, I originally stated that he said “this is what I’m doing at your Friendsgiving, are you cool with that?”. But actually, he DIDN'T ask.

He simply said “I want to make it a surprise for Jackie, I pulled some strings to get the day off, but I told her I was doing some drills the weekend of Friendsgiving. I just need some to take some pictures and videos. Can you do that?” He never actually asked me if I was okay with it. He just asked me to take pictures and videos!

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Fun-Dot2602 wrote:

NTA. It's your home and if you're not comfortable with it, then tell him no. I would guide him and say it would be better for him to prepare his own special event as it would be more meaningful than proposing to her in front of your family (and close friends). And if he still doesn't take the hint, then I would repeat you're not comfortable with him doing so and revoke* his invitation.

Ok_Passenger7466 wrote:

NTA. Mike has known you for one (1) dinner and somehow decided he’s both The Bachelor producer and location scout, booking your Friendsgiving as his free proposal venue without actually asking you. That’s not romance, that’s main-character syndrome.

Proposals at other people’s events are already dicey even when everyone is super close. But a guy you barely know, hijacking a family-adjacent holiday you host every year, and drafting you as surprise photographer? Absolutely not.

Text him something like:

“Hey Mike, congrats on wanting to propose, but Friendsgiving isn’t the place for it. It’s a family tradition for us, and I’m not comfortable turning it into an engagement event. You’re welcome to come, but there can’t be a proposal here.”

If he pushes back, that’s your sign to uninvite him entirely. If he can’t respect “my house, my rules” before marriage, I’d hate to see what he’s like after.

HorseyGirlWH wrote:

My husband asked me in front of no one but myself and my (now) husband. I don't get asking in front of a group of people, what if she says No or feels pressured to say Yes? Tell him No, he can find a more romantic place to propose than at someone else's party. You're NTA.

StrangeronReddit wrote:

NTA. Just say something like "hey Mike, I have to be honest, we are friends with Jackie but I wouldn't say we are that close to host such a special moment for her. I don't think this friendsgiving is the appropriate setting for that and I feel it could be uncomfortable. I hope you understand."

cheesecup6 wrote:

"Sorry man, 2 people in my family/the friend group are actually in the middle of 2 kind of messy divorces. I worry about how it might make them feel right now to see that." Idk if I'm kidding or not, but if you need an excuse and don't want to just outright tell him no...NTA.

Tough_Try_5056 wrote:

NTA.

"Mike, I'm glad to hear you can make it after all, but this event is not an appropriate place to do that kind of thing. My friends and family will all be together, celebrating the holiday and it wouldn't be appropriate to shift the focus."

"If you think Jackie wants a proposal with her friends present, we should discuss how to make that happen on another occasion that can be all about the proposal but this is just not the time and place. I'm not comfortable with it and my guests wouldn't be either." Just shut. It. Down.

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

Update: I received a lot of helpful replies. Last night I decided to paint Mike a better picture of what kind of event this would be and who all would be attending, to gently tell him this may not be the best time or place to do this.

I also told him plans were already made and set to be at 3pm so his arrival time of 6pm wouldn’t work. He has yet to reply to me yet he’s posting on his Instagram story as I type this out. It’s been over 12 hours. Will update when something happens

Update 2: After my text, Mike responded stating that he would just arrive earlier and explained that Jackie’s ideal proposal was a New Year’s Eve type proposal with close friends, but not a crowd, so this event was perfect.

He also said she told him it must be recorded. I asked if he knew how she wanted to be dressed for the proposal since the videos and pictures are going to be something they look back on. He did not know how she wanted to be dressed, but assumed a “little dressy.”

He told me to record from his POV and have someone else record from her POV as he’s walking into the house while everyone is eating, then he’d propose after he walked through the door.

I’m starting to see that his plan is not aligning with her ideal proposal.

I reiterated that this was an event where I’m hosting my family and my friends from childhood/college. She will only know about 5 people out of the 17. So this probably isn’t going to fit the close friends/not a crowd vibe she asked for. I also explained it’s super casual and not a dressy thing, and the last event I invited her to she showed up in sweats.

I told Mike that I loved his idea of surprising Jackie and should definitely still come because it will make her day. It just didn’t seem like good timing since we never got to plan it together and it felt like a last minute heads up for something so important for both of them. I ended it by saying we would all pitch in to set up something special and on a small scale for them.

Mike didn’t respond for a few days. I reach out again this morning asking if he saw my text. He said “Sorry, just saw this.

I’ve already reschedule with work (which is really difficult to do). I was able to encourage her to wear a dress.

I’ve been planting seeds for this. Sorry, I’ll need to think about it.” I didn’t respond immediately so I could think of how to say it again. Before I could respond, he messaged me again saying he spoke to his brother who agreed with me about if Jackie didn’t know majority of the people there then it wouldn’t fit what she was wanting.

He said he’s now going to pivot and set up something special for the two of them at home the next day, and he will still come and surprise her and join us for dinner and games. Sorry for not having a climatic ending like many of you were hoping for. But I feel this is the best case scenario! Thank you for all your help and replies, it really helped me navigate this weird situation!