'AITA for not wanting my husband’s family to stay with us for the holidays?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting my husband’s family to stay with us for the holidays?"
We have a 1 bedroom apartment with a 7 month old. Space is already so limited. My husband’s sister and her family are flying across the country to spend Christmas with us for 11 days. They insisted they stay with us instead of getting a hotel. Of course my husband agrees to this without talking to me.
When he does ask me about it, I explain how it’s going to be crowded. The noise has to be kept to a minimum because of the baby. My son already has trouble sleeping so who knows how it’ll be by next month.
Husband is working some days while they’re here so he insists they use my car to go and do stuff while I’m home with the kid. The problem I have the most is when I speak up, he immediately says I’m against his family, even though he’s always talking crap against mine.
My family hasn’t been over to see my son yet because they know it’s going to take hotel and car rental fees. They don’t insist on uprooting my entire routine for 11 days. My mom can get me discounts because she works at a hotel. But that’s still not good enough for them.
I just think it’s rude to insist on sleeping on an air mattress that will take up half our living room. My son will not have a safe place to play. I’ll have to lock myself away to pump every 3-4 hours.
Our routines will be shattered. I have a feeling their kid will be loud and wake the baby. Husband said “don’t get mad if sisters kid breaks things.” He’s 5… I’m going to be mad. I’m made to feel like the AH because I have an opinion. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Good grief! I would be leaving to visit my own family with the baby for 11 days. He can deal with his sister. Good luck. Update. Me.
Cannot possibly give this enough votes! Guests are on the list of two to approve and one to veto. And 11 days in a one bedroom?!? Hard pass. Take the car, the kid, your valuables, and leave for 15 days.
NTA. But he decides about guests without talking to you first, he offered free use of your things without your permission, he talks crap about your family, he's already making excuses about his nephew's bad behaviour. I think you should reconsider the whole marriage at this point.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
Where to even begin unwrapping this train wreck. I had brought up the issue with his family staying a couple times after my first post. I had to google “how to talk to a narcissist” before the approach.
I said how it would affect the baby and I, and how it would affect his family with me having to get up in the middle of the night, and how my son needs space for his playpen (baby proofing a 1 bedroom has proven more difficult than I thought). He seemed understanding, however, wasn’t budging on wanting them to stay. I just got the old “we’ll keep analyzing it.”
Since I can cancel my hotel reservations a day before check in, I went ahead and booked 10 nights just to lock in cheap rates. I felt more secure having a backup in case things went horribly wrong at my house.
On our way to Thanksgiving, my son keeps getting blasted by sunlight while driving. I have tried the usual sun shades on the windows. A few days ago I got these curtains for the side windows. They hang on with magnets so I grabbed them from my car and hung them in my husband’s car, as he was the one driving us 3 hours away to his family gathering.
He kept saying the blinds were blocking his blind spots so I tied them open so he could see but my son could also keep some shade. After it still being a problem, my husband asked for them to be removed and proceeded to tell me how I need to “ask him before I just go and do stuff.” That’s when I lost my mind.
I brought up the visit and how he never discussed it with me prior to telling his sister they could stay. Of course, this causes him to blow up- saying he doesn’t need my permission as it is “his house.” Over and over, I’m told to “shut up and man up”, “if this was your family…”, “I don’t want to be with a witch wife.”
I remain calm and reiterate that it’s my home too and it’s about respect that he talks to me first. It’s not about control, it’s about respect— Respect for my son and our routines, comfort, and safety.
He then goes on to say how i don’t respect him and I just “turned this around and made it about you” “holidays are classically stressful, look at home alone where they have that huge house and it’s chaos.”
Okay but this isn’t a movie.. it’s real life. If we had a guest room, I would still be annoyed, but I would be more comfortable “manning up” and letting them stay as they wouldn’t obscure my routines. So I ruined Thanksgiving.
Husband stayed at work until he had to come home just to sleep. Didn’t see his son for almost 3 days. I had to text him first: “come and have an adult conversation with me. You haven’t seen your son in 3 days” to which I get “but I’m working.”
NO DUH I meant after.. and “no one wants me around anyway. I’m only good for food and money.” Good lord… I didn’t respond to this. Needless to say he came home and spent time with his son. We had an adult conversation.
His family staying is not changing. He said he already told them yes and doesn’t want to now tell them to get a hotel. “A hotel is way too expensive, even at this discount you’re talking about. It’s not gonna be $50…” lol. It actually was.
I booked 10 nights for $518 TOTAL. I told him this and he just rolls his eyes. His sister had texted me personally and asked if they could use my car to do one thing when my husband is working.
She said they would rent a car if not. Just the fact that she asked with respect made me say yes to using it. We agreed that if I needed it, they would bring it back. My son and I will be okay.
My thoughts? Continue my routines. Do what I need to do. If they can’t handle it, they are free to get a hotel. I will not uproot my life for 11 days. It’s not about me, it’s about my son. He will be taken care of regardless of guests.
My question is should I keep the hotel? I want to have it in case my son and I have to sleep there (if people keep waking my son up, I’m gonna have a huge problem- especially if we’re trapped) but I also don’t want to waste the money and never use it. I can’t decide.
