'AITA for not wanting my husband's best friend to come over every week?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting my husband’s best friend over every week?"

My husband and I just got into (another) fight because his best friend who comes over every Wednesday is (again) staying the night. My husband and this friend have had a Wednesday night “date” where the guy comes over to our house to “jam” every week for the last two years, and I’m getting to the point that I want to hit the guy over the head with whatever is closest at hand every time he is around.

Buckle up. This is probably going to be a long one.... if you make it through all of this you are my hero. At first he was supposed to come over just for a few hours on Wednesday nights to play guitar with my husband while I was at work. Over time I have stopped working late Wednesday’s but the jam session continues.

Which was fine. However, for the last year they have barely touched the guitars and instead the guy just comes over to get high (on pot). Neither my husband or I get high with him (I don’t enjoy pot and my husband isn’t much into it either, but we aren’t morally against it so we didn’t say anything early on when we should have).

Now that he is always high here, he NEVER leaves at the end of the night. Just expects to sleep over. But he doesn’t have a regular sleep schedule so instead of sleeping while we are, he is wandering around our house all night (in his boxers) making noises, watching tv, getting nonstop text alerts from other friends and ect. This always wakes me up and I have to pass by him on the way to the bathroom.

At these points he always has demands. Like: “I want to watch this random movie your husband said you had. Find it for me.” Or “you need to change your litter box right now, because your cat just pooped and I can’t stand the smell.”

He always says he’ll leave when my husband goes for work at 8am, but then complains that he couldn’t sleep until 6am, so he ends up sleeping until mid day. At which point he just decides to stay until my husband gets home from work and then the whole thing starts over again. What’s supposed to be one night a week often turns into at least two every week.

On top of never leaving, he has started showing up HOURS before my husband gets off work on Wednesdays. My husband told him “my home is your home” so he just comes right in. This wouldn’t be a problem if he could self entertain. But no. He comes in and will just walk into our bedroom (where I’m hiding) sit down on the bed, take a hit, and start talking to me through whatever I’m doing/watching on tv.

Every time he is here he eats A LOT of our food (gets the munchies, plus regular meals) but never once has had the courtesy to bring anything of his own, or to share, or to replace what he is eating here. He just goes into our fridge and pantry and eats whatever he wants because my husband told him our home was his.

My husband is always begging me to be nice and not say anything while he is here because he is lonely and needs friends.... except he has his other best friend living with him, and is constantly going on weekend trips all over the country to visit his other friends. Not to mention those nonstop text message alerts all night.

Dealing with this guy is like hanging out with a 17 year old stoner non stop. He farts and burps as loud as possible wherever. Whenever. Is demanding and needy, but completely rude at the same time.

Saying things like “dude! You actually made your house look SORTA nice this week.” (As I was prepping for Christmas), and “so you do sometimes make an effort on your looks” (when I had gone somewhere nice and come home with makeup on). He also complains non stop about the food I make (yet eats it all anyway).

This year for my birthday we couldn’t afford to get any gifts, so I asked my husband instead to line up his days off so we could spend four days just us together...... then this guy broke up with his girlfriend and my husband begged me to let him come over just for a bit on the first evening.

Queue TWO full weeks of him not going home, and demanding all of my husband’s time. I spent “our time” and my birthday, holed up in our room alone. Then, Christmas comes. I had invited my whole family to our house and tried to make things extra special because it was the first time I got to see my parents on Christmas in more than ten years.

This guy’s mom had just moved to another state BUT this guy has plenty of money and no job to work around so he could have easily made the trip to her for Christmas. But he didn’t. Then his other friend/housemate also went out of town and he threw a “woe is me, I’m all alone one Christmas Eve, no one loves me” tantrum until my husband invited him to our house.

He shows up. Gets high. And is a complete ass to everyone. Then throws a fit when he decides to sleep over because he has to sleep on the couch in a sleeping bag (my family were in the other beds.) the next morning we sit down to breakfast and he lets out this HUGE fart right at the table like it’s nothing, then proceeds to dish himself up 90% of the food and just generally be a douche.

My family was flat out disgusted by him and his behavior and couldn’t wait to leave. He stayed for three days. I feel like an @$$hole because he is my husband’s best friend and I don’t want to make them not hang out, and honestly he hasn’t done anything truly terrible.

He’s just annoying. I dread every Wednesday, and then I’m super irritated the whole time he’s here. Which I hide from him, at my husband’s request, but then my husband and I always end up fighting over him not leaving at the end of the night. And all this I’ve told you is just the tip of the iceberg.

If you’ve made it this far, please tell me AITA for being upset at my husband for letting this guy stay over again tonight, and wanting a substantial break from his best friend?

TL;DR My husband’s best friend is a rude stoner who never leaves. AITA for not wanting him to come over for a LONG time?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

AnimatronicAardvark said:

NTA! OMFG. *I* was ready to murder him and then you told us about the post-breakup two weeks. After Christmas I'd be ready to kill your SO as well as his friend! This is so incredibly over the line of OK I don't know how you can stand it. His behaviour is obnoxious and completely inexcusable - from what you've described he's dirty, rude, inconsiderate, demanding, and boorish...

and he's there for (often) *2 nights a week* for the last *2 years*. Is your husband INSANE to allow this? Just the days that you've described here is *220 nights* in the last two years. That is 30% of your LIVES over the last two years.

