'AITA for not wanting my husband to see other people until after we're divorced?'
"AITA for not wanting my husband to see other people?"
This is a really weird situation and I honestly don’t know how common this is, so you can let me know. My F33 husband M30 has been dealing with the aftermath of our divorce (that he filed) for a month now. We are still living together, and things have been surprisingly calm for the last few weeks.
We have decided he will be moving out since the house is in my name, and we are currently in the process of splitting up our assets, doing paperwork, etc.. it’s going to take quite a while based on where we live, and hopefully not over a year. We have decided to live together until that happens, but I’m starting to reconsider that.
Two days ago my husband came home very late, around 3am, exhausted and clearly drunk. He told me he took an Uber and was out spending the night with friends, and I let it go, since we’re going to be divorced soon and what he does on his own time is really only his business, something my husband believes to an extreme as I soon found out.
Yesterday morning, he told me he was going to meet a friend for dinner and should be back around midnight, I said okay and went to work. I work very long hours, around 60 to 65 hours a week, and usually don’t get home until around 11PM. When I got home and didn’t see my husbands car in the parking lot, I wasn’t surprised and went inside to take a shower and get ready for bed.
When 3 hours went by and he didn’t arrive home, I left him a voicemail asking if he was okay (stupid I know) and went to bed. The next morning, he still was not home, so I called him again, where he finally answered and said he had spent the night and was coming home. 20 minutes or so later he got home and I asked him why he didn’t tell me he was going to be out so late and that I was worried.
My husband got visibly upset and told me what he does outside of “my” house is none of my business, but I kept pressing because I had a feeling something was off. That’s when my husband told me he had started seeing another woman, a friend of his which I had known for years, only 3 days after he had filed for divorce.
I was shocked and asked him if this is why he had filed for divorce in the first place, but he told me It was because I’m too nosy, always at work, and extremely hard to deal with. He then told me, “you should start seeing someone too” while we work on the divorce. I told him no, we’re still technically married, living together, and I care about him.
He told me there’s nothing wrong with seeing someone else now, and that I need to “get off his back and respect his decision”. Honestly, maybe I am being too nosy and overbearing, but he’s still my husband, and we live together and pay bills. Is this okay and normal? AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
InsightfulSausage13 said:
You are separated, yes still legally married, but he is no longer "yours". Try to stop seeing him as "your" husband, and start seeing him as your ex. I'm sorry he's moved on so quick, it is disrespectful, but it's out of your hands. It's also not cheating if you start seeing someone else. You do you, you don't have to see someone else, but you also aren't bound by your vows any longer. Good luck!
OP responded:
I’ve just been struggling with the idea that he was cheating on me while we were married, but he keeps denying it and now I’m trying to figure out how to get him out of my house permanently.
Pins89 said:
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’m still technically married to my ex even though we’ve been separated for a over year and are both in new relationships and I don’t call him my husband.
It sucks but it really isn’t of your business at this point. The reason you’re still living together and aren’t yet divorced are technicalities, it’s not indicative of your relationship status. It’s not cheating. You need to start seeing yourself as a single person, because you are.
OP responded:
Thank you, but it’s a lot harder than it sounds when half the stuff in the house is his, and you’re still spending a lot of time together. That being said, you are right and he does need to move out much sooner than we had planned.
Geezell said:
Hon, he needs to move out and you need a therapist, STAT. It sounds to me like you are just coming to grips with a divorce and he has been done and, at minimum, emotionally cheating for quite some time.
YTA to yourself if you don’t set some firm boundaries and take care of yourself. Hopefully his quick hookup is fuel for you to not allow him back into your life when he realizes life with a new girl was not the road to happiness he envisioned and he comes crawling back.
Desperate-Animal1651 said:
I’m not going to argue with the label husband or the term cheating. It’s still new, sounds like it came out of the blue for you and you are entitled to your feelings. For you, he may be your husband until the divorce is final and that’s okay. The law would agree with you, babe. 😉
But…he needs to move out. Like, yesterday. He may be ready to treat you like a roommate, but his presence is only going to make it harder for you to grieve this loss and move on.