'AITA for not wanting my husband’s best friend to live with us after he got divorced?'
"AITA for not wanting my husband’s best friend to live with us after he got divorced?"
mia_fern
I (29F) have been married to my husband, Tom (31M), for four years. Tom has a best friend, Ryan (31M), whom he's known since childhood. They’ve always been close, and Ryan was even Tom's best man at our wedding.
I've always liked Ryan; he's funny and has always been supportive of Tom, but recently, our dynamic has shifted in a way that’s making me very uncomfortable. Two months ago, Ryan's wife filed for divorce, and it’s been really rough on him.
He didn't see it coming, and he’s been devastated.
He moved out of their house and has been staying in a small, temporary apartment all while he figures things out.
Naturally, Tom has been there for him, and I’ve tried to be as supportive as I can. I made meals for Ryan, invited him over for dinner a few times a week, and listened when he needed to talk. I really wanted to help.
Last week, Tom came to me and said that Ryan’s lease on his temporary apartment was up, and he didn’t have anywhere to go. Tom suggested that Ryan move in with us for a while, maybe six months, until he’s back on his feet.
He was very casual about it, like it was no big deal. But to me, it is a big deal. Tom and I both work full-time, and we’ve finally been getting to a good place financially. We bought our first house a year ago, and we’re trying to start a family soon. The idea of having Ryan move in, even temporarily, felt like a huge disruption to our lives.
I told Tom that I wasn’t comfortable with Ryan living with us long-term. I suggested we could help Ryan find a new apartment and even offered to chip in for his first month’s rent if money was tight.
Tom, however, didn’t take it well. He said that Ryan is like a brother to him, and that if we were in the same situation, Ryan wouldn’t hesitate to help us. He said Ryan had nowhere else to go and that he couldn’t turn his back on his best friend in his time of need.
The argument got pretty heated. I tried explaining that it’s not about me not liking Ryan, but that I value our privacy and want to focus on our marriage and starting our own family.
Tom accused me of being selfish and said that I only cared about myself. He even suggested that if I loved him, I’d be willing to sacrifice for the people he loves too. Since then, things have been tense between us, and Tom has been distant.
Ryan doesn’t know any of this, as far as I’m aware. He’s still staying in his temporary apartment for another couple of weeks, and I know Tom wants me to change my mind.
I feel terrible because I know Ryan’s going through a lot, but I also think it’s fair for me to have a say in who lives in our home. My own parents think I should just let Ryan stay, saying that it’s what family does, but my friends are on my side, saying that it’s too much to ask of me. So, AITA for not wanting my husband’s best friend to move in with us after his divorce?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
cthulularoo
6 months off the bat seems pretty premeditated. I don't believe that Ryan is clueless about this. Tom and Ryan sure as hell has talked about this. NTA, you have valid reasons for not wanting a third person in your new family. And long term guests would always be a 2 yes, 1 no scenario anyway. Just be careful if your husband is buying art supplies.
Klutzy-Performance97
If he didn’t lose his job, what is the problem with him getting an apartment or finding roommates somewhere else??
Sweet-Interview5620
I still remember that post and the art room dedicated to his male lover in the home he shared with his wife/ partner. That there was set plans for the room before he made it an art room in honour of his love, behind her back and without even discussing it with her, and treating her like crap that she wasn’t happy.
Oh and him and ap had never done art before they just decided it would be their new thing together. Of course it wasn’t just him taking over a room they had plans for without discussing first it was the discoveries which kept on coming.
Him fully believing his affair partner had more rights in his home and life than his wife in her own home to that they’d just bought or moved into. If i remember rightly he even decided later on she needed to move out completely so he could be with his lover instead of her. It was awhile ago so i might have got something not quite right.
HotAzrael
That’s exactly what I thought too! It’s not just a spur-of-the-moment idea, six months feels too specific. She's absolutely right to be cautious, especially if they’ve already talked about this behind her back. NTA, for sure.
silverkitten_
It’s wonderful to be there for friends, but that doesn’t mean OP has to compromise her own comfort.
believehype1616
Agreed. Is there an amount of time you'd be more comfortable with OP? Is there a reason he's jumping straight to 6 months? Do you have a guest room? If not, it's a much bigger imposition.
Even if you got pregnant you wouldn't need to convert a guest room to a baby room immediately. There'd be time to transition that. Takes 9 months and even then they often live in your room for a while.
My husband agreed for my best friend to move in with us til she got an alternative when her relationship fell apart and she felt unsafe staying there. She stayed with us for at least two months, on our couch as we didn't have a guest room space. It was a huge imposition. But I love that he allowed it and didn't make me feel like I'd asked some huge favor of him. It was hard for a lot of reasons.