If you were ok with it it would be incredibly weird, but fine.... but you're not. You're not happy, and your husband is prioritising the company this demanding, gross, creeper over his wife's happiness.

IncredibleGonzo said:

NTA but honestly? I think the biggest asshole here is actually your husband. Don't get me wrong, it's the friend's behaviour that is the main problem... but he's not the one who made promises to you to love and put you first or whatever vows you actually made. He's a dick, but your husband is enabling him and is reneging on his responsibilities to you.

You need to have a serious talk with your husband because this? This is not sustainable. If it continues you're going to end up hating him and your marriage is, in the end, likely to either suck because you hate your husband or end messily.

deadmanredditting said:

NTA. This dude is clearly taking advantage of your husband's good will and friendship. I understand wanting to help people you care for, but there comes a time when people are taking up too many resources and it starts to negatively impact the helpers.

You need to sit down and have a calm rational discussion with your husband and explain that this guy is a cause of strain on the relationship and his behavior isn't fair to any of you (himself included). Try to do it at a time when you are both calm and rational, i.e. not right after this guy has had contact with you. Explain that he is draining you emotionally and mentally.

And if this guy is as bad off as he says he is, then he needs to get psychiatric care, and that you guys can't provide that. I think this guy will probably piss off as soon as his free ride is over.

OP responded:

I think your right that he’ll probably freak out over getting called out and stop coming over. That would be great for me...... but I worry that my husband would resent me for ruining his friendship. I have no idea how or why, but my husband does seem to truly like the friendship they have.

He’s also one of my husband’s only friends that want to hang out regularly, and is willing to make the 40 minute drive to our house from the nearby city.

And [deleted] said:

NTA. Holy sh!t. This guy is a parasite. I don’t even know what to tell you, other than you telling your husband he’s not welcome in your home at all anymore, but I don’t think it’s going to be that easy. What a piece of work.

She later shared this edit to her post:

Thank you all for your overwhelming response!! I haven’t been able to reply to all of you, but I want you to know I’ve read every post and I appreciate all of your opinions (even the ones calling me a shrew) and your great advice! Some clarification and an update:

Clarification 1: As some have pointed out, there isn’t much of an action here for me to ask AITA about. I’m sorry I didn’t make it clearer originally. The question is am I unreasonable and being an Ass Hole for wanting a break from having this friend over. My husband and I fought over this last night and he feels I’m being overly upset and needlessly irritable at said friend. You’ve already read how I feel about it.

Clarification 2: This post, admittedly doesn't give much positive about the friend. His friend has been in my husband’s life since he was in grade school, and while the friend is over they do actively chat, watch movies, and generally hang out while I actively hide and feel irritated.

All this stuff for sure could look like an exaggeration if it all happened in the last few days, but this is sorta my laundry list of the last two years of grievances which have been building up over time. On a regular Wednesday he is just stoned, flatulent, and childish, which while annoying, isn’t really actively douchy.

He has done some very nice things for my husband, such as paying to take him to some very expensive concerts so that they could both nerd out over their favorite guitar players Live. I -clearly- don’t like the guy, but my husband gets a lot of enjoyment out of their friendship and I’m not saying that has to stop.

Just that -I- need a break. Also, my husband DOES have other friends, they just have lives so he only gets to hang out once every few months with them. He is also in a band with other friends whom he sees regularly every Monday night.

Clarification 3: My husband doesn’t see a problem with how he speaks to me because according to him “the guy just has poor social skills, that comment about your makeup was a compliment.”

Clarification 4: He smokes a vape style pot pen, not a physical bud, which has less residual scent and is why my husband told him he could do it in the house. Before he started using I was ok with him. He still had poor manners, but he wasn’t nearly as bad as he is now, and he never spent the night (or longer).

Back before the pot I even enjoyed hanging out with the two of them every so often. Oh and I KNOW my husband occasionally also imbibes with him, which isn’t something that makes me mad. He doesn’t go overboard like his friend.

Later, she shared an update:

When I woke up this morning I noticed that my phone was buzzing…. And buzzing…. And buzzing…. As all these awesome comments kept pouring in. When I looked and saw how many comments there were I said “Oh My GoD!” Of course my husband asked what was wrong and I said “I told the internet the story of ***** and asked if I was the @$$hole for what we fought over last night.”

He said..”Oh” and that was it. BUT then on his way out of the bedroom he said “I’m going to get him up”, and by the time I was dressed and out of the room they guy was out of the house and driving away. Hallelujah!!!

Forty minutes later when he got to work I received a text message telling me how I was his best friend and that he loves me more than the world ect. Then we texted back and forth and he said “I really feel like we both contribute to it. I feel like you are overly grumpy on things pertaining to *****.

But at the same time, I invite him to come up extra days, or stay the night without running it by you. I feel we could both do better and relieve a lot of stress and frustration. Do you agree?”

He then called a few minutes later and I told him that I know I’m grumpy but I feel like it’s reasonably so. I also told him I didn’t want to force them not to be friends just that -I- needed a break from the friend.

Then I gave him some possible solutions such as hanging out at his house every other week, or have a set time that the guy needs to stop smoking in order to drive home later (thanks guys! Great suggestions!) and he agreed to consider other arrangements with the hang out time so that I could have some time away from the friend, and we agreed to talk more about it when he is off work tonight.

Although I can tell he STILL isn’t seeing a problem other than my attitude : / Again thank you to everyone who has commented!