For everyone saying I should get a divorce over this— that’s valid. I want to give him one more chance to start discussing with me. If he can’t respect that, then yeah. It’s done. I’m tired of him stepping outside and having these conversations without my input. Wish me luck…
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Don't prepare for guests. Don't buy groceries. Don't cook. Take your son and go stay at the hotel or with friends or family. Let your husband host his family without you.
Honey. You need to take the baby and the car and go stay at the hotel for the duration of the stay. Let him host his family. Stay well away from that chaos. Don't be home.
Good lord. Get a divorce already. He speaks to you like you’re trash. He disrespects you. And he isn’t considerate of you nor his child. What more evidence do you need that he’s not a good guy? And why would you want your child growing up thinking this is normal behavior?
Watching someone who is a role model blatantly disrespect his wife? Your husband gives me the major ick. Why doesn’t this behavior give you the ick too? I don’t normally advocate for immediate divorce as life and relationships are complicated. But your post screams verbally & emotionally abused. Run.
Three weeks later, the OP returned with their final update.
Well, as you all could imagine, the 11 day (ongoing) visit has been crazy. The plan was to stay the nights in a hotel, but I changed my mind at the last minute for two reasons: I’m at stay at home mom and only have 3k to my name, and — it’s my apartment. I’d have to pack the entire place to be able to stay in a hotel. I figured I would try and drive them out instead. That didn’t work.
Day 2: SIL’s woke up feeling sick. I asked them politely to stay in a hotel since baby is not vaccinated. It was a huge huff and puff. Visibly annoyed at ME. Wtf. Husband didn’t back me up.
That was the first major red flag. We spent more time trying to separate the boy and my baby than anything. News flash: they didn’t get a hotel. Baby has been limited to playpen because there’s Korean food and legos burrowed into my carpet.
They had planned a night stay at great wolf lodge a year ago. I talked about not wanting to stay the night. We’re only 30 minutes from the apartment. I’d rather not bring half the house. We talked about this a few times over time.
Come time to go, and husband asks if I brought the pack n play (we had to drive separately) I said “no? We talked about this.” Of course he conveniently doesn’t remember. I did not go back for it. We hung out for a few hours, had dinner, and baby and I went home.
My husband and I have been sleeping in the living room so baby can sleep in peace (he’s a light sleeper compared to other babies). So with visitors, husband insists on moving back into the room. He wakes up around 5. I try my best to wake him before the alarm goes off. I succeed only once.
Now my baby has been waking around 5am since Christmas. He used to sleep until 6:30 - 7. I worked hard to get baby into a good sleep schedule. I can’t help but blame it on the company and the alarm. Second major red flag: not caring about my sleep and saying “you’re a mother. It’s your job” I want to do more than sleep and take care of baby.
The stress of visitors has made trivial things look big. It’s my son’s first Christmas and we had picked a cute stocking for him. Without telling me, they swapped it with the 5 year olds. Now, we asked them if he needed a regular sized stocking.
They said “no, just get small ones for decoration” needless to say I was more pissed than I should’ve been. Last night, we were eating at a pizza place and wanting to split a few different flavors. SIL’s wife hates red sauce. We all got pizzas without it. Everyone got the one they wanted.
When I said my choice, it got an “ehhh… I don’t want a lot of meat” even though SIL only ate 2 slices. Again, trivial in the grand scheme, but feeling pushed to the side the whole time makes trivial seem large.
Pumping in the bathroom alone was bad enough until I put my foot down and just used a breastfeeding cover at the kitchen table. I always got “what are you doing in the bathroom?”
When they all knew I was pumping! I’m taking a bunch of equipment with me, not to mention asking the group if they need to use it before I go in. 6 people using one bathroom wasn’t as chaotic as I imagined.
However, this morning my husband was in the bathroom and the 5 year old had to pee. Instead of waiting, they emptied a plastic bottle and let him pee in it — in my kitchen. I can’t make this up.
This morning, my son woke at 4:45. His sleep got messed up from Christmas morning, and the alarm. Just as I predicted. I had enough. I told my husband I’m through with him. He tried calling me C—t multiple times, saying he should’ve never had a baby with a weak woman, you never sleep with the baby sleeps… I have insomnia.
I try. I tried to wait until they left but I just can’t take it. No regard for my son or I. Oh, and my husband said he was sick the other night yet refused to leave the bed. Now I’m sick and I’m sure my baby was sick yesterday. “I wish you wouldn't get so worked up over this. Baby will be fine. The worse anyone will get is a cold”.
The fact that he doesn’t care if anyone gets sick is inexcusable. Both him and did sister didn’t care. Baby’s never been so fussy and tired then yesterday. No respect for my son is the final breaking point for me. Thanks to the amount of comments on my original post, I realized how brainwashed I've been.
This is a textbook narcissist that I wasted 7 years with. I hate to spring this on someone at Christmas, no matter how bad they made me feel. But I had to say it. Now it’s a matter of where we’ll go. But we’ll get there.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Call your flipping landlord op. Tell them that there are guests in your home and they’re not on the lease, and that you need them gone. Your husband sounds horrible. I’m glad you’re leaving him.
I couldn't even read this. This woman is so blatantly being mistreated that you could tell in the first sentence of the post.
I can understand not wanting to spend $500 on a hotel when she only has personal access to $3000. She’s going to need that money to leave.
Not surprised by this outcome. It didn't sound good a few weeks ago with the original posts.
I'm honestly highly irritated by OP's failure to prevent her lack of backbone from endangering her baby.