'WIBTA for asking my mom friend to stop bringing her kids to my events?'

'WIBTA for not wanting my friend to bring her kids to my next event?'

So I (28F) have this friend (40F) who’s been supportive through some tough times, and I care a lot about her — but lately, I’ve been feeling drained. The problem is her kids. When she brings them to something, it becomes chaotic, and honestly, I’m just tired.

At my bridal shower, which was at my parents’ house, she asked to bring her kids because she had them that weekend. I said yes because I wanted her to be able to come, and they weren’t the only kids there as some of my cousins have kids. The other kids were well behaved, but her kids were super hyper and kept interrupting a trivia game my sister made about me and my husband.

At one point, one of them shouted, “next question, why is my family divorced?” which made things kind of awkward. To her credit, my friend did gently step in and said, “that’s not the next question.” But later, her kids were running up and down the stairs and being really loud.

My mom asked them to stop multiple times, but they ignored her. My friend stayed pretty hands-off the whole time. It bothered me because my family had put so much time and care into making the shower feel special.

Fast forward to my birthday. I wanted a chill evening: food, games, drinks and hot tub time with my friends at my apartment complex. I said yes again when she asked to bring the kids, hoping it’d go better. It did not. One of them grabbed my pink floatie out of my hands as we were going down to the hot tub and said, “I want this.”

I jokingly asked my friend if I’d be getting it back hoping she’d get the hint, and she jokingly said, “No, I don’t think so.” Later the kids were jumping, yelling, and splashing in the hot tub while she was changing and not watching them. My makeup was a mess, chlorine water in my drink, and it definitely wasn’t the relaxing vibe I’d planned. She didn’t do much.

I also babysat her kids once as a favor while she had an interview. I only didn’t ask for payment, just a small cup of coffee. I just wanted to help her out. The kids were super loud and didn’t listen at all. My cat was anxious and hiding under the bed, and they kept yelling at her to come out. I explained that being quiet would help the kitty feel safe and she’d be more likely to come out and say hi.

That lasted less than a minute and they were back to yelling. One of them asked if she could try on lipstick like me and her mom, so I put a little lip gloss on her. While I was talking to my friend after she got back, her kid went into my bathroom and got into all my makeup—smearing eyeshadow and lipstick all over her face. My friend just told her to put it back, and that was it.

I’ve really tried to be patient and understanding, but it’s getting to be too much. I feel guilty because she has shown up for me quite a bit in the past, and I know she’s in a tough spot and doesn’t have a lot of support. I’ve already expressed to her that I can’t be a regular babysitter, but I offered her a resource to find childcare.

I’m just not comfortable having her kids at future events, and if she asks again, I’m planning to tell her no. Would I be wrong or a bad friend for that?

What do you think? WIBTA for not including her friends' kids in the future? This is what commenters had to say:

krissycole87 said:

No, you wouldn't be a bad friend. You're allowed to classify your events as "adults only" or "kid friendly." Just like everyone else. If she asks to bring them say "sorry, this event is planned as adults only" and leave it at that. If she says this means she cannot attend, wish her well and carry on without her.

You dont need to coddle a full grown adult. If she cant figure out how to handle her kids, then she doesn't need to come to adult events. Period.

JariaDnf said:

Unruly kids will ruin an event. Your friend is being a bad friend not parenting her kids. She should have shut that shit down or picked her kids up and left. This is a parenting issue, those kids haven't been taught how to behave in public.

1KirstV said:

I remember being 28 and not being able to tell people NO. If I had to guess, she overcompensates with permissiveness because she’s divorced. The fact the kids said what they did at your bridal shower shows that. But a person who would even ask to bring their kids to a bridal shower shows a complete lack of self-awareness or situational awareness.

You definitely need to just say no the next time. You don’t need to have an explanation or anything, just say no. If she persists, then you can tell her that her kids ruined your birthday and almost ruined your bridal shower and you’re not going to allow them to ruin any other events for you.

And blonde_Fury8 said:

I'd never ever allow her kids around again. Just find out what times she doesn't have them, and only ask her over when she's free. If she asks, just give her an immediate "no, i want a relaxing fun kid free event." Not mean, just firm and non negotiable. If she can't come, then she can't come. NTA.

In response to comments, OP wrote:

Thank you for this. I am not a parent myself, but there are a lot of kids in my family. My cousins kids have always been respectful. I want to be kind, and never want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I have a hard time saying no… it’s something I recognize and need to work on.